Open Marriage

[Lijay]

Earlier this year my husband of 34 years confessed to cheating with prostitutes over the last 15 years of our marriage. He is in swingers groups and told me he wanted an open marriage. I’ve been having individual counselling, which has helped and we had some couples counselling that was not very good. He was remorseful to a point and wants to stay married but does not think he can give up his other life. I don’t want an open marriage, or to swing, or to have threesomes. I never have and never will. It took many months for him to finally confess the bulk of what he’s been doing and I’m sure I don’t know all of it.  I am doing everything I can to remain civil for then sake of our sons but I am so shocked and hurt. Some days the pain is unbearable. He moved out a few months ago because I could no longer live with the lies and gaslighting while he tried to convince me that an open marriage would be good for both of us. How could I have missed all of this and how could I have so misjudged the man I have been with for so long?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm so sorry to read this. It is indeed a difficult time of your life.

Four things would hurt more than anything. Breach of trust, 34 years of devotion, your two sons and now gaslighting or expectations of demands of you to adopt his lifestyle.

So, I hope I can assist you with some of those feelings.

The good news that I read here is that he has moved out. That eliminates the tension and difficulties associated with living together. 

Some people, opt for sexual relations outside the marriage for whatever reason. That is their choice they made rather than seek couples counselling at the time. You have no reason to ever feel guilty over such decisions he made.

Married couples unite based on their love and common ground. The fact that he made the decision to breach trust is not your fault. 

To introduce his lifestyle of open marriage including swingers etc and want you to breach your own standards of monogamy is a bit baffling to me. As a male married 12 years and 3 long term prior relationships I would never consider such a lifestyle but more- never expect my wife to change either. He obviously either didnt care for your standards or felt the risk to ask you was worth it. Seems there is lack of respect there.

I'm of the view that you can limit contact with him to a level that is more comfortable for you to manage. You have no obligation to be close to his emotionally etc for your sons sake, your sons will adapt as they are resilient. 

Furthermore the secret to overcoming your pain is seeking a better life. What that entails is up to you but distracting yourself from him and the pain that he has caused is important. Think hard about your interests, hobbies, sports and pursue them and the friendships that come along with them.

YOUR TIME NOW

Marriage is special a great day of life

place all your eggs in one basket and sacrifice 

thats ok as you instil trust for futures sake

and you work towards all the dreams you make

But not every marriage works , end of the matter

Toddlers cries and floors of pitter patter

To close the door is not so easy to do

Maybe its time... you think of you

There's the beauty of life that you can teach

There's wind in the hair at the nearest beach

And your boys can still care and love both of you 

It's your time now and your lifestyle too....

TonyWK

[Lijay]

Thank you for responding Tony.  Everything you have said is so true. Thank you for putting it into perspective for me