Partner with depression (ruining perfect relationship)

[Speakforchange]

I have been with my partner for a year, and although all relationships have their ups and downs I can honestly say we have had the greatest year, with love, laughter, great holidays, understanding and support and open communication about everything.

I knew my partner used to speak to someone a few years ago but that is all I knew, I also have gotten professional help once for some life direction at a time where I was a little lost but I was never clinically depressed or anxious. I assumed he meant the same thing. I found out that he was on medication and only came off it 1.5 years ago and was diagnosed mild to moderate depression/anxiety. I was surprised that he had not told me this sooner, the reason I found out was because I had moved into his place and we decided to live together as we basically were already, the only thing that changed was me paying rent and the title of me 'living' there.

One night he would not have sex with me, came home and had taken some drugs which he never does, maybe one since I have known him, plus some other strange behaviours that week.This was upsetting for me, he said something had changed and he felt like the dynamic had changed and he didn't know why or what and of course it upset me, i had not changed, nothing had changed. I initially thought it was me and he just didn't love me anymore but after speaking to friends and putting the pieces together I realised it was his mental health that was struggling which was the reason for his low libido and disconnection. I moved out for a week, gave him space, looked after him, offered him support in anyway he wanted it. I literally have done and read absolutely everything I am even going to a psychologist for myself to talk it out and get supportive coping strategies, but I know at the end of the day if he does not want to get help than I cannot do anything, I ended up moving out which shocked him and killed me.... he has started making slow steps, he has a lot of past hurt that he has never fully dealt with from family issues to never having anyone to support him... the fact we have discussed a future I think that scares him because he thinks it will all go wrong and that he will have to face more family break up and pick up the pieces.. He's struggling to let go and move forward, he says he doesnt want to lose me. I am not sure what else to do??? Not sure how long I can hold on.

[LeeA18]

Just a little update.

I don’t know if it’s the weather or what but my anxiety was a bit bad today.

My ex has retreated further. I updated my new job and workplace on LinkedIn over the last week and my ex removed our connection. He never posts on there and I like stuff a couple of times a month so I find it strange. The last place I can think of online where he can either block or unfriend me. i find it a little upsetting. I would have wanted a friendship with him but that’s clearly not something he feels he can do at the moment.

I have come to realise that all these actions are all him and where he is at. He can’t seem to face anything that involves me. I know he can’t handle situations when he is anxious, so perhaps the guilt of his actions towards me during the break up gets too much for him. It just surprises me that he feels he needs to distance himself so far away from me. I would do anything to help him, and I have in the past. I am disappointed that he could have discarded me so easily.

I just have to hope that he is getting the help that he needs. I know it will take a while for him to get better so I have to move on. Others have said that he might come back when he is better but I might contact him in a few months time to see how he is going and see if he is up for a friendship with me.

[LeeA18]

I am full of guilt and feeling anxious today.

i went back onto messenger and was reading through our messages. I had forgotten so much about his mental health. I forgot that he had been admitted into hospital twice. He was in a really bad way. He also had a relationship when he wasn’t well and she didn’t understand and ended up cheating on him. To me, it all seems to make a little bit more sense.

Unfortunately i think he might think that I didn’t understand in the end after I asked him about the text and pictures I saw. I think I stuffed up. Not in regards to the relationship, that was all him. He made the decision to end it even though I always understood him. I really stuffed up having any kind of friendship with him. I am feeling a bit upset today.

[LeeA18]

I am back.
A couple of weeks ago I found out that my ex’s dog had passed away. She lived with me for 6 months last year and I had quite a bond with her. I treated her like my own. I was upset to hear and worried about how my ex would handle it as he truly loved the dog. She was a good companion to him and helped him a lot with his depression/anxiety/PTSD. I was a bit disappointed that he didn’t tell me himself.

I sent him my condolences and I had a feeling that my phone number had been blocked (went from blue to green on iphone). I sent the same message via Facebook messenger (previously blocked on facebook) a couple of days later and he called me about an hour later (don’t know if he saw the message or it was a coincidence). I missed the call as my phone was on silent. I tried to call him back half an hour later but it went straight to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. The next morning, I sent him another message just to let him know that I missed his call as my phone was on silent and to feel free to call or text me. The message went from blue to green again. Definitely blocked. I was able to send him a ‘Happy Birthday’ message a couple of months ago and so it was after that he blocked me (didn’t say thanks or anything, just blocked). I waited a week and on Saturday I sent a message via facebook again and an email telling him that I had missed his call and that I had been trying to get in contact with him and that he can call me later or text any time and then I made a light joke about how I was starting to feel like a stalker. No response.
I just want to know what happened. Him calling me and then a week later still nothing from him is just playing on my mind. Why call me but keep me blocked. All the other ways I have been contacting him, I don’t know if he is seeing my messages. It’s cruel. Then I think that he might be thinking that I am ignoring him if he hasn’t seen my messages. I think I need to just let it go now but it just feels like he is playing some kind of game. I can understand that blocking me is his way of handling things but at least, if you are going to call someone, take the person off your block list for a couple of days. I was going really well with moving on and then all the blocking and not returning any of my messages etc is just really making me anxious and opening old wounds again. I did nothing to warrant any of the behaviour towards me. If anything, I was too nice to him when he broke my heart.

[Puppies]

Sorry to hear what’s been happening.

It sounds like it’s very confusing for you.

i don’t understand why he’d call you and not return the call once you’d responded via message. It’s confusing, but maybe he’s realised he’s made a mistake?

It’s unfortunate that you’d moved on and then he comes jumping back into your life.

If he asked you back would you say yes?

puppies

[LeeA18]

It’s baffled a few people as to why he didn’t call back. That’s what “normal” people would do. They probably would also take that person off block so that the person can call them back. If he realised he made a mistake, he should have just sent me a quick text. I am blocked anyway, so it’s not like he’d get my response. It’s just a shame, the message I sent was really nice so there’s no need for him to react in a bad way towards me. Just like his birthday message. It’s very strange behaviour.

i would say no now if he came back. Maybe a friendship but I wouldn’t trust a relationship with him again. I’d be too on edge. His strange behaviour is enough to put me off now.

[LeeA18]

Don’t know if you recall in my story that I had seen my partner at the time texting another woman. Wellll I decided to look her up on Instagram and she has blocked me! She shouldn’t even know who I am and my ex blocked me in September. I am not too sure how long ago it was that she did that. I’d say this year. I have literally done nothing. Not a thing. If anything, his behaviour made me literally go crazy. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire hey. I don’t get any of this behaviour towards me. Soooo I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again.

[Puppies]

Hi LeeA18,

Perhaps he called you for whatever reason and then when you didn’t answer he second guessed himself. Perhaps he has anxiety that you don’t know about, which makes this situation difficult for him.

I think I sort of remember that you’d mentioned he spoke to another girl, but I’m not 100% sure.

Perhaps the best thing for you is for him to stop contacting you. Take initiative and block/ignore his messages. It’ll make it easier for you to move on if there’s no contact, especially if you don’t expect to hear from him.

[LeeA18]

Funnily enough he messaged me the other day and apologised for his behaviour. He has come off his meds and is wanting to maintain that. I responded and then deleted the message thread. That was enough for me to just move on again 🙂

[Puppies]

I’m glad that that happened - sometimes all we need is closure.

Hopefully he refrains from contacting you again so you’re able to move on

i hope it goes well!

[LeeA18]

He said that he can’t explain his behaviour. If he can’t explain it than I don’t know how I am suppose to understand it so easier to let it be. His last sentence was just that he had come off his meds and he is trying hard to maintain that. It was a bit odd. Anyway, not my problem now.