Unreasonable neighbour causing Anxiety...

[Mcrates]

I live in a 2 house on 1 block size situation. For 9 months I have endured 2 large dogs barking loudly and constantly... My house wall is her courtyard fence line.This has been really tough but finally She has stopped them. She owns her place...I rent mine with a AAA tenant rating. Today her male partner was playing music so loud I couldnt hear myself think. I messaged her to ask him just to turn it down a bit... Well that was it! She makes me out to be a complaining thing and that they have a right to do whatever they want when they want. She has no empathy towards me as a neighbour whatsoever. I live quietly and respectfully. Today I rang a trusted friend to come around and speak with her... The conversation was taped... It was evident that she thinks that I am the problem not her. Subsequently I am experiencing awful anxiety. Is their such a thing a neighbour abuse? She is 30ish and I am 54. I have 2 university degrees and do volunteer work in my community. I have 1 adult son who is married. I dont want to leave here as it is close to my work. I have an excellent relationship with my Landlord... I have been calm and reasonable towards my neighbourand, not confronting... She has never said sorry about the enduring noise. Its as though its my fault... Gaslighting! She is a real little Miss! What would others do in my situation...? I cant even go into my garden now as I become very anxious and start shaking etc. It seems all so unfair and so unnecessary. Thank you

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Mcrates!

I applaud you for having the courage to come on BB and voice your concerns. It sounds like a distressing situation; it's no wonder you're having anxiety.

When setting boundaries for ourselves we have control, but we don't have power to control others. Your neighbour might be more reasonable if you ask her to attend a formal mediation process. I'm sure your local council will be able to advise on this service.

Even if she refuses, you've proven your worth by suggesting it and this will serve you well in the future if things escalate. As she owns her property, she can't just get up and leave like you can. That's in your favour.

If you have access to a psychologist, it might be helpful to talk it out with someone not emotionally involved with you. Your GP can organise it if this isn't already set up. Your GP can also attend to the anxious feelings you're having if they're severe.

Facing situations like this over a long period of time can be detrimental to your health hun. If it doesn't improve, it may be in your best interest to ask for help from your real estate agent to find better suited accommodation.

I'm not surprised that walking in your rear yard seems scary. You obviously live alone which can be quite isolating when conflict occurs. I'm in the same boat. I know what I'd do, but it may not suit your personality. I'd ask her to talk and then cry about how scared I felt.

I know this sounds manipulative, but it's worth considering letting her know how she affects you. Showing your emotions will at least show her she's accountable for how her choices affect others.

I still think mediation would support you better as they're really experienced people when dealing with emotive conflict.

I wish you the best of luck. Please don't hesitate to call in here whenever you like ok? It's a great place to find company and connect in anonymity and safety.

Lovely to meet you Mcrates;

Sez

[Mcrates]

Thank you Sez for your very helpful thoughts and advice. When my trusted friend approached my neighbour face to face yesterday... He remained completely calm throughout...He let her know that I was a mess and shaking/crying... so she is well aware of the impact upon me. She does not appear to possess any empathy towards me... She did not apoligise for upsetting me or say anything nice in regards to me. Recently she told me that she was struggling financially... I offerred her financial assistance and commiserated with her. She is regularly abusing her partner with aggresive swearing and is very controlling. I spoke to my Mum today and we discussed the recent blow up. Mum says that my neighbour is not being reasonable or fair and never has. Mum suggested contacting my Landlord as you have also. I am up for mediation but as my neighbour has a hedonistic attitude... I do not think that she would. I shall ask if the right moment presents. On the up side... I went to my work this afternoon and that went very well... When I got to the bottom of my street to come home...I told myself that I can do this... and I did my breathing exercises and drove into my driveway... Tonight I have been knitting socks for my little granddaughter... mindfulness... A wondrous thank you Sez! I feel valid... I have always experienced lovely healthy neighbour relations in my life... It is very hard when you are afraid to go home due to the turmoil and spasmodic abuse. The couple across the road with small child are fabulous.I have not discussed my issue with them. 😊🌷

[geoff]

hello Mcrates, I've been in exactly the same situation before I moved because after 9 years the landlord wanted the house for his daughter, however the chap next door was married and they had 2 children, but he had his radio turned up so high every w/end.
I kept on asking him to turn it down, sometimes he did and sometimes only a bit, but I used to go walking early in the morning by driving down to a park where 3 of us walked and had a chat, so when I came home I turned my car radio up as loud as it could go and that's what he didn't like, so after that he had his radio turned down.
That worked for me, but not sure if the same could prove the point to your next door neighbour, alternatively you could ring the police for disturbance, because there is a certain level of noise pollution that people are allowed, I know this maybe not what you want to do, but it's a thought.
Please don't lend her any money, not even a cent, because you will never get it back. Geoff.

[Just Sara]

Hi again Macca;

I'm so glad you've found some mindfulness in your upside down world. Knitting is wonderful for this; I can't do it anymore due to arthritis in my hands. (Wish I had a granddaughter to make socks for) 😕

I'm also happy my words helped you feel more confident and 'validated'. 🙂 Well done for taking things on board and doing the doing.

After reading more about your situation, I'm thinking seriously that approaching this woman yourself isn't safe. You need to be protective of you and your property. If she's abusive with her partner, she'll probably do the same to you.

Befriending someone like this has many risks involved. Please be mindful of 'boundaries'; physical ones and emotional ones. Self first!!!

Again, I reiterate about talking with council rep's about mediation. They'll inform her in writing. You don't have to do anything. Police can be helpful as well. It's best to get professional advice I think. I don't want to see you on here telling us how bad it's gotten or that you've been hurt. God forbid!

Sorry for being such a worry wart; it's that I care and want you to be safe. As I said, I live alone too and I know how hard it can be when isolated and scared.

So apart from all my doom and gloom, it sounds as if you're in a better frame of mind and doing what you can to stay positive. I'm happy for you. I hope things are on the up and up hun and you don't have to look back.

Have a great day; I'm going MIA for a few days (on a cruise) and will return next week.

Take care;

Sez

[Mcrates]

Dearest Geoff 😊 You are such a comforting soul for me today... When I was enduring my neighbour's 2 large dogs barking repeatedly on the other side of my house wall... A work colleague suggested recording it and playing it back to them loop wise. She only stopped them when I let her know that my Landlord was at my place attending to a maintenance item... and got to experience the full monty of the barking dogs. As my neighbour has a mortgage and I have a Lease tenure... She thinks that I am inferior. I keep a lovely house and garden. One would think she would be pleased that I am a respectful neighbour... This recent event is where I just asked to turn their music down a bit! Her partner plays piano and sings along and even though it permeates my place... I dont mind it at all... Even with practise repeats. Radio up at a job site level is not bearable though. You are right Geoff there is a statuatory minimum of 8 decibels. With our busy world these days... The sanctuatory of one's home is even more important. High density living is showing movement towards noise pollution change. I'm 54 and of a different generation to her... but I think common decency should prevail! I am so pleased that I have reached out to BB and your good self 🤗

[geoff]

hi Mcrates, thank you for your lovely reply and I can only imagine how lucky your landlord is by having you there looking after your pride and joy, the garden.
Please keep us informed about your situation as it may not be over such yet. Geoff.

[Mcrates]

Thank you Geoff 😀Your support has been invaluable. The neighbour in question has ceased the noise pollution. I have had a week and a half of peace... As it took someone else to intervene... It shows to me that she is a Bully.! The fallout is quite profound... I had 2 bed rest days last week due to heart palpitations. I have managed my part time job fortunately. It has brought up a severe bullying in the workplace when I was working in another sector... That was a female also and that situation was brought about by jealousy... I'm aware of the genesis of my thoughts and can manage with the skills that I have learnt. I have rallied this week with remembering my Great Uncle Jack... 4th Light Horse Brigade... Gaza Beersheba 1917 and their late afternoon 'Charge' that broke the Ottamon Line. Their Aussie guts and sheer determination certainly inspire me... to overcome... I have been out watering my garden in a quest to be more comfortable outside. I have one thought what to say if she approaches me... and remembering that she has no idea about me and my achievements in life and that I am worthy of simple respect. Talk soon Geoff...