Separating from 'the other woman'.

MallowPuff · ‎24-09-2016

Hi All,

need some guidance in helping get my life back on track. I've been through some tough times, recently diagnosed as recurrent MDD, but also concerns on Bipolar, but between my psychologist and psychiatrist(s) it's undecided.

During a stage, I ended up having intimate relations with a close friend who was supporting me, which developed into an emotional dependency/attachment. Alas, it wasn't just mine as she also became more engaged with me, although she was 'just up for fun, no regrets, no emotions'. We care alot about each other... but as I've not settled on a good dose of medication, as well as some counselling, the damage to my family is something I need to focus on and fix. As well as the many other issues going on 😞

So I've asked my friend for space, told her that we crossed a line that has made our relationship more than friends, and that I need to take a break (which I expect will be a very very long one, or for ever) that has meant her support for me is now compromised. The issue now, is that she first got angry, then started pleading with me to not leave her, and now has made comments around life not being worth living without me.... I have had suicidal thoughts myself, and this is a big shock. I care for her, and although she's now part of the problem, she's been my saviour in a few bad times.

But the guilt I have, the wonderful family and wife I have, are things that I now know I've been neglecting, and need to get back to. Although I love my friend dearly, repairing the relationship with my wonderful wife and kids is where I need to be...

How to support my friend is where I need help, it just adds to the hurt to know I'm ruining others around me that I care about..... Looking for 'safe' ideas of how to support my friend... No-one other than her and I know about our 'affair'.... She is also married, with a good husband, and two gorgeous kids....

I've made a mess.... need help....

Quiettall · ‎29-09-2016

Hello

Falling into the arms of another party who offers solace and support, is a natural but dangerous way to go. It complicates things and as you have experienced, creates all sorts of feelings and scenarios around withdrawing emotionally and physically from that connection.

I fell into a similar experience in the past when I was away from home and found interest from soemone else not only comforting, somewhat titillating, but exposed what I was missing from my own relationship. After some serious thought, and measuring up whether it was worth moving onto this new connection or not, I went back and spent time repairing and focussing on my existing relationship. The gem of wisdom I can offer is that I was able to recognise what "turned me on" in terms of getting involved in the extra connection. I used these insights to add "spice" or "excitement" or a refreshment to my existing relationship. My partner responded with surprise but appreciated my renewed interest and things eventually settled down. Any relationship takes ongoing effort to keep it fresh, and intellectually stimulating. How often do you hear people blame breakups on boredom or loss of interest? It is up to both parties to work on keeping that interest ongoing.

Hope that helps. It is a continual struggle that I am also working on.

Cheers

PEter

Doolhof · ‎30-09-2016

Hi Peter,

Enjoyed reading your post. Congratulations to you. Relationships can require some work to keep them going well!

It is a bit difficult when you feel that everything is so one sided though! When you intentions, plans, suggestions, communication are ignored, rejected or unwelcomed.

That is when I try to not look overt he fence but work on ways to enjoy my life with my own company.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

littledove · ‎01-10-2016

I find myself in a very, very similar situation but a bit further along and a bit more of a "mess". I cheated on my husband and family. About a year ago my husband found messages on FB. He forgave me and we attempted couples counselling. Unfortunately I continued my affair. My husband found out late last week and told me we were through. That was the day we were leaving Sydney for a holiday in Qld. I left for the holiday with my children but without my husband. My husband did join us a couple of days later but he hasn't really spoken to me. There is a tiny glimmer of hope that we can work through it but I still don't know. If he does agree to give me another chance I will be incredibly lucky. I think you have to cut all ties with the "other woman". If you don't then you might be tempted to resume the affair. If you did that, your wife will find out and it is almost certain she will not give you a second chance. I reckon most people will forgive one betrayal but no more. Let's say that you resume contact with the "other woman" but it is only as friends and your wife finds out. She isn't going to believe you are just friends. Even if she does believe you are just friends she is still not going to be OK with that. Your wife does not want you to have anything to do with this other lady and you need to respect that and stick to it. Seems as though the main reason you are considering not cutting contact is that you feel guilty because the "other woman" was there for you when you needed help and you feel that you are now abandoning her when she needs help. I totally get why you feel that way. You cannot help the "other woman". You are not well yourself and are in no position to help her. You need to accept that there are people who can help her but you are not one of them. If she contacts you again then my suggestion would be to tell her she needs help and point her in the right direction - suggest counselling, beyond blue etc. Good luck. Hope it works out for you and your family

MallowPuff · ‎02-10-2016

Thanks LittleDove for sharing your story, and to Dools and others for their suggestions.

I have now cut all ties to the affair, and it has been quite a weird/traumatic/trying week. I was unable to go to work, but spent a lot of time with my wife, and we have talked like we haven't in years. She is hurting, but knowing where I am at (headspace/illness) she has been extremely supportive, and understanding. I've also started to understand how the other person in the affair was culpable, when I felt all the responsibility. I felt entirely responsible, and although I had mental illness influencing my behaviour, my wife has helped dilute that notion as it certainly takes two to tango.

I've been back to the doctors, had my medication assessed/changed, and am being referred to a new psychiatrist. So this week will be me focusing on trying to get back to work, and getting better, so I can allow my wife to talk more about the impact to her.

Dizzy, I'm also taking the approach you suggest, coupled with as much honesty as I can. As you said, am I out with my ambitions to make up for the stupid mistakes, definitely. Am I doting, sitting, holding hands, doing more cleaning, making her coffees etc.... yes yes yes..... but that's what we used to do for each other, just over the years it stopped/changed... and it has been interesting to re-find that. But the honest has also been that I can confirm I love my wife, but we do have a gap in our relationship. We've lost some of our basic friendship parts, talking, enjoying things together, being together. We got into a position that it was all work, housekeeping, focus on the kids, and then each of us had developed our own separate interests/hobbies/sports that kept us sane (mostly). But we didn't have our own common ground, and it's something we've both been honest to say we almost need to learn to be friends again..... and there is the risk that we might not find it...

MallowPuff · ‎02-10-2016

My wife is most hurt because the affair has played upon some of her key insecurities, and I've had a hard time trying to convince her that the affair was more about me and my position/stupid choices, than a reflection on any deficiencies in her. But my words are not enough. I have convinced her to see someone to help support her as well, as she is too ashamed to speak to any friends/family. This is the sort of stuff I certainly had no idea about. Not only does she not want others to think adversely about me, but she feels shame in being cheated on, and how others might take that to mean "oh look, told you she's punching above her weight, couldn't keep him etc"... which is nothing I'd have ever considered 😞

So we're spending a lot of time together, and finding ways to sometimes distract ourselves from the situation, mostly by spending time with the kids. I don't think they know anythings going on, but they are enjoying the extra attention over the school holidays!

I know it is early days. I'm still a bit of a mess and struggling, and know it's hard for my lovely wife to deal with both me and my actions. But somehow she is, and is stronger than I'd given her credit for. I'm also realising a lot more of the ramifications of my actions, although I'm feeling more like someone certainly took advantage of me for their own pleasure (not that I didn't enjoy it at the time as such, massive highs! but now the big fall).

My wife has also taken some comfort in that the messages she read, were me breaking it off. Although I did agree it was not the first time, it was the most forceful/intent. So if you're reading this, in a similar situation, where you did something stupid but without the intent to 'follow it through' (ie run off into the sunset with your new person), the sooner you start to break it off, the sooner you can start to fix it! Again as littledove has found, I'm working through the first time incident, and finding more support than I expected....

Anyway, thanks all for your guidance, I will keep reading, sometimes it ends up making sense, and hopefully soon I can 'level out' and deal with some of this in better ways.

Apollo_Black · ‎03-10-2016

That's awesome what you've been doing Mallow. Keep up the good work and I wish you all the best

littledove · ‎03-10-2016

Well done MallowPuff. I reckon you are definitely adopting strategies that will get you moving in the right direction. Your wife sounds like a very compassionate and empathetic lady. I can relate to what you said about focusing on the children, the house etc. Just getting through the days. I think that is definitely something that went wrong with my marriage. I think dealing with that will form the basis of getting my relationship back. Not sure if my husband has agreed to that as he isn't really speaking to me yet. My mother in law has told me that he wants our marriage to work so I need to be patient. I agree with your wife's assessment about it taking two to tango. I'd had feelings similar to you - it was all my fault, the guilt was all mine. All that guilt and shame pushing down on top of you makes it so much harder to deal with your situation. I think we also need to try to remember that the same principle applies within the marriage. Both partners are responsible for continuing to work on it. Finding your friendship and common ground again. I'm so glad to hear that your wife is going to also get some help from a professional. My husband wouldn't do that before. He would only go to couple's counselling but I really felt as though if he had also gone and got his own counselling outside the couple's counselling that it would have made a huge difference. I think it will really help your wife a lot. I'm so glad we can all share our stories and strategies here. Being a "cheater" is a pretty lonely place to find yourself. It's not something you want to chat to your friends and family about! People who haven't been there don't really understand

Just Sara · ‎03-10-2016

Dear MP;

Your response was an eye opener for me, and personally gratifying. You've displayed empathy, humility and integrity. Well done!

Knowing you and your wife had a friendship and routines of togetherness in your beginnings, and now are trying to rekindle that in the present, is lovely to hear. Jealous much? - I am!

By sharing your trials, you've given others such as Littledove and myself, an opportunity to 'witness' another's recovery and process. For me, being able to write the things I did, helped me to let go of pent up feelings and resentments. My husband had an affair from before we were married until yrs after we split. I was pregnant with our first child at that time.

What impresses me, is your genuine nature, willingness to admit to your mistake, and do whatever it takes to remedy the situation with humility. I'm actually in awe of your courage and empathy towards your wife.

Littledove, I also appreciate your willingness to open up on BB as well. It' people like yourself and MallowPuff that give this site such a good reputation for being a safe haven to share. Your courage is also acknowledged by me. I hope you both applaud the important role BB forum and its caring members can be in promoting recovery and making life changes.

Thankyou...Dizzy xo

Doolhof · ‎03-10-2016

Hi All,

Relationships can be so darn difficult at times! Just look at the divorce rate! That doesn't include couples who breakup.

Hopefully those of us struggling with any kind of relationship issues, can learn new ways of making things work better!

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

littledove · ‎11-10-2016

I'm wondering how things are going for you MP?