Attached to toxic family

[Owlingo]

Recently I got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, as well as agoraphobia. 

I've lived with a really toxic and dysfunctional family. My parents were abusive when I was younger and emotionally abusive during most of my teen years. My parents fight every. Single. Day. Mostly about money. Which caused me financial truama and anxiety. 

Now I am 18. They don't come at me anymore (maybe because they can see I am dealing with things), but my siblings have always gotten more shit from them then I have ever.

My parents always saw me as sensitive and weak. I've been told countless times by my siblings that my parents always listen to me whenever I need something. I noticed that as well and use that as an advantage to help my siblings. But I've always felt like my parents hated me and are annoyed by my presence. 

I want to move out. But I don't know how long until I feel like I can. I am struggling to anything on my own. I feel like they made me so dependent on them, that I can't do anything. I'm trying to learn skills from scratch for future me to live on my own. 

I have no intrest in getting married, but my parents said I can only leave the house if I'm married. But I want to live alone and have my own life. So, when I leave, they will probably never talk to me again. Which terrifies me. Because I don't want to lose them, I just want to give myself a healthy environment and to do that I need to distance myself. 

I know my siblings wound stay in constant because they understand.

Im so mad at myself for struggling and being so weak. Why don't I have any skills or strength? 

I wish there was a place I could stay and have help whenever I need. But I would make sure that I only use it if I need it. A place I can learn independence while having anxiety and depression. 

I don't even know if I'll ever be able to secure myself financially because I can't handle working 8 hours a day. How am I going to live alone if I don't have money? 

This is so stressful and exhausting. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome, I will assume you are female.

There is a few issues there that will be adding to your stress. eg

• "I have no interest in getting married, but my parents said I can only leave the house if I'm married.". That is a very old fashioned approach of theirs but it is what it is and maybe they fear for your welfare if venturing out on their own. I would assume that if the household was much more stable eg less arguing, you wouldnt mind staying there, so perhaps its time you expressed that you want to move out for a variety of reasons and one is their daily arguments?
• "Im so mad at myself for struggling and being so weak. Why don't I have any skills or strength? " We are all the subject of our heritage and environment. It is certainly not your fault that you lack acknowledging some things that you believe you missed. Be kind to yourself. Being sensitive is not abnormal. Google HSP- highly sensitive person, up to 20% of people are. Dont you think that everyone including yourself should accept you for being sensitive? There is no sensitivity cereal on supermarket shelves!
•  "I feel like they made me so dependent on them"  Yes, its called LOVE. It's what parent do, care and protect. There is 18 year old that can move out and be fine and others that aren't ready.
• You need to be independent financially before moving out and yet you find difficulty working 8 hours a day. This limit of working hours, under 8 per day wont provide you with enough income. 
• Is there a large garage at your place you could renovate into a room? Could your parents buy a small caravan so you could stay in, in the back yard? Do you have relatives you could stay with. I ask this because those options would save your family.

I also think one to two year time things might change with them accepting moving out easier and not disowning you.

Reply anytime

TonyWK