Need some advice please

[Mav2030]

Hi there, 51yr old, 30years married but it looks like I may have stepped too far this time and it's probably over.

I have several issues, I'm finally starting to get help but my biggest problems are I don't/can't listen to my wife,  and I always have to be right. A lot of it stems from 20+ years of me thinking I was helping her with her mental health problems, when all I was doing was making hers and mine worse.

Sometimes when we're arguing, I'll just blurt out stuff - sometimes I do it cause I'm sick of feeling like I'm being attacked, other times it just happens. Yesterday when she was trying to talk to me about her fears with addictions (in particular for her alcohol) for some god knows reason I giggled and told her of a time we got drunk when we were younger. This was with young kids, and I didn't even think of the ramifications of bringing it up, I just did.  She doesn't remember the time, and definitely swears black and blue she didn't do it, couldn't do it but I remember it. Maybe I got the times / dates wrong, but I remember it. 

Right now, she's not even looking at me, let alone willing to talk - I know I've let my mouth jump in again, and I've probably sealed my fate, but if anyone else has had similar foot in mouth issues, have you got any advice?  I can't justify what I said, especially knowing her background but this woman is the only person who has ever given a damn about me, and every few weeks I let my mouth run away with what's happening.  This is something I'm talking about, but right now, I'm lost and afraid I can't get back.

[quirkywords]

Mav2030

Thanks for being honest and reaching out.
You have insight after you have let you mouth say something after you have said something you regretted. 
as you have done this a few times can you find away to think about what will hsppen if you say what you are thinking.

i used to say things then I used to apologise. 
Do yo think you could learn to control what you say. 

You are aware of how your words affect your wife,

You care so much about your wife.

you are trying to change. These are all helpful qualities. 

[tranzcrybe]

You have the knack of becoming flippant when confronted with complex emotions - for you, this helps lighten the load; but after the fact you can see the hurt caused.

When wife reaches out to you, it may help to first feel her emotional conflict in order to regulate the response you would normally give.

Right now, you probably should give her a long loving embrace to acknowledge your insensitivity and aversion to deeper issues - after 30 years, there won't be much she doesn't already know, but stepping yourself down and giving yourself over to her needs would go a long way to making amends.

[therising]

Hi Mav2030

Emotional development isn't easy at times, that's for sure. It can take years to master, for a whole variety of reasons. I think, for a start, we can't afford to be too tough on our self as we're setting out. I feel for both you and your wife as you face this incredibly challenging time in your relationship.

Some of the reasons emotional development can be a challenge

• We were raised a certain way, to not practice feeling for others
• We can be led to practice suppressing emotions and seeing them as a problem, as opposed to looking at it as every emotion or feeling being telling and therefor highly important
• We can be more focused on our own emotions, more than anyone else's, which can happen for a number of reasons including mental health reasons

Loads more different reasons.

Being able to say to a partner 'I know where my inability to feel for others stemmed from', can be a good start. It's a sign that greater consciousness is beginning to develop and there's a sense of promise and optimism in that. I think what makes a difference to me in my marriage (of 21 years) is hearing and sensing my husband becoming more conscious, as opposed to hearing him say stuff he's always said before, such as 'I'll try and be more thoughtful' or 'I'm sorry I upset you'. When he says things I've never heard before, I feel that. I can feel a new sense of awareness.

I've found 'pausing to absorb information' to be helpful in emotional self regulation and understanding. It has a twofold affect. Firstly, it allows time for processing another's feelings and secondly it allows time to gain a sense of what to say and what not to say. It allows time for the sage in us to chime in with 'Whatever you do don't say that out loud (what you're thinking). Keep it to yourself'. So important to follow that kind of guidance at times. Pausing allows for the development of instinct or intuition. Verbal and visual cues would be another factor in reading an emotional situation. The following might be something your wife could relate to. With me being a gal who's an ex drinker, my 21yo daughter can get a sense of where I'm coming from when it comes to her father talking about our earlier years together as drinking buddies. While his proclamation 'Your mother could drink just about any guy under the table back in the day' is something that leads him to beam with pride, my daughter senses some of my shame and regret from my drinking days. The cues for her involve my look of sadness when he says it and me expressing how I now feel those days, 'That's something I'm not proud of and I'm glad I've left those days behind me'. While he may go on to insist on how much fun it all was, my daughter will take the cues and change the subject.

While it can be hard to relate to how someone feels about a particular issue or challenge, I don't think we have to relate to that exact issue or challenge in order to feel for them. Sometimes the challenge can be about relating to the feeling itself. For example, when was a time where we felt fear or shame or sadness or excitement or pure joy etc etc? To think about that time allows for the conjuring of the feeling the other person is experiencing. While I was a rather self absorbed person when I was younger, not feeling a lot for others, raising a couple of kids changed all that. Practicing feeling for them, the need for patience, problem solving, greater tolerance, compassion, greater love etc is what led me to develop my ability to feel for others. Sometimes feeling for others takes practice and we gotta start somewhere. 🙂

[Mav2030]

Thankyou for these comments, yes I'm trying and I've actively started talking with a psychologist so we will see how I go. They say the first step is the hardest, but I think is just as if not harder to take the next ones.

[Mav2030]

Yes Tranzcrybe that what I've been trying to do. Rebuilding the trust is going to take me a while. I've decided to take another week off from work, they think it's cause I rushed back to soon after surgery but it's so I can just sit with my wife, and talk or not if that's what she wants. But I'll listen without rushing to comment.

[Mav2030]

Thankyou Rising, yes having 4 kids ourselves I find it easier to deal with them. But they always fixated on me, mainly as I was working 10-12 hour days so they would race to see daddy when he got home. My wife still thinks the kids favour me over her, but that just cause they were on the receiving end of some of our earlier arguments when I didn't really understand her mental health issues. They just saw mum being unreasonable when dad got home late from work.

I'm beginning to understand how she has felt all this time, and I don't like it one bit - but that's not going to stop me from getting the assistance o need to sort myself out. It will just take time.