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Seperated and lost

Community Member
Hi I’m 45 seperated for a year from my husband of 8 years, when we first split I was so focused on what I wanted to do. I wanted my own place near my kids and grand kids etc I was walking 4 k everyday, I was chatting to other people felt like I was happy. But I couldn’t find somewhere to rent, after applying for over 30 houses, there were either too many applicants or I wasn’t earning enough. So I stayed in the marital home while he stayed in the motor home outside. He would come in the house and tell me how much he loved me etc etc but it was more yell at me his frustration. Then he would yell at me that he was going to kill himself . And he was very convincing that that was his plan. After a few not so great dates I had with other people I thought maybe I would give my husband another chance. Now I feel stuck and lost. Depressed and miserable. Stopped walking, stopped being happy. I also have lived with his dad for 8 years in the backyard which I loathe. Would be grateful for any tips advice wisdom a genie to grant wishes . Thanks Ali
43 Replies 43

Community Member


im still struggling with what to do. I have 2 dogs and an elderly cat. I have a friend who has offered me a room once the boarder moves out. But couldn’t take all of my animals with me.

my seperated husband is monitoring my fuel use. I want to ring the domestic violence number but don’t want a scene. If he found out there definitely would be one.

would prefer to move what stuff I have into storage and try save some money. But my fur babies are like my kids. How do you leave them behind?

what a mess

thanks for listening

Hi Ali,

I'm sorry to hear your situation hasn't improved very much and now you have the dilemma of what to do with your pets when you move. At least you have the offer of alternative accommodation sometime hopefully in the near future. His monitoring of your fuel is concerning - is that so he can tell how far you have gone/who you might be visiting or is it a using money thing? You don't need to answer, that just seems very controlling. If you did ring the domestic violence number, I wonder if they would be in a position to find you emergency housing - I don't know, just a thought.

Anyway, at least you are taking steps to move and formulating a plan even if things are moving a little slowly.

Take care.


Hi thanks for replying

yes very controlling but if I accused him of it he would deny it until blue in the face. I should never have started a relationship with him in the first place, I remember what he used to say he did to his ex wife’s car, red flags that I see now and overlooked then. Sigh

what a pickle

thanks for replying

He also had an issue where I was getting my tyres fitted, too many fish in the pond there he goes. I have my ex husband there and we get along very well. Have kids together etc

so I changed where I normally get my tyres fitted. Sigh

i said about getting a rental to be nearer my kids and he was going to buy me a motorhome to stay in at caravan park and then take time off work and come with.
doesn’t understand that I need time to myself.
just need to focus and disappear


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Ali, just interested to know whether you have heard back from Anglicare as it's a place I also suggest.

If you take up the offer of the motor home there are caravan spots that do allow pets, whether they allow 2 dogs and a cat you'll only know when you ask, but it's possible.

In regards to reporting 'domestic violence' there are a couple of options, ring from somebody's house, pay phone or you can buy cheap mobile phones with a new phone number, just have a hiding spot where no one knows to store it.

I hope Anglicare can provide you with a unit until you get yourself organised and sometimes there comes a time when your possessions in the house don't mean anything, your safety is much more important and these possessions could be obtained later on, just take care.


Community Member

Hi Geoff

anglicare instructed me to ring domestic violence line. Just not great on phones and then repeating everything to someone else. Etc etc his ex wife had an affair and he sat down and made a plan to hurt her but his pastor friend walked in on that and talked him out of it. Red flags that I ignored , sigh. I’m just worried about causing more problems.
a bus was his idea of coming with … not what I want.
it was our anniversary the other day and I said I was still leaving and we were splitting and he said well least I won’t forget the date, I said no we have been split for a year but if you need to tell people that I broke up with you on our anniversary and make me out to be rude then so be it.

next day he thinks we aren’t splitting anymore.
so mentally draining.

i will get there but I tend to take notes of things because I forget what he says to me. And that’s frustrating

my cat and dog are elderly so I’m just hoping he would look after them.

my chihuahua is a puppy I could return her to the breeder or possibly take with , not sure , it’s such a huge life changing step.

or I can stay here and continue to be miserable, don’t want to be physical with him anymore. But he counts the days since last time , sigh

thanks Geoff

Community Member

I’ve forgotten how to write a new post but I’m just wanting someone else’s opinion.it’s about the same person.

My seperated husband and I go out for my sisters lunch today. Driving home as passenger I fell asleep, so husband decides to slam breaks on coming up to a bend and state out loud “oh shit there’s a corner”

so wakes me up in a panic because I thought we were going to crash. 

now is this just silly boy behaviour or a form of mental abuse?

I kinda think I over react sometimes

thanks for any opinions


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Ali, well for our separated husband to slam on the brakes while you're asleep could be deliberate and classified as mental abuse, but more so, pointing the air conditioner at a particular area of your body is not only ungrateful but also intimidating.

It may happen to a young couple who have fallen in love and just playing around, but if you're separated it's certainly not a behaviour that's warranted nor respectful and certainly should not have done.

It's not any way to entice a separated wife into favour at all, and when does silly boy behaviour become abuse.

Take care.


Community Member

Thanks for replying.

I’ve been walking more lately so feel like my brain is becoming clearer.

just laying in bed thinking what the hell. Then I think he gaslights me (think that’s the term) where he makes me think I’m losing it and he’s done nothing wrong.

nobody can say I didn’t try


Hi Ali,

I'm glad to hear you have started walking again because you mentioned earlier it was something that you took great pleasure from and it was something that made you feel happy. Honestly, his behaviour sounds like abuse to me and I don't think you are over-reacting. Maybe the walking has put you in a better place to phone the domestic violence line? I know it's painful to have to go over it all again to someone else but they might be able to help and find you a way to better living accommodation. Only you can decide when you are ready to do that. Maybe give it some thought.