Putting my domineering mother into care

[Julz01]

Last week I put my mother with dementia into care. It's been tough she keeps asking when she is going home. I take her beloved dog in to visit & she breaks down every time. I keep telling her a couple of weeks or I don't know when she's going home; truth is she can't go home she has let self care lapse, wanders in her pyjamas fortunately nice strangers have brought her home. Yesterday was a bit traumatic she would not let go of her dog & stood at the front door demanding to go home, the centre had to go into lock down. Fortunately the centre have approved her dog to stay for a trial. I had to leave at a side door & staff took over an hour to coax her back to her room. I didn't want her to go into the high security wing because so many of them are much further gone then her but the centre have made me feel we are running out of options. I feel traumatised by the events of yesterday, I feel incredible guilt for removing her from her home & I feel overwhelmed that I have to soon make efforts to sell off her assets to pay for care. I had my depression & anxiety under control since hospitalisation 14 months ago but it's creeping back up & I have started drinking again, which I know I have to settle so my plan is next week when I go back to work routines after holidays.

[geoff]

hello Julz01, I certainly know what you are saying but because she wanders away from home then you won't be able to keep an eye on her while you are work, and I hope the home decide to let her dog in when you visit her, she will get used to her dog coming and going, it will be sad for her but especially you, so you have to make that decision whether or not you the dog goes with you.

When one of our parents or someone you are very close to begin to show signs of dementia it's heartbreaking that you know you maybe losing, but you shouldn't feel guilty because she couldn't be left alone in her home and any help to look after her has ended.

Professional care will be able to look after her 24/7 but at the moment you need to make sure you look after yourself, alcohol is a quick way to forget but then there comes a time when you may have drunk too much and this is when you break down and start to blame yourself and hate the feeling of knowing that her assets have to be sold, but old age is something we have to cope with each day, and no it's never pleasant to realise that what we could do 20 years ago we can't now.

Since you've been in hospital with depression and anxiety I worry about what's going to happen to you, so please go back to your doctor and don't use the alcohol as a way of self medicating, that's what I did, all for the worse. Geoff.

[demonblaster]

Sorry Julz that'd be very hard for you, glad they're prepared to do a trial with dog

This will take a bit of time I imagine but with luck she'll settle & get used to being there & the routine
I understand you feeling guilty but this is out of your control & was a necessary change for the good of your Mum

You've done well with controlling your Depression & Anxiety may I also recommend to be very careful with grog as it's a depressant too.

All best to you both

[Quercus]

Hi Julz01 it is good to see you back on the forums (even if I wish it was under better circumstances).

I was having a conversation yesterday with my husband about how I'm worried about my mum. She was carer for my grandparents and worked full time over a period of 10 years. Now they have passed away she doesn't seem entirely well. He told me there have been studies about how carers can develop PTSD from the traumatic experiences of caring for a loved one over a long period of time.

Your post reminded me of this. The experiences with your Mum are affecting you understandably. In some ways it is easier to deal with a loved one having an accident and passing away. Watching someone decline over years is horrible. I remember my Grandma's dementia making her so aggressive and it was heartbreaking because she was the most gentle person I knew. She was angry because she was frightened and confused and it was hell to watch.

I really do think it is time to go see your medical professional. To debrief and if possible to talk about how you're feeling. What do you think?

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

Hi again Julz01,

I'm just doing some forum housekeeping so that people are able to better support you (by knowing more of your story).

Currently the forums don't have an option where we can bring up all threads by one member. It means we all end up repeating ourselves and asking you the same questions (like what professional medical support do you have?).

I really hope you don't mind me doing this Julz. If you do please just report this post ok?

More of Julz' story can be found here:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Going backwards but trying hard to look forward

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Feeling like a fraud

[Julz01]

Thanks everyone for your support. It's been a new week for me getting back into self care including back to the gym, eating healthy & no alcohol. I have decided to distance myself fro Mum for a couple of weeks in the hope it will help her better transition to permanent care; it will also help with my self preservation she seems to forget who has visited her & I can't cope with the attacks on me and demands to take her home. I've seen my GP had a long chat got a new mental health plan to kick of the year & I will book a debrief with my psychologist soon.

Thanks again everyone

Julz

[demonblaster]

Thx hun, good on you Julz sounds like you're doing the right things

So glad you have a mh plan & having a break is a really good idea, way too much to have to deal with.

And you're looking after yourself patting your back nice going ☺

Appreciate you keeping us in the loop

Very best for you

[Quercus]

Hi Julz,

DB has said it all really but good on you. It can't be easy to back off from your Mum for a bit but sometimes you have to come first for your own sanity and wellbeing.

Keep taking good care of you. Congratulations on giving the booze a miss too.

❤ Nat

[geoff]

hi Julz, pleased to hear that you have started to look after yourself, that's very important and to stay away from your mum for 2 weeks is a good way for her to get accustomed to the daily routines of permanent care.

I know personally that it is so difficult to leave a parent in care, the exact problem happened to me when my Mum was put into a nursing home, mentally there was no problem but physically she couldn't walk after a knee replacement, so it made me cry to leave her and I had to wait a couple of weeks before I saw her again.

Please look after yourself. Geoff.

[Julz01]

I think the pressure of the last 6 weeks came to a head. Friday night I took a heap of my meds but all that did was make me exhausted for 2 days. I fell asleep & woke up at 3.45 pm the next day.

my husband & I don't argue but he got a bit angry this afternoon. He says I am too soft on our children, lend money to my 22 year old son when he needs it, d't say no enough to my 14 nearly 15 year old daughter & my 20 year old son doesn't interact with us conversations result in one word answers. My eldest daughter is the only one respectful of both of us, helps with duties/ appointments for the grand parents & will find a bill & pay for it.

I get more respect then my husband but that's probably because I am the soft touch, but I also know they can tell me things they are afraid to tell their father. But they are short with him when he tries to have a normal conversation with them & I hate it. All I know is the freeloading disrespectful adult children are causing a rift in my relationship with my husband and I have to step up with my kids & give them the hard talking to.

whilst my husband was on a roll he brought up my drinkng, which I do of a weekend and said he can't cope anymore with the boozy blues each weekend where I am reluctant to get out of bed. I feel like shit. He reminded me when we had 10 or so months of me in a good headspace when I was not drinking, he said I can't just have 1 or 2 drinks which he is right I am a binger. I said March I will stop again.

on top of this I am getting pressure as my mum's guardian for allowing her to go into the high security section of the aged care facility but sadly she kept trying to escape, but just as sad she can hold a better conversation than those she's Locke in with. So it's a rock & a hard place. I am now sorting her house with decades worth of stuff getting ready to sell it to pay for her aged care - btw she blames me for being there.

i think m a tad overwhelmed!