Unable to move forward

[Ngapala1042]

My daughter in law finds fault with everything I do. They have a son who is 20 months and I. January last year I posted a picture of him sitting in his paddle pond on my Facebook page because it was a really hot day and it was a cute photo. I never even thought she would be offended.  
she was and instructed me to remove it straight away, which I did.
I apologized and told her I posted it without thinking.
she then read the riot act to me about not respecting her boundaries and that when her son came home from work they wanted to have a discussion with me, so thst I understood their boundaries and would respect them.  
I was staying at their house, so it was very uncomfortable and I felt traumatised!  I would never do anything to upset her intentionally.

anyhow, my son came home from work and was clearly stressed by the situation.  I apologised sgsin but she said my apology wasn’t enough and that I had to agree to their boundaries.  
I suffer from anxiety and with her walking up and down the passage, to speak to me every five minutes, I lost my cool and decided to leave.  
she said. “0h it my fault now is it.  
I said. No it isn’t, it’s obviously my fault, I can’t stick to the rules, so I am going to leave to remove myself from the situation.
she was furious and sent me a barrage of text messsges saying how my Don was heartbroken and that all I cared about was myself and I wouldn’t take responsibility or ownership of my actions.  
I am heartbroken, as she hasn’t spoken to me for months. 
I honestly feel like I am the worst person in the world.  I don’t deal with conflict very well and I just try to escape it. 
thst is on me, I shouldn’t have left but I was panicking and didn’t want to go down the road of being told off again.
I honestly feel like taking my own life , as she has told other members of the family whst happened and how I wil not own up to my responsibilities of doing the wrong thing. 
I just don’t know what to do. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ngapala1042, 
  Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing this here. You've taken a great step in coming here to seek support and we are sure our lovely community will be able to provide you with some advice soon! 

 
It might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships. 
  We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14. 
  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).    
We’re sure our warm and kind community will spot your post soon. 
 

Kind regards, 
  Sophie M 

[Juliet_84]

Hi Ngapala1042,

I can hear you are very upset with the situation and I’m sorry you are in such turmoil over it. You made an honest mistake by posting a photo of your grandson on Facebook, where she was understandably fairly upset and no doubt worried that the photo would fall into the wrong hands. I’m not sure how she addressed the situation with you or the manner in which she did it (ie was she hostile, yelling etc?) but all that was required was a simple “please take it down” and an explanation why she wanted it taken down. I don’t think a conversation around boundaries is such a bad idea as you then are all on the same page as to what they permit vs what they don’t as it can be hard to navigate in this new era of social media etc. But sometimes anxiety and avoidance of conflict can actually hamper our ability to have an honest open discussion (I suffer with the same problems) and problems can escalate due to miscommunications. What I am saying is to try and smooth things over with your daughter-in-law if possible as I don’t think that is a battle that can be won, and a loss would likely mean not seeing your grandson. 

[tranzcrybe]

I'm glad you respected your own boundaries by extricating yourself from the unpleasantness - that was the right thing to do, perhaps adding that you would be open to discussion once assured it could be civilised.
Although this runs deeper than the one photograph and tensions seem to have been brewing for some time...
It is common for new mums and dads to be slightly overprotective (ranging to hypersensitive) with their progeny, but Mothers in Law usually suffer the most from perceptions of interference, criticisms, and not living up to expectations.

Sometimes it is stated quite directly but can also be subliminal - a shrug, expression, or misplaced word can inadvertently threaten the status quo.

'Respecting their boundaries' is more a polite way of stating 'This is our show and you are an extra'; and yes, this is to be acknowledged and duly respected at all times. And while you have been hauled over the coals in this (somewhat opportunistic) outburst, it is Daughter in Law who is suffering from some insecurity that finds you walking on eggshells in her presence rather than any particular grievance toward you personally.
Address this issue first and find out what would help her feel most comfortable to begin rebuilding trust and confidence in you and your vital role as Grandma.
A little give and take is required on both sides and sometimes you will need to bite your tongue, defer to the consensus, or change the subject if you feel tensions rising. The great thing about grandkids is that they aren't yours to educate, scold, or instill morality; you just have to love them (along with their hapless parents) and then hand them back at the end of the day.

Do this with a smile and your calm demeanour will enamor them in times of need.