I constantly screw up my friendships and I don’t know what to do

[Anonymous__01]

Not sure if correct category as it pertains to a friendship. Basically me and a coworker of mine really hit it off, the banter was fun, bounce off each other really well, etc despite our age gap(I’m 22 and she’s 17) and it led to me questioning if I have feelings for her or not which made me feel so torn up inside but I genuinely liked her as a person and spending time with her so I asked to hang out. On the day we meet, everything’s going well but towards the end of the night I essentially unexpectedly break down and trauma dump on her as well as blurt out that I feel so selfish because of my uncertain feelings for her. We were parked outside a McDonald’s at this point, she said she needed to go to the toilet and reassured me she’d be back which I knew wasn’t the case as she took an Uber back home, she apologised on message shortly after and said it was because she felt neither of us were in the right mindset, we had a very brief call where she said we’re good and that she’s open to hanging out still but today at work she just felt very distant in her tone and body language and didn’t happily approach me like usual which is now sending me into panic mode admittedly to the point where I tried to call her multiple times today and have messaged her quite a bit. I just hate myself so much for ruining what was a fun and wholesome friendship and I constantly have done this in the past(Sabotage my friendships in some way shape or form), it’s like I’m caught in a loop I’m self-aware of and can’t break out of it. 

[therising]

Hi Anonymous_01

I feel for you so much as you experience so much stress and self chastisement under the circumstances. I think sometimes it can be so easy to open up to people. It's like if you're looking for some kind of soulful connection with someone and you find someone who just gives off soulful vibes it can become a mixed emotion experience, with emotions such as relief (having finally connected with such a person), excitement, enthusiasm, a sense of freedom to be yourself and even a sense of encouragement. There can be some part of us that can come to life encouraging us to 'Just be honest. Be yourself'.

Being a soulful kinda gal myself or what some may call 'one of those woo woo people', I've learned the hard way (through criticism and degradation) the challenge of gradually revealing myself to people. While excited, I try not to get too excited when I make a connection with someone who also holds soulful elements and beliefs that I can relate to. It can be such a brutal lesson at times, learning to gradually reveal our self, bit by bit over time.

Your friend sounds very thoughtful and considerate as she tries to make sense of the best way forward. It's understandable as to why you'd be attracted to such a person. While she's in the process of making sense of the best way forward, perhaps you could help her make greater sense of it. Maybe something along the lines of the following might help. 'I have a habit of revealing too much when I make a great connection with someone. When someone leads me to feel free to be myself, I can be too much of myself at times. Do you find people say you tend to bring out the best in them or that you lead them to feel at ease?'. With this approach you're stating a part of what's she's struggling with (you having revealed too much) while also stating why you said what you did, based on her easygoing nature. Perhaps adding your acknowledgement of the need for boundaries may help. Maybe along the lines of 'I'm putting boundaries in place so you don't have to feel uncomfortable and so I don't overstep'. Or a whole different approach could be 'Let's pretend that didn't happen and let's start again, from scratch'. 

I think sometimes it can be so easy to vent to someone who leads us to feel so at ease. There aren't a lot of those kinds of people out there, so when we find one we sometimes tend to make the most of it. Try not to beat yourself up too much as you struggle with having made the most of it.