Rejection of my attempts to contact family

[Quiettall]

Just before Christmas 2013 my daughter had her second child, which was my 2nd grandchild. I was so excited for her but only found out after I hadnt heard from her for weeks, through her Facebook postings. This was even though I had emailed, texted and posted to her regularly leading up to the birth encouraging and supporting her and suggesting I visit her as soon as the baby  is born. I'm in Brisbane and feel as if she and her brother have deliberately cut me out of their life. The only reason I can put this down to is that when their mother and I divroced back in 1991, their mother threatened that she would make sure I had no further relationship or contact with my children. I was not abusive or anything like that. I still remain caring and constantly reaching out to the kids, encouraging them, telling them how proud I am of them.

It is so devastating being deliberately cut out of their lives and particularly my 2 grandchildren. I have only seen my grandson twice in his ten years, both times because I made the effort to fly down and spend time with them.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear this. If I can I want to give you an example of what I've done and mention remedies later.

I'm 68yo and over the years, with mental health issues, I've developed a solid self protection system obviously grown following several traumas and damage done.

I have 2 daughters, the eldest very close to me and her step mum. The youngest has been my nightmare whereby she'd message me on FB every 2 years or so then after 7-10 days just when all things are going good, I'm blocked. She wouldnt supply a phone number nor address. All such behaviour based on me being demonised by her mother- why? Well the fact my eldest left her to live with me was a betrayal all round and so her revenge was to ensure our youngest wouldnt do the same.

So, 4 years ago I had the last message from my youngest. It lasted 10 days, all was good, plans to try and get along, future meet ups etc. Then blocked. So, that was it, I blocked her also. It shattered me to make that decision but I'm now secure in the fact she cannot contact me. I have a plan if she found our new house and knocked on the door, to allow her in share a drink and not waver in any way my firm view that she has ruined her relationship with me. 

Here is the crunch- if she has a BF and/or children I will refuse to see them. I'm under no obligation. If I see her kids (I love children) I will give my kind sensitive heart to them and be traumatised when she stops contact. If I meet her BF I will feel I have to justify why she treats me like a evil person. I'm free now and yes, I still grieve for her but I've taken the road with less hurt.

Children are often programmed buy a scorned partner and you cant fight that unless the child has an open mind, this can occur usually when the favourite parent shows their true colours towards that child and then they realise you were right all along. But in my case my youngest is like minded like her mum and that includes the ingredient of narcissism. I've eliminated all narcs from my life.

Yes, its all devastating and you have but 2 options- try to patch up the relationship. If you are unable to, get on with your life, keep busy and treat it as bad luck. My MIL, had one remedy- she became a foster mum to an autistic child. She passed 3 years ago and now my wife and I took over that role (although much less commitment). Either that or animal rescue. Put your love in things where its valued.

"Sometimes the greatest tragedy is adults acting out their freedom of choice... free to make the wrong ones."

TonyWK

[Quiettall]

Thanks Tony for your help. I have been doing lots of health services co-design work and overseas aid work where I also sponsor 5 kids in Indonesia. Not having a reyor contact my 2 children or grandkids leave a hole in my heart but I know I need to move on and focus my energy on positive things 

[white knight]

Thanks for getting back to us. Yes we need to allow ourselves regular periods of a few minutes to reflect on what could have been, then rise up and put our efforts into the happiest we can be. Good luck and great about your sponsor program.

TonyWK

[Fiatlux]

Hi Quiettall,

Hope you are well.

I can only write as the daughter, now 56, who cut her mother off in 2012 after my father passed away in 2011. My parents were not divorced so I had regular contact with them but this ended after Christmas 2011. The first Christmas without Dad and I realised that the person who had held us all together was no more. Within a few months of dad’s death, nobody was really speaking to each other. My mother was possibly the cause of it all. I have only seen her a few occasions since but I don’t speak with her.

My youngest sister passed away last August and I had to attend her home as my other siblings were unavailable. Just spending a few hours with her again, reminded me that she is a narcissist and compulsive liar. It didn’t take long for her b.s. to start. I also discovered that my mother hadn’t seen her other grandchildren since 2011 and although she is a great grandmother, has never met her great grandchildren either. So I am not the only child who has cut her off.

My older brother and now deceased younger sister have lived with mother for over a decade. Mum is alone now most of the time as brother spends most of his time overseas. Brother was hoping that he could guilt me into helping our mother but I have refused. My older sister has been in contact with her and may have reconciled with her? Brother desperately wants to put mum in a nursing home so he can get on with his own life.

Although my own children are young adults, I feel that it really is up to me to keep in touch with them and keep us all connected. My daughter moved overseas in 2017 so I message her and we Skype often. My eldest son lives 10 minutes away but I message him often, invite him for dinner weekly so we stay in touch. My middle son is still living with me.

Don’t stop reaching out to your children. They will appreciate it and remember that you didn’t give up. Have they cut you out or just busy getting on with life? When I first married I only saw my parents a couple of times a year. They didn’t visit me either, very often. After I had children, my mother only visited if she was invited to a birthday or something. Mother was distant and not the warm loving grandmother that my children saw from my mother in law. My dad on the other hand would drop by often after my children were born and showered them with kisses. My dad was really fantastic. He would do anything for his children and grandchildren. He would always be thinking of us. Little gestures like buying free range eggs for me from a friends farm. We all loved our dad and he was a great role model for us. I miss him everyday.

If your children haven’t specifically told you that they have cut you off, don’t stop reaching out to them. And visit them if and when you can. It’s harder to travel with kids. 

All the best, Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Quiettall]

I just wanted to shae some good news. I finally got a call and sms from my daughter with great pictures of her 3 month old baby, my second grandchild. I replied by text saying I prefer we talk later tyonight when she gets time. She blames me for the fact she hasnt kept contact, saying she resents the fact that I do this community work and dont give her the time she expects of me. Funny about that. I have sent messages, texts and emaisl on a monthly basis and received no response for months, but at least now, contact is re-established. I am old enough and stupid enough to take that criticism on the chin.

I  have had similar experiences like this from her repeatedly over the years, so I guess I am used to it by now.

However, I am hopeful maybe things could turn around and we can build a more collaborative contact arrangement.

Thanks for your wonderful support Flatlux and Tony