Hi becky_1992
You gotta seriously wonder about some people. Before seriously wondering, I suppose the question is 'Is wondering about them worth the time or is it a complete waste of time?'. My heart goes out to you as your wonderful nature leads you to so many questions, in the process of you recovering from terrible heartbreak.
Myself, I can't help but wonder whether he's a narcissist or there's some other factor going on. The other factor can involve telling it how it is while legitimately not being able to feel for others, their pain, heartbreak, stress, upset etc. There can be a variety of reasons for that.
While you feel a lot of mixed emotions, I wonder whether you've ever considered anger to be a loving kind of emotion. If you are angry about how he wasted your time, angry about how much he hurt you and angry about how he's led you to feel depressed, this reflects how much you truly love yourself. Anger, in this sense, can involve a part of us screaming 'YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS! YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HOW HE'S TREATED YOU!'. Personally, I've found there's this highly intolerant deeply loving part of me that can kind of resemble a guide in some way. It's one of the most upstanding facets of myself. This part of you may come to life in the next relationship you find yourself in, perhaps with inner dialogue that sounds a little like 'Don't start tolerating the same stuff you did from the last guy'. This part of us also happens to be a really good and helpful boundary setter.
I think sometimes we don't feel our self crossing our boundaries. It can all be so subtle at times. For example, at the start of a relationship one of our boundaries can involve 'Good communication'. A partner can lead us to believe we can live without good communication, based on them not wanting to exercise it. So, now we're on the side of poor communication (in their territory). Perhaps another boundary could involve trust in our own feelings or emotions. Over time they may take us to their side, the other side of our boundary, as they begin to fill us with self doubt and depressing thoughts. I won't go on, but you get the gist. So, you could say on your side of the boundary, at the beginning of the relationship, all is brilliant or bright and you're full of enlightening ideals, feelings and beliefs. On the other side, a lot can be dark as we lose communication, lose faith in our self, lose the ability to see a bright future, lose the ability to feel what inspiration feels like etc etc. And this can be where we are left when the other person leaves the relationship. So, I suppose the question could be 'How do I come back from the dark side?'. If it helps at all, maybe an empowering way of looking at it could be 'You b*****d, you left me on the dark side. Now I've got all this work to do when it comes to returning to the side that offers me the most brilliance, the most light/enlightenment'. It pays to have some really good quality guides in life, to help lead the way. It sounds like a good start was in finding a couple of people who were able to help shed light on your ex's nature. A step in the right direction. Gaining a sense of every brilliant person and every constructive step on your return may offer you some sense of inspiration and repair, when it comes to a broken heart.
Sending some love for you to throw into your backpack, as you travel through some uncharted territory on your return. Btw, if you look in your backpack, you'll find skills, abilities and emotions you never knew were there. You've got this, you can do it. ❤️
