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Separation, can the kids cope?

Dan049
Community Member

Hi. I am a 43 year old male and have been married for 20 years and have 3 bright, wonderful and caring children. There ages are 16, 14, & 11.

My wife and I are not close and I partly take responsibility for part of that. I was diagnosed 13 years ago with Anxiety & Depression and find it hard to be close with anyone. My father left me as a child (3) and my step father was physically and emotionally abusive so I grew up being more comfortable In my own company

I feel that i would personally benefit emotionally by seperating however I feel that I cannot put the “safe” and “secure”life of my children at risk.

Am I right to put the kids ahead of myself? I have done it for the past 5-8 years but it is getting really hard to do. They are not far off moving out and feel that they will cope a bit better the older they are.

We have no sex life at all and to be honest I do not really want one with her anymore, she prefers to fall asleep on the couch EVERY night rather than to come to bed and I am now really happy with that scenario

We are asset rich but cash poor so there is a huge financial implications on my decisions which is also impacted by my a & d.

I thank you all in advance for any advice.

Cheers

Dan.

4 Replies 4

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Dan, well kids are tough, it maybe difficult when you leave but they will soon enough take note that they can still be in contact with you.
If you're not happy at home, then isn't it better for you to be separated and happy, rather than being in a marriage where no one is happy. Geoff.

Dan049
Community Member

Thanks Geoff.

At this stage the kids appear to have no idea of how I feel and my wife is probably the same.

I just know that once I start going down this path there is no returning and that is hard. I am somewhat of a control freak and struggle with putting myself into positions of vulnerability.

It may come to that anyway 😞

Thanks Geoff

kanga_brumby
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Dan my situation is different to yours as in I lost the mother to my children 17 years ago to cancer she also had a physical disability and A & D. I had to look after all of them. When we lost her shore it took time but the children bounced back. It shall be strange to them for a while but they will grow to accept it.
Kanga

MsPurple
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

HI Dan

As someone who grew up in a broken home (twice as my dad divorsed twice when I was a kid). First time I was 5 years old and it was really hard. I don't remember much. However the second time it was easier. I will tell you I would rather be baught up in a broken home with two happy parents who love me then a family together that do not love each other and are not happy. I am guessing if your wife is sleeping on the couch she is not as happy and maybe suspecting that is the case. I think your kids may know more than you think. Dad thought with his second wife we didn't know anything, but we knew they weren't happy and that they were arguing a lot. Kids know more than you think. I think if you are not happy then you need to talk to your wife and maybe go from there. Maybe see a relationship councellor and see where it takes you.

Sorry I don't have the best advice but I just wanted you to know that your kids can be happy even if you seperate