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BeyondBlue Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
  • replies: 0

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a ... View more

Hello and welcome This is the Relationships and Family section where members can talk about what is happening in their lives and the people they live with. We know that who we live with can make a big impact on our wellbeing, both in a good way or a negative way. As always, we want to hear your story and how it impacts you and encourage everyone to support each other with kindness. There are a few things to consider when posting in this section so we can all get the most out of it: Everyone’s situation is unique. We all do our best to share what is important in our story but we can never share it all. Let’s be mindful we can’t know all of everyone’s story. Anonymous but public. These posts are available to everyone and while the moderation team will keep it anonymous, its still up for everyone to read. Have a think about what you want to share to get the best support for you. Please stay safe. This space is an amazing way to seek support from others who might understand what you are going through. We want to hear how you are going and what is happening for you. Please also consider 1800RESPECT if you don’t feel safe or 000 if you are in danger right now. You deserve to be safe. Thank you again for joining this conversation, your contributions are worthy and important to us here. Beyond Blue

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PKSYD Break up with an alcoholic partner
  • replies: 5

I have been with my partner for 8 years. Hes an alcoholic and becomes very abusive verbally when he is drunk towards me and my mother. In front of others he disrespects and most recently at his gathering in front of others he told all my friends that... View more

I have been with my partner for 8 years. Hes an alcoholic and becomes very abusive verbally when he is drunk towards me and my mother. In front of others he disrespects and most recently at his gathering in front of others he told all my friends that i dont sleep with him anymore and that i dont love him anymore. Its the love that i have had for him that has kept him in my house and not on the street. Its the sorrow i have and feel every time for him but not me. Everytime i am going to break up he tells me hes going to change and makes me feel sorry for him. In the beginning of the relationship i found out he cheated on me multiple times yet i took him back. Why? I dont know. Its like i have given given given and lost all for myself. Now this time i found him a place to make sure hes okay and am going to pay for him to live there yet now he says he will change and doesnt want to be away from me and that he loves me more than anything in this world. Last 3 years i have disconnected from him emotionally, mentally and spiritually and physically, yet he accuses me of having someone else but he doesnt see that i dont want to be near him when hes so drunk nearly every night. i wanted to put more details but im limited due to the characters.

white knight Conflict by comparisons
  • replies: 2

A friend of mine has a family trait but luckily for him he didnt inherit it as he left home young whereas his siblings remained within the toxicity. Whenever my friend has a disagreement with a family member its often relationship threatening, rarely... View more

A friend of mine has a family trait but luckily for him he didnt inherit it as he left home young whereas his siblings remained within the toxicity. Whenever my friend has a disagreement with a family member its often relationship threatening, rarely is there a casual divide of opinions. But worse than that is, whenever he puts forward his views on a topic directly, out come the comparisons and such "weighing scale" mentality results in forever not having hope of a stable relationship. Eg He forgot a BBQ event at his sisters place, due mainly that he had in-law issues, cancer, dementia etc. His sister- "I've never forgotten your BBQ's". He couldnt make it to a niece's basketball game. "(3 hours away and he'd already drove 500km that day for work) - "I attended your daughters engagement and I worked 2 jobs at the time" she'd say. Another- He visited his sister in hospital when she had pneumonia and while there he commented "I remember I never talked about my illnesses" All these reactions are unfair because they hold a high degree of expectation. What's more they are his siblings expectations based on her values, her actions, her mind. Essentially she goes through life in a manner (with people) that if they do not carry out her values and actions then they are wrong and likely a conflict will follow. My message here is- with people that compare what they would do to your actions is a state of mind whereby- conflict will occur more oftenAcceptance of others as individuals is limitedThe weighing scale mentality is "turmoil for gamble"that it passes guilt onto others often when it is human errorcan be a type of controlcan be felt as emotional blackmailSadly the consequences can be high. My friend has considered breaking off all contact with his sister after decades of trying to live up to her demands. There is no stability and he can never do "right". This is an example of unfair expectations based on the persons own ways they live their lives. If we all had the same values and never had human error we'd be clones. A sound long term relationship has elements of such acceptance, letting small things slide, promote caring and embracing personality. TonyWK

samseldom Living with a depressed person
  • replies: 1

I need someone who can relate.I am in a VERY turbulent 16year relationship which both myself and my partner have depression issues. I am a cold and emotionally distant person ,i wish it were not so.My partner is generally a warm passionate person who... View more

I need someone who can relate.I am in a VERY turbulent 16year relationship which both myself and my partner have depression issues. I am a cold and emotionally distant person ,i wish it were not so.My partner is generally a warm passionate person who makes friends easy but can also be very dominant. He is articulate, worldly and from a successful family. However he is depressed, and very angry. He is waiting on second open heart surgery after his first very traumatic one 5years ago.I dont know how to deal with his anger. Has anyone had to deal with something like this?

Nervybella Tricky relationship with mother
  • replies: 1

Feeling at my wits end today. I really don’t know where to go from here. I have a very close relationship with my mother but we have always bickered a bit. More so recently these have become full blown fights and I am just about at my wits end. For c... View more

Feeling at my wits end today. I really don’t know where to go from here. I have a very close relationship with my mother but we have always bickered a bit. More so recently these have become full blown fights and I am just about at my wits end. For context, below are some of the things she does - multiple calls and texts a day even when I’ve asked her to do less- gets upset with me when I say I don’t have anything to report after already talking to her throughout the day- will text me and if I don’t reply quick enough she will call me - invites herself over even when I’ve told her I have plans all of these things make me feel stifled and it’s way too much for me. I really want her to get professional help. Obviously I can’t diagnose her but I think she has some kind of condition. She’s impulsive, anxious, has poor time management and poor financial literacy. Low self esteem. Mood swings. The list goes on. She can be volatile to you one moment and the most loving and caring the next. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve said and asked repeatedly to please respect my boundaries and what I’m asking of you. Then she gets upset and defensive and makes me feel like an awful person for saying these things and how it makes me feel has anyone been in a similar space and gotten through it? I don’t want to have to cut her off or have major damage done to our relationship because I love her and we are close but I don’t know how much more I can handle -Bella

Wren2 Husband always angry, never happy and becomes quite horrible to our sons
  • replies: 1

Hi , first time poster here so excuse long post. I could go on forever this behaviour has happened on and off our whole relationship. I thought I knew better I’ve been married once before and he was very controlling and emotionally abusive but it see... View more

Hi , first time poster here so excuse long post. I could go on forever this behaviour has happened on and off our whole relationship. I thought I knew better I’ve been married once before and he was very controlling and emotionally abusive but it seems I ended up in a similar situation. Long story short we have been together for 19 years , we did separate once but I gave him another chance and didn’t want to be that on again off again couple. But lately I feel like I’m at my limit. He’s always angry at the world, he never takes responsibility for his mistakes, if I say something hd just yells , he’s horrible to our boys I feel like I’m always on edge just micro managing situations to try and stop him from going off. If I try and talk to him he just says “I’ve fn had enough , I’ll just leave” and makes me feel bad I try and say that’s not what I’m saying that I’m asking what’s going on with him and he always threatens to leave. He has lost two jobs in the last 12 months because of his attitude but it’s always someone else’s fault, but the only common denominator I see is him. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not enough, he’s never happy and says he never will be, jokes about dying, he refuses to get help says it’s just the way he is and if I don’t like it then he will go. Through our relationship it’s always been like this highs and lows when he’s good he’s caring fun when he’s low he’s mean and cold, the lows are getting more often I’ve tried to help but he don’t take it and I just don’t want to live the rest of my life having to feel like this and always worrying if he’s going to blow up at me or our sons or anyone that just says the wrong thing when he’s in one of his moods. I just really needs to say some of this stuff outside. I feel stuck, I know I’m not but it feels that way. Thanks for reading

Stevolica27 Christmas and the in-laws stress, or do I just need to chill out?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I feel silly for askin' but I don't know where to get perspective from. In short, every year, my partner's family go away (a few hours away) to their holiday home. It's a nice place to go and my partner's family are great! But it's just ... View more

Hi everyone, I feel silly for askin' but I don't know where to get perspective from. In short, every year, my partner's family go away (a few hours away) to their holiday home. It's a nice place to go and my partner's family are great! But it's just too much (for me). They go away for the week and expect all of their adult children (and their partners, and friends, and whoever else) to go there and hang out. It's of course, totally fine for people to come and go, and everyone is very welcome. The issue I have is, I'm happy to go out there for Christmas Day each year and/or stay a couple of nights but much more than that is not a very nice time for me. My partner tends to get swept up with whatever's going on (constantly) leaving me with not much opportunity to plan my own things, or how to spend time. Anyway, last year, my partner kindly suggested that we go for a couple of nights then we go and do other things during the week either back from home, or else some time in other places in the region and have our own holiday. After nearly 10 years I was relieved last year to do this. But, my partner JUST said yesterday that, that was a big 'compromise' for them last year and this year I should 'compromise' and go to their family thing for the whole week. I thought finally last year we'd struck a balance. It actually makes me very anxious and well beyond unexcited to be committing to this week 3 hours away. It's a nice place to go but there's really not much going on and they don't really organise any outings etc. (and I can't just 'do my own thing') - all just making feel a little bored at best, held hostage at worst Any thoughts, criticisms, suggestions or advice welcome please. I can't resolve this inside my own head Thank you!

Ngapala1042 Unable to move forward
  • replies: 3

My daughter in law finds fault with everything I do. They have a son who is 20 months and I. January last year I posted a picture of him sitting in his paddle pond on my Facebook page because it was a really hot day and it was a cute photo. I never e... View more

My daughter in law finds fault with everything I do. They have a son who is 20 months and I. January last year I posted a picture of him sitting in his paddle pond on my Facebook page because it was a really hot day and it was a cute photo. I never even thought she would be offended. she was and instructed me to remove it straight away, which I did.I apologized and told her I posted it without thinking.she then read the riot act to me about not respecting her boundaries and that when her son came home from work they wanted to have a discussion with me, so thst I understood their boundaries and would respect them. I was staying at their house, so it was very uncomfortable and I felt traumatised! I would never do anything to upset her intentionally.anyhow, my son came home from work and was clearly stressed by the situation. I apologised sgsin but she said my apology wasn’t enough and that I had to agree to their boundaries. I suffer from anxiety and with her walking up and down the passage, to speak to me every five minutes, I lost my cool and decided to leave. she said. “0h it my fault now is it. I said. No it isn’t, it’s obviously my fault, I can’t stick to the rules, so I am going to leave to remove myself from the situation.she was furious and sent me a barrage of text messsges saying how my Don was heartbroken and that all I cared about was myself and I wouldn’t take responsibility or ownership of my actions. I am heartbroken, as she hasn’t spoken to me for months. I honestly feel like I am the worst person in the world. I don’t deal with conflict very well and I just try to escape it. thst is on me, I shouldn’t have left but I was panicking and didn’t want to go down the road of being told off again.I honestly feel like taking my own life , as she has told other members of the family whst happened and how I wil not own up to my responsibilities of doing the wrong thing. I just don’t know what to do.

Sad_childhood Memories of Mum Taking Me to Cheat on my Dad
  • replies: 4

Hi All,When I was around 10 years old, I have a strong memory of my mum taking me and my brother to another mans house. She told me to take care of my brother in this guys lounge room, while she went into another room with him.I later found out that ... View more

Hi All,When I was around 10 years old, I have a strong memory of my mum taking me and my brother to another mans house. She told me to take care of my brother in this guys lounge room, while she went into another room with him.I later found out that my mum was cheating on my Dad with him.My aunty asked what we did on the weekend and I told her the truth but it was innocently. I had no idea what my mum did at the time.From then on, mum blamed me for destroying the family and we have had an extremely strained relationship. She is also a narcissist and completely broke down when I came out as lesbian when 14. My mum, stepmum and stepdad (different man again) both destroyed my self-confidence, self-worth and any type of happiness I had.I had no childhood because they were all caught up in their own lives.I have anxiety, depression and maybe some PTSD and ADHD.How do I deal with this ? Seeing a psychologist every 2 months (due to availability) is pointless to me because I have so much to work through.Please help, I want to feel confident and happy for once in my life.

Emma9 I can’t stop cheating and lying.
  • replies: 2

I am 33F and my partner 35M have been in a relationship for well over 14 years. We have a child together. I’ve had issues with online cheating for almost the entirety of our relationship. It began a number of years in, I connected with a person onlin... View more

I am 33F and my partner 35M have been in a relationship for well over 14 years. We have a child together. I’ve had issues with online cheating for almost the entirety of our relationship. It began a number of years in, I connected with a person online as I was going through some mental olympics that I definitely should’ve looked into. We were living under stressful conditions and instead of being mature enough to talk it through, I used this as my escape. My partner found out but he forgave me and let me back in. We moved in together and things were rocky between us from time to time. My partner was working long hours and I found myself alone for long periods of time. I was simply selfish at this point because a few years in I found another person to cheat with online. These online relationships never got to a physical point. I was emotionally investing myself and had nothing left for my partner. My partner yet again found out the hard way and we almost didn’t make it through. But he’s such a loving and caring person that he forgave me yet again. We’ve since moved house a second time and a few years in, I cheated once more. We both have jobs, we were actually making things work 90% of the time and going on holidays for once which was something we couldn’t afford until now. Life wasn’t so bad but for whatever reason, without a care in this world, I repeated this behaviour. This time it all felt very resentful. We’ve had a lot of problems in our relationship, met young, had an unplanned baby, neither of us had a relationship prior, I’d say I wasn’t very present for him in meaningful ways. Well he found out yet again and I think this might be the last straw. There’s just no coming back from this. The trust was long gone, it’s definitely dead now. Obviously I have issues to work through and I don’t know why it took me so long to figure out I need help. I’ve booked in for a referral with the GP to get me in with a psychologist but it’s all too little too late for us. Really, as much as I’d love to selfishly continue with him by my side and go to couples counseling, I’m actually posting here to figure out how I can help my partner move on from me as I have problems he doesn’t have to deal with. He’s greatly intertwined with me and I need to release him from those shackles as I know he deserves the world with someone else.

Loz83 Worried about husband
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I’ve been through a lot the last year as my history may show. I’ve (regrettably) recently started anti depressants for the first time in 18 years and they are def helping but now my husband is in such a bad headspace I feel like I’m back at s... View more

Hi all, I’ve been through a lot the last year as my history may show. I’ve (regrettably) recently started anti depressants for the first time in 18 years and they are def helping but now my husband is in such a bad headspace I feel like I’m back at square one. He has a major back injury which is only getting worse and is awaiting neurosurgery. I’ve lost count of the times we have been to ER this year and he is now at the point where he can’t even shower without collapsing in agony. We have four kids plus my own chronic endo/adeno issues (2nd surgery was 3 months ago) and little to no family support so I am doing everything rn as he can’t even drive. He was raised to be the strong silent type who hides his emotions and keeps putting on a brave face even though he can’t sleep due to pain and has been crying and suicidal at 3 am on more than one occasion. To make things harder, we aren’t particularly well financed and living on one wage so every Drs visit is costing money we don’t have which makes things even harder as his wage has almost halved as he can’t work normally and I’m a SAHM. He won’t ask for help and is pushing away any and all help offered and I’m about to crack from the pressure. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The hospital today said he has been bumped up but it is still a three month wait at the best for his surgery. I’m scared to leave him alone as I don’t know what he will do. How are we supposed to get through months more of this?!