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Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

Alove
Community Member
Hi everyone,I need your advice..or opinion. Ok I’m 32 and gay...I was with my girlfriend (my 4th relationship) for a brief 3 months..but there was so much passion and love in that time.
She was explicit with me when we first starting dating she had depression and anxiety was medicated and saw a psychologist fortnightly.
To me I couldn’t tell...she was perfect! Then an incident happened with her family...basically her half sister never wanted anything to do with her all her life and her dad is an absolute asshole who told her since she could remember she ruined his life.
She has had anxiety since 16 and is now 25. She told me her triggers and how to help which was to hold her and tell her I loved her. But I would trigger her without even knowing and when she had an attack she got quite snappy towards me. I would get mad because she took it out on me and then walk away. Because I was in 3 abusive relationships before so I thought I was there again. Caitlin never hurt me though.
I walked out one night because she had broken up with me 5 times in 3wks but I don’t know how serous she ever was. The night I left she dumped me for good. But I was doing a tonne of research on anxiety and depression and was asking for another chance and she said no she needs to work on herself and not date.
Despite me begging for a week she still is mad at me...but then will text asking me to come over and if I can’t make it straight away she loses it!
She dumped me a week ago...should I give it time? Can people change with mental health issues? I feel terrible for not being supportive enough. What should I do?
30 Replies 30

Alove
Community Member

Wow lee..just wow!

Think you hit the nail on the head. In all my relationships I’ve been the carer,which leaves you drained and lose your identity.

caitlin did take care of me I have to say...but on a scale of it being even...I was always more concerned about her. I suffer from epilepsy and she was always there to hold me after a seizure..being I had mine in my sleep.

all my other exes would roll over tell me I had one,sigh and go back to sleep. But she was really really good. This s why I’m so conflicted. She was also there for me when I had a stroke in June...I’m 32 and it’s somewhat runs in the family.

seeing her in dating apps broke my progress...which was minor might I say. I felt I didn’t want to go on anymore.

she refuses to tell me if she is still in love wiTh me which makes me wonder...does she and she’s fighting it because she’s mad at me,or does she not but dosent want to tell me because then I will just let go.

ive been listening to this gospel preacher TD jakes..I recommend looking him up on YouTube. I don’t go to church or anything but you need to listen to him...he raises some good points.

we did a lot of things she wanted to do to, it for me I didn’t care I was just so happy to be with her I didn’t mind what we did. In saying that she always did what I wanted to do too

look up “let them go”. By td jakes...let me know what you think.

so do you think you are over you ex after that realisation? When did you hear last from him?

LeeA18
Community Member

I don’t think I am over him. I’d go back to him in a split second. But it has gotten to a point where I have to put myself first now and start to heal.

I sent him a text on Tuesday morning as he had a funeral that day. He sent me some messages back about an issue that we went through together and still am. This went on throughout the day. Yesterday I sat back and realised that I can’t make that issue a priority anymore and he needs to put it aside as well. It’s negative and we both aren’t in that headspace to deal with it. He is being very self-destructive about the issue. He went from not caring about it to being so angry about it when this depression flared up. I am going to call him tonight and tell him to stop focusing on it and to focus on the positive changes he has been making.

It isn’t nice being strung along. It’s like they still want you to be around just incase. I don’t get confirmed answers for my questions either. Just like when I asked if he saw us having a relationship in the future. He rambled on about ex’s treating him badly and how he preferred to be single. Never actually said yes or no. Just excuses for being alone.

What kind of support do you have? Are you talking to a friend to help you through this? When was the last time you heard from your girlfriend?

I will have a listen 🙂 thank you!

Alove
Community Member

I know what you mean,I would get back with her in a SPLIT second.

i fell deeply in love with her and still am now. Which is why even with the mixed messages and not confirming if she is still in love with me or not,just makes me lay down and take the uncertainty of it all because all I keep hoping is she will say I want you back,I’m so sorry.

i am even so hopeful of that I brought a light projector with stars in it,so if I ever got the chance to take her on a date I’d set a tent up in the backyard with fairy lights...bring out food to have there

then go inside and listen to john mayer “who you love” and just sorta be in the moment. That’s what I want. But it’s the uncertainty of if she has moved on to somone else, just on the app to make friends (because she dosent have many friends),focussing on herself and deleted the apps.

it is all driving me crazy! The not knowing,there is no real closure or reasoning as to what is going to happen with us.

do you think you guys will ever get back together? How long where you together?

LeeA18
Community Member

That sounds like a beautiful date. Do you have any mutual friends that you can find out how she is going? I know they say not to do it but I think when someone is going through this, there’s an exception.

We were together for just under a year. We were friends before that for a few months. So I know what it’s like to be just friends with him, but also want him. We developed feelings for each other at the same time and it was obvious to those around us. When we were together, His mum made a few comments about me moving in and a couple of times about kids. So I think his family approved of me.

I look back on our texts and there’s glimmers of hope. The way he was with me on the weekend gave me a small amount of hope too. But what he said last week about being friends has thrown me. Then I think he wants friends with benefits. I just don’t know how to read it right now. I was going to call tonight but I might give him some space for a bit longer.

Alove
Community Member

Hey lee

unfortunatly we don’t gave any mutual friends...I would love to know how she is doing but I feel asking myself is just going to be pointless. She won’t even see me face to face or let me call.

But then I get confused by her refusing to answer my question are you still in love with me? I dissect every text wondering what did she mean by that...is she still in love but won’t tell me to try make a point? Is she just stringing me along? There is not a moment in my head where I’m not thinking about her,and it’s driving me crazy.

i just don’t understand why you wouldn’t give me another chance? I didn’t cheat or steal or anything. She was the one hours after I left on bumble apparently looking for friends.

sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and get someone to pull me out when the pain is over. My friends are great at getting me out but they are all married or in relationships which makes you feel bad.

so despite all that he is done you are sill hopeful of another chance? I know I am 😔

LeeA18
Community Member

I know what you mean. I can relate to everything that you have just said. I try and get my mind off it but that doesn’t last for long and I am back to thinking about it again.

With the texts, I read them over and over and think “But what do you mean?” What do you mean by “I am still here for you. I just have to sort my shit out.” Are you implying that we will get back together when you sort whatever it is out? Even my friends read it that way too.

Do you find the weekends the hardest? I wonder what he is doing and who he is with. I know in my heart that he is just focusing on himself and, if he is spending time with anybody, it’s his family. But I just wish it was with me. Even before we were together, he didn’t spend a lot of time going out and meeting friends. He is a bit of a homebody and family orientated so that is a bit reassuring for me. I also know that he doesn’t sleep around. Something he mentioned to me last week on our call.

are you two friends on Facebook?

Alove
Community Member

Hey lee

i do the exact same with text messages as you do,I can’t delete them ,I can’t delete photos off my phone it’s just all too gut wrenching for me.

yea weekends are pretty horrible...I wonder is she dating or what she is doing. I can only hope and pray she is sticking to her “not dating and working on herself “ thing she told me she was going to do.

but then seeing her on the apps I’m like..well are you there to make friends or date? there is no closure for me. I just want to know,are you in love with me and eventually wanna give it another go or are you completely done and moved on.

we are friends on FB but she never use to post stuff anyways. She was the rare sorta girl that was hardly ever on her phone in my company. I was like oh wow this is what attention feels like aha.

my sister said I should just text her and ask but I can’t build up the courage too because I feel il get an answer I don’t want to hear.

honestly lee,my heart aches and yearns for her. I’ve never hurt this bad even at the end of my three 2yr relationships I had before her. I just don’t know what to do.

try downloading this app called mend. It’s a break up app that might help. It’s not really doing much for me now...but the only thing I want to hear is from her

”I’m sorry,I love you ,I don’t want to lose you can we try again. I will work on myself too but I want you back”

LeeA18
Community Member

I yearn for my boyfriend. It’s nice to know that there is someone out there that can relate. The whole situation is just so upsetting when you think you have found “the one”.

I have mutual friends with my ex but I am too scared to ask them to help me out. He opened up to me and a mutual friend last year about his struggles and he knows I’ve been talking to her. He was fine with me doing that. That friend thinks he is making a massive mistake. She also thinks that I should move on cause he always has stuff to sort out and is so up and down. Thinks I deserve better. Also thinks he is an alcoholic, which I don’t disagree with.

My sister thinks he has done the right thing, so he can sort himself out. She thinks he will come back when he has sorted everything out.

I think you have to prepare yourself for an answer you might not want to hear before you text her. Either that or text her and ask if there is a time that you can call her.

It’s nice to hear that she didn’t use her phone in your company. Mine was the opposite. He uses it as his coping tool. Plays games and looks at videos and pictures on Instagram to get his mind thinking. He is always on Instagram.

If your girlfriend is on those apps, if she does meet someone, it’s likely to be a rebound relationship and won’t last long. If you found out that she slept with someone else, would you move on? What is your boundaries?

LeeA18
Community Member

I downloaded the app ‘mend’ this morning. I found myself waking up during the night just thinking of him and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I have never reacted this way over a break up before.

What the app says in the first lesson makes absolute sense. I started to read some of the articles too. I find reading about depression/commitment issues reassuring.

Is it bad that I am considering a Friends with Benefits thing with him? I know it’s a bad idea but I also know that’s all he could offer as it’s without the commitment.

Alove
Community Member

Hey lee,

glad to hear you downloaded the app. Right now I know it should help but it’s like there is a block in my brain that won’t allow anything that applies trying to move on. I’m stuck in a “don’t want to hear the truth if it doesn’t work in my favour “

i want her back,I ache for her.

all my friends say she’s not nice for the way she has treated me , at times I can see their point but it’s like in your mind if she rocked up at my door step apologised for everything and asked to start new...I would. I’m too scared to ask that question...should I move on to her.

i can’t stop her from doing what she wants on those apps but it’s incredibly painful to know she broke up with me to work on herself and not date and she’s on the apps. I should take that as a sign but I just sink lower and lower into the uncertainty of this all.

i would have waited for her if she asked me too. Obviously not forever but I would have waited another month.

i too hve never reacted this way over a breakup.

So in regards to friends with benefits...it’s not for me to judge,I get it you miss him and you want that closeness back,but you could also be exposing yourself to more pain if your still in the “I’m in love with you”mindset and he isn’t. But I totally get what you mean.

I keep thinking god if Caitlin would just meet me in person I’m sure i could turn her round...but she just dosent want to see me ,and won’t say why. But hasn’t said “come collect your clothes and stuff”