Porn Addicted Partner

[AnnieK]

I have just discovered my husband of 40 years has been addicted to porn for about 9 years. Can you imagine. This is a man I loved and adored.I am shocked, so devastated and am only managing my life day to day. I knew something was terribly wrong when intimacy stopped. I feel like a fool to believe all his excuses from work load, tired, prostate issues even the death of a family member. My life as I knew it has been destoyed. He gas started counselling and wants to be a better man. All help out there is for addicts ! Where is help for the spouses suffering such trauma. Please help me.

[white knight]

Hi annie, welcome

I would definitely attend counseling with him. No doubt.

I think his deceit is a problem and thats going to be hard to trust again.

I hope you do ok

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear AnnieK~

I'd like to join Tony WK in welcoming you here to the Forum. To find this out from your long-term partner, and also to find out it is not a recent thing, is quite shattering.

As Tony says it destroys trust and I'd imagine can also make a big hit to self-esteem. Unfortunately porn presents highly unrealistic images and situations that are nothing to do with real life. Most people would feel shortcomings if they tried to compare themselves. There is also the feelings of loss of life-long intimacy and security.

All addictions, if they are to be successfully treated, start with the addict recognizing there is a serious problem and a determination to beat it. If your husband is genuine then he has taken the first step. I would imagine as with many addictions professional help is needed and that it will take a fair amount of time.

This discovery has probably soured all parts of your relationship, though I'm not sure that is necessarily warranted. Of course I have no idea of how your partnership has been for those 40 years, however I'd suspect if there was nothing worth having in him you would not have loved him as you have. Although I have no experience in this area I'd imagine trust could be re-built, I do hope so. A partnership can be a wonderful thing and is worth fighting for.

In many areas in life when we are faced with the unfamiliar it can help to have advice from experts. I think it would be a pretty good idea for you to have counseling from someone who is qualified and who has experience in this field. That what you can know what to expect and probably how fundamental this addiction is to your overall relationship.

Please feel you can come here and discuss this as much as you'd like, you will be met with care and understanding

Croix

[Empathic]

Hi AnnieK

My heart goes out to you! 2 months ago I found out my husband has a porn addiction so I know exactly what you are going through. You are right, there is very little out there for us innocent victims of porn addicts. Most of what I found was extremely religion based and dictated that the spouse forgive her partner and be sympathetic. Ummmm. No way! Right now you are angry, confused, distraught, sad, hurt and wondering if he ever loved you at all. You are analysing everything and your mind is in constant overdrive with suspicions and questions. You are desperately trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense at all.

I am receiving counselling myself and as it is early days I am still in the distraught stage. I am still searching through his phone and tablet trying to find out just how far things have degenerated. In my case I became suspicious and searched his phone internet history only to find him listed of several kinky dating websites. Like your spouse he is receiving help and is adamant he wants to become a better person but I have many questions the number one being How far would this have gone had I not found out?

Right now, my self esteem is zero, my husband disgusts me and I seriously doubt my love for him. I feel I should try and work with him to salvage our marriage but I have so many brick walls preventing me from putting in the effort. Our counselor tells me this is quite normal and explained that I am actually dealing with PTSD.

The help I have received here has been invaluable and I hope you can find the help you need too. One day I hope we both find peace and are able to look back on this stronger and better. xxx

[geoff]

hi Annie, this is definitely a shock you weren't ready for nor did you ever suspect that your husband was searching the net for porn, and it could be hidden away until they fail to cover it up in a lack of judgement, that's when they are caught.
I can never understand why someone would give up being intimate with a partner/spouse to be replaced by images of porn, to me it doesn't make sense, but now he's been found out, then all the trust that has built up over the 40 years has suddenly been thrown out the window.
I am terribly sorry for you just as we were for Empathic because it leaves an enormous hole in the marriage.
I know your husband has started counselling, and I truly hope this helps him, however when the two of you go out and he sees some beautiful girl, your mind will be ticking over.
Any addiction is most difficult to overcome, unless they are genuinely determined to overcome it, however there's a chance that he will pretend to be cured when in fact he's nowhere near it and only faking, that's a gamble and a decision you need to make.
I know what my wife (ex) would have done if we were in the same situation, of course, we weren't, but she would have taken the boys and left and never believed that any sex therapy could ever work, I'm not sure whether you feel the same.
You need to talk with your doctor then they will direct you to someone who specialises in this particular addiction, so can you google this 'who to help spouse whose husband has porn addiction' you probably have already.
There are so many implications regarding this for, but at the moment I would be telling your husband to move out, 'he's made his bed and now he has to lie in it', I would not be having anything to do with him. Geoff.

[Paris000]

This is me now. I have just discovered soft porn images on my husbands computer and am quite devastated. We have not been intimate for a very long time as he seemed impotent, so being the supporting wife and never a demanding one anyway, had accepted that this was the price to pay for depression and the medication that went with it. My sadness and depression over this is what else is there I have been missing? I feel like I have been asleep at the wheel. I confided in two of my close friends (female) and they expressed deep worry that it probably means a lot more than just the photos, whilst a male friend thinks I'm worrying too much and that he is probably just trying to "work" the problem out himself so to speak. He agrees it's a very delicate situation and probably not one to be discussed. He thinks my husband is probably just very embarrassed and it's the only way he can deal with it. My husband is on medication, but refuses all other help and has no friends. I have so many questions swirling about in my head and my self worth is at rock bottom.

[geoff]

hi Paris, I'm also very sorry to hear this, whether or not your husband is embarrassed is only because he's been caught out if he hadn't then it would still be going on and yes it does mean much more than it appears.
Soft porn could lead to many other avenues that he has been more careful in hiding.
My advice to you would be the same as what I have said to Annie, but please get back to me if you want, because your journey is not going to be easy for you and I'm very sorry for you. Geoff.

[Paris000]

thanks Geoff for replying. My husband doesn't know that I know. I only came across it by chance and I was looking at browser history from a few weeks ago that he hadn't bothered to clear. I did notice earlier than that though when we were both looking at something else that a random ad came up to do with porn and he just dismissed it. It was this that made me wonder if something else was going on. I would never have dreamt of "spying" like this and part of me wishes I hadn't found it. So do I confront him with what I found? I am concerned that he will then cover his tracks better and I'll never know if there is more I should be worried about.

[Empathic]

Hi Paris000

I too recently found out that my husband is addicted to porn and found out through his email account which he left open on my laptop. I found he had visited many questionable sites and was signed up on at least 16 dating websites. Arm yourself with as much as you can then demand answers. Your road ahead will not be easy but I for one can support you through here.

Take care

[Janine3]

Hi Annie

I am so sorry this has happened to you. My husband has had an addiction to porn for the majority of our marriage, 28+ years.

I found out he also had an affair for real after I found emails on his laptop.

He has had (that I know of) 4 online affairs.

It is heartbreaking, embarrassing, belittling and numbing. I feel for you so much.

Please know that you are not alone, and this is not about you. It is an illness and it is him that has the problem.

Thinking of you,

Janine