Separating from 'the other woman'.

[MallowPuff]

Hi All,

need some guidance in helping get my life back on track. I've been through some tough times, recently diagnosed as recurrent MDD, but also concerns on Bipolar, but between my psychologist and psychiatrist(s) it's undecided.

During a stage, I ended up having intimate relations with a close friend who was supporting me, which developed into an emotional dependency/attachment. Alas, it wasn't just mine as she also became more engaged with me, although she was 'just up for fun, no regrets, no emotions'. We care alot about each other... but as I've not settled on a good dose of medication, as well as some counselling, the damage to my family is something I need to focus on and fix. As well as the many other issues going on 😞

So I've asked my friend for space, told her that we crossed a line that has made our relationship more than friends, and that I need to take a break (which I expect will be a very very long one, or for ever) that has meant her support for me is now compromised. The issue now, is that she first got angry, then started pleading with me to not leave her, and now has made comments around life not being worth living without me.... I have had suicidal thoughts myself, and this is a big shock. I care for her, and although she's now part of the problem, she's been my saviour in a few bad times.

But the guilt I have, the wonderful family and wife I have, are things that I now know I've been neglecting, and need to get back to. Although I love my friend dearly, repairing the relationship with my wonderful wife and kids is where I need to be...

How to support my friend is where I need help, it just adds to the hurt to know I'm ruining others around me that I care about..... Looking for 'safe' ideas of how to support my friend... No-one other than her and I know about our 'affair'.... She is also married, with a good husband, and two gorgeous kids....

I've made a mess.... need help....

[MallowPuff]

Hi All, Littledove,

I've had another 'new' psychiatrist appointment today, and a change in medication, moving off anti-depressants and upping a mood stabliser, whilst today being classified/diagnosed as Bipolar, with possible mixed state. The psychiatrist was wonderful, and we spoken openly about my own research, reading of the DSM IV and V and acknowledging that I'm a reasonably intelligent/high functioning individual. I was worried about this part, as most of my learning pointed towards this diagnosis as a possibility, but I was worried I'd talked myself into it a bit too much. But the Psych was excellent, acknowledging my science/IT background, reasonable IQ and noted that I've probably been spending a long time (years) with this, but due to my generally good self awareness, and logic/intellect, I've been able to self manage most low level symptoms.... up until about 12 months ago, and it's got out of hand ever since. Possible contributors includes a predisposition from teenage depression (medicated), and lots of drugs to treat psoriasis/psoriatic arthritis (including steriods) that have played havoc with my life over the past 20 years.

So I'm at the low end of the spectrum as such (or so I've been informed), but when you're on a train, and one day wonder how anyone can be happy, life is a big waste of time, humans are awful, wasteful... etc.... and then a week later, get on the train on the way into work, find every woman on the train attractive, think/feel I'm amazingly wonderful, want to talk to all of them, hold their hands and give them a hug, chat and make them feel loved and wonderful 🙂 and in between, just enjoy a plain, non eventful train ride into work, listening to music and looking out the window. Something just ain't right...

On the home front, I've been able to convince my beautiful and wonderfully strong wife to seek her own form of counselling, and convinced her to disclose our issues to at least one other person to support her, independent of me. Which she now has, and it has greatly helped. We are working through things well, she still has a lot of pain to heal, and I still feel unfair that I'm many weeks ahead in the healing process than she is right now, and that I'm working to her timeline. But the recent medication change has been highly insightful. I've found a different/normal version of MP, and this has been the biggest revelation and help.

So a tip, keep trying, one day you will get a breakthrough.

[Just Sara]

Hey MP;

Wow! The tone and style of your writing has changed dramatically. Addressing your mental health issues has become an important focus. Great job and kudos to your new psych.

Being diagnosed is a relief...it was for me. It made sense on so many levels and paved the way to self insight and ongoing recovery. It seems you've had some respite from previous situational stress's and are moving on with life; albeit up and down. That's the nature of the beast I'm afraid.

Yes..breakthrough's..each one a magnificent step towards self discovery and our mystery.

Thankyou for the update; wishing you well for the future.

Dizzy xo

[MallowPuff]

Hi,

the last couple of days have been a whirlwind.... I thought I was sort of okay, okay with the progress, a diagnosis and doing the hard work of turning up to yet another psych, pouring my head and heart out, triple guessing myself, and trying to control my thoughts and feelings...

But I'm not convinced, not happy, and it's all just a bit scary. I read too much, I've read too much, and I don't think I like it. My wife has read up on Bipolar and seems to agree more than me, not quite the validation I was after, and I think it's scared her a bit, especially the stuff around affairs and other hyper issues. Urgh...

This sucks. Where the heck did this all come from. I'm 40, thought I knew who I was and now it's all a bit too confused...

The rollercoaster continues.

[white knight]

Hi mp

Try to be positive.

Google: Topic: depression, are there any positives- beyondblue

Another one I think is Topic: a light at the end of a tunnel- beyondblue

you can't save the world but you can try to relax and view your illness as part of you that needs addressing. Over time you'll accept it and things will settle.

Tony WK

[Cornstarch]

But I'm not convinced, not happy, and it's all just a bit scary.

Get a second opinion. Get a third opinion if you can afford it.

Obviously it's not always that easy we are all restricted by finances and geographical location in terms of access to professionals.

But Bipolar is a very serious diagnosis you want to get it right.

I've had 'friends' in the past that have wanted to 'diagnose me'. Interestingly, it was always, always, always their diagnosis!

I'm sorry to say that shame and misery wants validation and company, it would have made them feel less alone and more able to cope. Looking back at that friendship now I think oh my god how self absorbed can you be.

I'm not saying your wife is self absorbed, you would be best mates and she would know you better than anyone.

But with such a serious diagnosis, I would go for detached third parties and leave your wife out of it because ultimately it is the correct diagnosis that will give you guys the most strength and power to continue as a couple.

Despite everything that has happened it sounds like you have proven time and time again that you want to be with her and not someone else.

You want to get it right.

Surly she does too.

Good luck.

[BeautifulWild]

I am new here and have been reading for a few months to get support for both my own MH and in supporting my partner who also has MH issues. Mallowpuff's experience has a few similarities to my own. It sounds like MP is maybe coming down from the relief of being given a diagnosis and reality is now sinking in. Cornstarch forgive me if I am misunderstanding your post but to suggest MP not discuss the diagnosis and his concerns and doubts openly with his wife is irresponsible unless you know the intricacies of their relationship.

Learning a psychiatrist has diagnosed her husband with bipolar it is normal to seek information on what this might mean in order for her to move forward and give MP the support he needs. Bipolar Infidelity is real. I am not saying this is what MP experienced but I can understand his wife’s fear if she has read anything about this. I have been there. The discussion needs to stay open.

‘proven time and time again that you want to be with her’
If I am not mistaken it’s only been a couple of weeks. Having been there myself that really irritated me. His wife is only just processing the early stages of deep heartache and has now been dealt a second trauma with her husband’s diagnosis. It will take a long time for her to feel secure in her marriage again. An affair alone turns your life upside down. From reading MPs posts I am not sure how you jumped to the conclusion that his wife is anything like your friends, although to be honest given her situation she has every right to feel ‘self absorbed’ at the moment. I hope MP does seek to get a second opinion if he wishes, but keeps his wife in the picture 100%.
Open communication is a key thing that saved my relationship and helped rebuild trust.

Good luck Mallowpuff. You can get through this stronger together.

[littledove]

Some great advice over the last few days. Really wise.

I'm going through something similar to you and I'm finding it very much an up and down ride. Some days are dreadful and others are OK. Some hours are dreadful and others are OK. Don't beat yourself up because you are having a not so OK day. Accept that whilst some times are up and some times are down that you are moving in the right direction - the issues (whilst they don't yet have a label) are out in the open and you are seeking answers. That is a big positive I reckon.

Being high functioning is a funny thing. I'm also 40 and with hindsight I can see I've been on the depression/anxiety ride my whole life. In the pat I thought everyone worries - I get out of bed, I get my children to school, I go to work - I'm not depressed. Ba Bowwwww!!!! It wasn't until I said that to a friend a few years ago and she said yes you get out of bed but you do you can do that because you are high functioning it doesn't mean you aren't depressed that the penny dropped.

The whole thing around labels - maybe the label question is still up in the air but in the meantime you are getting professional help, talking and getting stuff off your chest. No doubt that helps. And maybe even if the label isn't finally decided upon the medication might still be helping anyhow?

I agree with the other comments about being careful when it comes to the diagnosis. And maybe not hang your hat upon getting a diagnosis? Maybe think more in terms of it will take time to sort through that but there is still value in the steps that I am taking now such as getting counselling etc.

Thank you to the other posters for the google search suggestions. I am going to have a good look at those too.

Keep going MP. You are still heading in the right direction.

[MallowPuff]

Hey all,

thanks BW for your follow-up message, it seems to strike the right chord. My wife is struggling, but doing okay as long as we keep talking! so yes, we are trying to be as open as we can, as by not talking and trying to 'protect' each other has partly contributed to the original poor outcome. This I think drives part of the challenge, in that my wife has taken on too much of the accountability and keeps looking at what things she could have done better, to support our marriage, and possibly to support me as I deteriorated. I have also been doing a lot of the same thinking, but whereas I naturally seem to be able to look/learn/move on, my wife dwells and beats herself up (a lot more than I do). even when I try to say it either wasn't her, or that hindsight is only good when you know different, and that we can't change the past etc etc. she has still taken on too much 😞 which I hope will lessen over time.

Also as you mentioned BW, it's only been two weeks! I can't believe it, it feels like an eternity! but then I'm amazed at how much has happened in the last 2 weeks, and thankfully, there have been some wonderfully good and amazing/hopeful things among some of the worst times of my life.

So yes, I'm feeling a little better today, still unsure, still confused, still scared, but trying to stay optimistic. I just feel crap that we now have 3 things we are dealing with, 1 - the infidelity (and supporting my wife), 2 - my diagnosis and what springs from that, 3 - all the stuff that needed attention in our relationship before the affair!

I've also encouraged my wife to research, learn and let me know what she finds. It did contribute to a funny moment, when my wife came back and let me know that the majority of online help forums told her to dump me as quickly as possible, kick me out, and that once a cheater always a cheater type response. She said she thankfully decided to use her own judgement. Also now her research has informed her on the difficulties with bipolar, the risks around 're-offending' and it scares her (and me). But these may be realities we have to know in advance, and I'd much prefer she reads about it and we talk about it now, than pretend it doesn't exist...

So are both struggling, and it's hard, and I hate it, and hate myself often..... The rollercoaster, rolls on...

Thanks again BW, your words help 🙂

btw, our relationship is 12 years married, 19 years together, 2 kids, and a lot of good times 🙂

[Quiettall]

Hi there

I have been reading through your posts and the replies. I also am in a 12 year marriage where we both have issues to deal with. Mine revolve around wanting to use my retirement years to do positive things, get out and about and make a difference. My wife has taken an attitude she would rather just potter, involve herself in a limited number of other people, always giving advice, but restricting any real giving of time or money or anything else to anyone else.

I am seen by her as too generous of my time and resources, and sees me as being too caring for others, yet she always complains I dont care for her enough, although I go out of my way to be the caring supportive husband.

The key point I found reading through these posts and replies is the need for independent counselling for each party, and to get to a point where we can share our insights. I am trying to share mine, but it is difficult for her to see there is a bigger world out there to live and love.

All the best with your struggles. It is not easy...life is a rollercoaster...I feel it is just learning how we can somehow smooth out the ups and downs and build resilience to ride them out better and survive and grow from the experiences.

[Bettina61]

Hi mallowpuff. Is it too late to reply to your post of 2016? I have just joined beyond blue forums today as my husband cheated on me for 3 years and I only found out 4 months ago, and am still struggling with it, although I want to forgive him as he has been as remorseful as you were. I am wondering how you and your wife are going now? I would love to talk to your wife and see how she has coped. I need to meet more people who have gone through the same thing and have come out the other end happily while staying together with their husband. As you mentioned in one post, most people seem to advise leaving the cheating husband, and it is not what i want to hear.