Please help,relationship breakup due to girlfriends anxiety/depression

[Alove]

Hi everyone,I need your advice..or opinion. Ok I’m 32 and gay...I was with my girlfriend (my 4th relationship) for a brief 3 months..but there was so much passion and love in that time.
She was explicit with me when we first starting dating she had depression and anxiety was medicated and saw a psychologist fortnightly.
To me I couldn’t tell...she was perfect! Then an incident happened with her family...basically her half sister never wanted anything to do with her all her life and her dad is an absolute asshole who told her since she could remember she ruined his life.
She has had anxiety since 16 and is now 25. She told me her triggers and how to help which was to hold her and tell her I loved her. But I would trigger her without even knowing and when she had an attack she got quite snappy towards me. I would get mad because she took it out on me and then walk away. Because I was in 3 abusive relationships before so I thought I was there again. Caitlin never hurt me though.
I walked out one night because she had broken up with me 5 times in 3wks but I don’t know how serous she ever was. The night I left she dumped me for good. But I was doing a tonne of research on anxiety and depression and was asking for another chance and she said no she needs to work on herself and not date.
Despite me begging for a week she still is mad at me...but then will text asking me to come over and if I can’t make it straight away she loses it!
She dumped me a week ago...should I give it time? Can people change with mental health issues? I feel terrible for not being supportive enough. What should I do?

[james1]

Hello Alove,

Thanks for telling us about what has happened recently. I kind of had an inkling before, but what you've said has really just confirmed for me the push/pull that has been happening to you. It is so tough to deal with and I am not surprised at all that you are feeling so horrible at the moment.

Please don't feel like you need to message if you do not want to. But equally, I am here to listen to whatever you have to say. I have one friend who I am soo grateful to because, even though she was a mutual friend of me and my ex, she was there to listen to literally everything I had to say. Good or bad. And she never ever judged me.

So I just wanted to let you know that I'm here.

James

[Alove]

Thank you so much James,you make me feel like I’m not so alone in this. Although I have amazing amazing friends to get a fresh perspective is always good. And let me know if I ever ask something too personal.

so did you push/pull your ex? Is this behaviour normal for somone with anxiety?

[LeeA18]

Alove! I know where you are coming from. My boyfriend broke up with me. He was wonderful in the relationship though but he just can’t be in one when his headspace is bad. He doesn’t want to ever be in one. He has to work on himself and all of his issues and that might take a very long time, if ever. I am upset that he can’t see that I am different to his ex’s.

Sometimes they let us free. We have to walk away to allow them to better themselves. It’s hard. Hardest thing I have been through. It’s all so new to me as well. I cry a lot. I am conflicted. I know it’s the depression but it also makes absolute sense now. The mixed messages we get makes us feel confused. They are confused too. I think the best thing is to move on. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

[Alove]

Hey lee!

in so sorry you are going through the same thing as me...it just bloody sucks!

we where together for 3 months but it was so much more deeper than any of my past 2yr relationships which was why I was like...oh she’s the one...she takes care of me which I never had.

now I feel I’ve lost her for good...I can’t help but replay that night where I think “you fool she asked you not to leave and you did to cool off...and now that’s ruined our relationship and caused it to be over.”

i know she has to work on herself but I constantly get worried I’ve sent her into the arms of somone else. I mean she seems to REALLY hate me so I’m just all over the place.

how long where you together?

[LeeA18]

We were together for almost a year and were friends for a few months before that. 2 months, 2 years, 2 decades...it can be hard. I understand what you mean by it being intense. Mine was the same. I was worried that he went to someone else as well. It’s natural to think like that in these situations too. Be gentle on yourself. All these emotions are normal. I get anxiety and think obsessively over things.

I actually saw my ex today. We had a nice couple of hours together just chatting. I got mixed messages again as the goodbye wasn’t what friends do at all. It was quite intimate. So I think he still wants to be together but just knows he can’t be when he is in this headspace. But, this also means that I’ve got to focus on myself at the moment. I have to just see it as a beautiful goodbye otherwise I will get my hopes up.

I suggest, as hard as it will be, cry as much as you want, vent as much as you want. Give yourself time. There is no time limit when it comes to healing from a break up. Eventually you will be happy again. Go and try new things, enjoy life. In both of our situations, if our ex’s get better, because they clearly need to work on themselves, you never know what can happen. You also need to think whether this is something you could live with as depression/anxiety can be lifelong. It’s really hard when they are unwell and they’ll break up with you, push you away, bring you back, and repeat.

[Alove]

It’s so true!

no matter how long or brief the relationship is the impact on the heart can be damaging.

its nice you saw your ex,mine...I don’t even know if she would ever want to msg me again let alone see her face to face.

the begging I know is probably a turn off but I just felt like after talking to people,research and videos that I might be better equipt to support her but now all I think about is....is she with somone else? Is she staying true to herself and what her psychologist had agreed on to stay single?

is she missing me? Because I feel I’m going crazy. I haven’t texted her because I heard it just makes things worse. But this pain is driving me crazy!

so how long between the break up has it been since you saw each other just recently?

how did you use to cope with his anxiety? How would he treat you in an attack?

[LeeA18]

She would be missing you but sometimes they just don’t have the energy to text or make contact. She’ll come back when she is ready. I don’t think you will want her to come back any sooner as it sounds like she really needs to work on herself before she can commit in a relationship.

my ex opened up to me more about his anxiety when we were just friends. He would talk it through and I would listen. It was never about me. He got stressed easily and can’t handle situations so it was always about someone or something else. During our relationship I never saw it. I genuinely think he was extremely happy in our relationship. I never saw any signs of his most current anxiety/depression episode until a couple of weeks before we broke up. He told me that his mind was starting to play up. He tried to talk with me so he could get through it but it just spiralled. He pushed me away. He had warned me that he withdraws. It was hard not to take it personally, as I am the one he always opened up to.

It was a month before I saw him again. He FaceTimed me a few times. I was the one that made the most contact. I just felt like I should check in on him every few days just to make sure he was ok and that he knew I still cared and loved him. I felt like I was begging him too. I started seeing a psych. Best thing I did. She told me to just do 1 thing a week for him so he knew I was still there. So I do 2 things (haha) for him and send him a text/funny pic. He sometimes responds and sometimes doesn’t. Now that I have seen him recently, I probably won’t see him for a bit again.

Does your partner do anything that calms her mind? Mine plays computer games, colours in, watched movies, fixes things, just to try and stop the thoughts. Personally I use reading and find a word to help me.

[Alove]

Hey lee sorry for the late reply.

she had messaged me on Sunday apologising for the horrible things she had said to me via text a few weeks ago.

she said because I failed to be waiting at her house at her time of need I have blown all my chances to get her back.

her dad had a heart attack scare,I said I would leave work and drive to the hospital but she said she had to go to work.

later that night she had asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone. I said sure just wrapping up dinner with my friends and il be over.

then she said maybe it wasn’t a good idea I come over,then...wanted me over NOW! I couldn’t just get there straight away and then I copped a massive amount of horrible messages.

yet I still begged and begged for her to still let me come over and she kept saying no.

i have begged for the last 3wks for her to give me a chance and she has said no...but randomly apologised on Sunday. She isn’t suppose to be dating which is what she agreed with her psychologist...but then...I see her on a dating app.

I am crushed,I am devistated and she won’t even give me a chance to prove to her I have grown,become more educated on anxiety and feel I can support her better.

i feel I will never be able to meet her standards...and I’m just all over the place...I can’t stop cryinf

[LeeA18]

Hi Alove

how devastating for you. I went to my psych yesterday and she was extremely helpful. Maybe you need to go and speak to one as well. Also venting on here will help.

i just had a realisation of how selfish some people can be. We are wanting to make sure that they are happy but we forget the most important person, us. We need to be happy too. We need to be selfish and put ourselves first. If we keep going the way we are, they will be fine but we won’t be. I only realised overnight how we always did what my ex wanted to do. I met his family when he wanted me to, not when I was ready.

Sit down and write a list of qualities you want in a partner. What you truly want, not the qualities she has. Then look over it. How many of these does she currently have?

My ex was so wonderful to me in the relationship, which is one of the reasons why I am holding on. But as my psych said, I was probably acting the same to him too. Then she said to me, but he isn’t being wonderful towards you now. In fact, he doesn’t care right now. He has attachment and attraction but he isn’t showing love. This was a wake up call.

I think you deserve better. Even if the psych tells her she shouldn’t be dating, there’s going to be days where she will think that she’s all better and can do it.

[LeeA18]

How are you going Alove?