FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Innocent or not

Upset-sometimes
Community Member

We have been together for just over 9 years. He started staying over at work for an hour to have a cigarette with the cleaner who needed some support as no one was talking to her. He told me all about what was happening but as time went on I started to get upset. I tried to talk about it but he always brushed me off with, 'she is a lovely woman' I became more and more upset and he knew why but he didn't stop. Over 3 months went by and his manager noticed and told him that I wouldn't be happy if I knew what was happening. He told me all this....it gave me the courage to tell his straight how upset I was....very angrily. He told her immediately that he was coming home on time from now on and never stayed back again. He told me that there was never anything romantic in his mind. It is now 18 months later and I'm still angry and upset

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

Ok, so if we consider the two extremes. One is that he was purely helping a lady that was trying to sort out her life. The other extreme was that he had a romantic attraction/feelings. 

 

The first one is acceptable until you show concern and maybe a little suspicion. When that happens he should have respected your feelings and discontinued staying back. The second extreme is very much a possibility and is unacceptable but unless there is proof you'd need to stick with the earlier intent. 

 

What is lacking here is respect for you with him continuing his routine. The residual anger you have might require couples counselling in order to ensure he doesnt take that avenue again and secondly that he realises the gravity of his actions.

 

Trust is so important in any relationship. When that trust is breached it becomes serious because it is very hard to get it back. I do think however that you have some good chance your anger will subside because he has told you everything, all the details it seems even his bosses comments, so he may have been naïve and kind. Even so you need a process whereby you can throw all those rocks in the river to restore your faith and counsellors are experts in that field.

 

I hope you are ok

 

TonyWK