Christmas and the in-laws stress, or do I just need to chill out?

[Stevolica27]

Hi everyone, I feel silly for askin' but I don't know where to get perspective from. In short, every year, my partner's family go away (a few hours away) to their holiday home. It's a nice place to go and my partner's family are great! But it's just too much (for me). They go away for the week and expect all of their adult children (and their partners, and friends, and whoever else) to go there and hang out. It's of course, totally fine for people to come and go, and everyone is very welcome. 

The issue I have is, I'm happy to go out there for Christmas Day each year and/or stay a couple of nights but much more than that is not a very nice time for me. My partner tends to get swept up with whatever's going on (constantly) leaving me with not much opportunity to plan my own things, or how to spend time. Anyway, last year, my partner kindly suggested that we go for a couple of nights then we go and do other things during the week either back from home, or else some time in other places in the region and have our own holiday. After nearly 10 years I was relieved last year to do this. But, my partner JUST said yesterday that, that was a big 'compromise' for them last year and this year I should 'compromise' and go to their family thing for the whole week. 

I thought finally last year we'd struck a balance. It actually makes me very anxious and well beyond unexcited to be committing to this week 3 hours away. It's a nice place to go but there's really not much going on and they don't really organise any outings etc. (and I can't just 'do my own thing') - all just making feel a little bored at best, held hostage at worst 😐

Any thoughts, criticisms, suggestions or advice welcome please. I can't resolve this inside my own head 😞

Thank you!

[Fiatlux]

Hi Stevolica27,

I can see how doing the same thing 10 years in a row can get a bit much. I understand your dilemma. We always did my parents for Christmas lunch and his for Dinner, but going on a week long holiday with them or to their holiday home, would have been excruciating after awhile.

Your partner's family are obviously very set in their ways and are comfortable doing this every year. 

You mentioned that it's a nice place but there's not much to do, unless you plan an outing. I cannot imaging not planning outings or leaving the property for an entire week. Even within my own family, we always planned things to do and things to see when holidaying with our children.

There are only so many magazines and books you can read before you do feel bored. Holidays are for rest, relaxation and adventure too. Do you feel that you are wasting a week of your own leave time to do nothing? Maybe suggest to your partner, that you are happy to go to his family however you would like to also go on some outings during that time. 

Good luck and try to enjoy the company over Christmas.

[Stevolica27]

Thanks, Fiatlux. I think you've hit the nail on the head about her family's comfort of spending this time each year in the one place etc. - I think it's really great on one hand, but, and it's complex, but it's just I tend to be ignored. Yes, I could spend time reading books and trying to relax. It's just not how I grew up spending Christmas time, but my values around it are seen as boring and anti-social. I don't mind a mix if we are having a shared life together, but I get stressed out at the pressure I feel to 'commit' to the family, who /are/ really great, but it's all just their traditions and none of my own. 

I think that, and with my lack of family, just makes me sad and stressed out. Thanks again!

[Juliet_84]

Hi Stevolica27,

Welcome back to the forums, I remember you’ve been dealing with this issue for quite some time. Ugh to be honest this would be my worst nightmare, having to spend all my public holidays and Christmas holidays not to mention my hard-earned annual leave etc with the in-laws. BUT I also don’t think this is something that realistically is going to change or can change, it’s always going to be either too much for you or not enough for your partner. The reason is that your partner is clearly a very family-oriented person, that’s important to them, and that’s what they want to do. So this is unfortunately a fundamental incompatibility. Is it a dealbreaker? Not necessarily if you can both compromise - which may mean spending 4 days with the in-laws at Christmas, slightly too much for you and not enough for her etc. Or one year on, one year off. Or you do things separately, ie you go for a day or two then take off. But if you can’t agree then it has the potential to drive a wedge as this is obviously very important to her.

[Rach_den23_]

1. Do you have family near you for Christmas, maybe you could suggest that yous spend Christmas with YOUR family for once. If it was me, I would just put my foot down and say NO, we spend Christmas with your family every year, now it's time for my family 🤷‍♀️