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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Waterfall21 Not feeling the Christmas spirit and lonely during the holiday season
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I feel guilty for feeling this way, but does anyone else feel lonely during Christmas? I don’t have a huge family at all, I am an only child and only my mother is around. No extended family around either (Aunties, uncles etc). It’s even more ... View more

Hi all, I feel guilty for feeling this way, but does anyone else feel lonely during Christmas? I don’t have a huge family at all, I am an only child and only my mother is around. No extended family around either (Aunties, uncles etc). It’s even more difficult because I don’t get along with my mother very well and my only family are my friends, but they’re busy with their own lives. Nothing about Christmas is lifting my mood. Decorations, food, lights, gifts and evening saying “merry Christmas” doesn’t feel right. It’s just another day for me. I am also currently in a relatively new relationship and my partner is spending Christmas with his family, but I’m not joining. It’s too soon. It’s almost as if I’m envious of the tight knit family he has, as he’s close with them all. I just don’t know how to process this.

Bradd Husband lost on seapartion situation
  • replies: 17

Hi, I am going through tough separation with wife and have 3kids, we are living together separated under one roof. We live a hectic life both will full time high pressure jobs, running after 3 kids doing sports and doing major Renovations of the hous... View more

Hi, I am going through tough separation with wife and have 3kids, we are living together separated under one roof. We live a hectic life both will full time high pressure jobs, running after 3 kids doing sports and doing major Renovations of the house over the last 5 years, we stopped connecting as a couple and never did date nights of 1-1. I was streesed with work/renos ect. and felt alone & was unfaithful by getting some inappropriate massages a year and a half ago and suffered severe remorse(still do) and depression whilst we worked on our marriage. She started having coffee with work colleague for support 1 year ago (6 months after the infidelity) as I was not being emotionally supportive which I said was ok and she agreed I should focus on getting myself better & mentally stronger first, then work on the rebuild. So I did & 6 months later I found evidence they had fellings for each other. I told her many times over the 6months i was worried each time & get streesed & anxious. We had a blowup when i found out & she said they acknowledged their feelings & agreed to stop communication for a 4 month period. He is also married with 2kids. Over last 4 months I caught them texting/calls and at coffee multiple times, still says just good friends and he loves his wife and is working on making it work, she even said he has said his wife is perfect in all areas except one (didnt say what that is?). I just caught her again catching up with him, she still denies. I can’t handle this & cannot understand why she will not admit he is in love with her, when he text her theese words”I miss your smile and staring into your beautiful eyes”. I cant stop thinking I should have approached him when I saw them at coffee the other day and asked if he is aware that he has destroyed any opportunity for me to repair my relationship, while he was connecting with her and that he has destroyed my life and imp[acted my kids life which will now be without a family home. I did not approach him in case it caused a scene in front of my wife. I feel I will never move on unless I let him know my position and find out if he is in love with her and persuing a long term relationship. I can just see this being a major thing I will always regret not doing if I dont. Please someone advise if you agree or advice on how to do it. I know my wife wont like the facyt I have contacted him but I feel I have to.. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks Bradd

Speckonaclover Tired of caring anymore
  • replies: 13

I'm finding it hard to express what's going on in my head, I know what's there, but actually communicating it is a sense of failure, that there must be something wrong with me. I'm a father to 2 kids and husband to my wife. I don't feel I fit into my... View more

I'm finding it hard to express what's going on in my head, I know what's there, but actually communicating it is a sense of failure, that there must be something wrong with me. I'm a father to 2 kids and husband to my wife. I don't feel I fit into my family anymore. To cut it short, I'm tired of caring. More and more days go by where I have more internal rage, and more thoughts of "I just don't give a F anymore". And I never thought I'd be experiencing days of loneliness or coming home to a family that just expects me to do stuff. I feel like I'm on a road to an eventual end, that will end much sooner than it should, and frankly I don't care. I feel so lost

Guest_6063 I fear I can't continue to hang out with my friend group without seeing my ex who makes me feel nauseous whenever I see her. What should I do?
  • replies: 3

My closest friend/now ex-girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We had a bad breakup where she suddenly blocked all communication with me which had hurt me terribly. In response, after an apology from me (I realized I had been too pushy) and a f... View more

My closest friend/now ex-girlfriend and I broke up a few months ago. We had a bad breakup where she suddenly blocked all communication with me which had hurt me terribly. In response, after an apology from me (I realized I had been too pushy) and a few hurtful remarks from her, I tried to do all I could to avoid seeing her. This went rather successfully as I managed to spend 2 months with minimal contact and was finally starting to get over the breakup. During this period I was heavily aided by some of our mutual friends who helped us both get through the event. This all leads to yesterday where my friend group invited me to join them for a Christmas get-together. While I knew my ex was also going to be present, I felt that enough time had passed that I wouldn't be too hurt seeing her, however, during the whole event, I felt terribly nauseous whenever she was around me and eventually vomited when I made it back home. I'd rather not leave my friend group as they have continued to help me through this and I believe they are true friends. However, although I like to think I no longer hold any animosity to my ex, I fear it will be hard to continue staying with the group as long as seeing her continues to make me physically ill. What should I do? Further context: To answer some possible questions. It should first be said that I am in no way asking my friend group to pick a side, nor have they chosen to specifically side with either of us. What I am asking is if I should separate from my good friends due to my ex making me feel sick, or if I should continue to stay in the group. Furthermore, the reason this question is so black and white between 2 choices is that for the following year, seeing the friend group will be unavoidable as some of us share classes and we all hang out together during breaks. I know I cannot stay with them without inevitably seeing my ex and feeling sick again as a result. (I'm aware changing my school is an option, hence why I'm asking if I should leave the group or not.) Finally, I am aware of my own fault in this whole situation, I was trying to push her into a more serious and romantic relationship, while she wanted to keep the relationship more casual. As previously noted, I later apologized for it, hoping that we could forget each other's past mistakes and stay friends, which was met with a negative response, leading me to separate myself from her for the following 2 months.

WaterFront Elephant in the room
  • replies: 3

Hi All, Is it just me or is there an elephant in the room? I think it must be just me. Surely not. I'm finding the whole Christmas situation is making me feel very anxious - absent friends - Well, one absent friend/FWB in particular. This will be for... View more

Hi All, Is it just me or is there an elephant in the room? I think it must be just me. Surely not. I'm finding the whole Christmas situation is making me feel very anxious - absent friends - Well, one absent friend/FWB in particular. This will be for the second year now after 20 years spending Christmas day together. I have all of my family there for which I am very grateful (except my Dad who passed away 7 years ago). Last year not one person mentioned this absent friend for the entire day and I think they did that to protect me from my feelings. I'm dreading Christmas Day because even the mention of her name makes me feel a bit panicked. I keep telling myself that I need to be stronger and a 'grown up' about it. I want to enjoy the day and enjoy my family and I make a conscious effort to live in the now. I worry about what might be said or mentioned as this seems to break down my veneer very quickly. Any tips to avoid this? I think I'm maybe being too sensitive. I know other people are going through much worse than this from reading the posts on BB and feel my problem is fairly insignificant in relation to what others are dealing with. But there it is. I wonder if anyone has any thoughts on the subject or some kind words/advice to offer that I can take on board. Just writing it down helps. Thank you BB community. WF

Kally_jo Father issues
  • replies: 14

My father has not spoken to me for 5 years. I tried to question him why he didn’t want to see me and he rejected me saying that he couldn’t change the way I think. It was a repetitive circle of him saying that he wanted to see me and then he wouldn’t... View more

My father has not spoken to me for 5 years. I tried to question him why he didn’t want to see me and he rejected me saying that he couldn’t change the way I think. It was a repetitive circle of him saying that he wanted to see me and then he wouldn’t show up when I tried to arrange a time to see him. So I gave up on trying to see him because I’m not going to allow myself to get hurt emotionally by him. He had never been there for my birthday but I had my birthday last weekend and I did not expect to hear from him on my birthday but he was the first person to wish me a happy birthday. I was happy to hear from him but I am still in shock and confused

Lynhs How do I not end up hating alcoholic husband?
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I have been married to a man I love very much for the last 21 years. I have always been the main breadwinner, and he has been the primary caregiver for our daughter. He would always keep up with the housework and cook all the meals so that I ... View more

Hi all, I have been married to a man I love very much for the last 21 years. I have always been the main breadwinner, and he has been the primary caregiver for our daughter. He would always keep up with the housework and cook all the meals so that I could focus on my very demanding job. What I didn't know at the time was that we was drinking heavily during the day, and most likely was doing school pickup while he was drunk. He has been working part time for the last 5 years or so. In 2019 he lost his job because he was under the influence of alcohol on the job. I didn't realise how much he was drinking until then - he's always been so good at hiding it and I have no sense of smell so couldn't smell it on his breath. Plus he never drinks in front of me - hides it in the car, the garage, in his golf bag etc. Since then he has spiralled out of control, and is now either glassy-eyed drunk or asleep. He has done 2 stints in rehab this year, with the latest finishing only 2 days ago. When he's there he's articulate, amusing and caring. But since he's been home, he's immediately fallen back into old habits. He swears he hasn't had a drink but he staggers between rooms, won't eat, then takes 4 hour naps at 10am, and again at 4pm, then sleeps 8-10 hrs at night. Meanwhile I'm doing all the housework, the cooking, looking after teenage child and doing all the running around associated with that, as well as being the sole earner and working 10hrs / day. So how do I not become bitter, and end up hating him? I want to help him but he lies constantly, and is never sober enough to have a serious conversation about what comes next or how I can help. When I try he says that I lecture him, but he just sits there and stares at me so I agree that its one-sided. Our daughter can barely speak to him. I'm so angry all the time I'm on the verge of tears every day. Life is so much less stressful when he's in rehab. I hate being at home, but need to be there to make it a home for my daughter. And yet I can't kick him out or he'll be homeless or sleeping in his car. I feel so trapped! What can I do?

Kato11 Breakup after Boyfriend starts dealing with trauma and burnout and now feels numb
  • replies: 14

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me suddenly in March. He said he wasn’t coping and because he wasn’t coping he wasn’t giving me the time or treating me as well as I deserved and so he felt just guilt all the time plus he was pushing me away. I ... View more

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me suddenly in March. He said he wasn’t coping and because he wasn’t coping he wasn’t giving me the time or treating me as well as I deserved and so he felt just guilt all the time plus he was pushing me away. I gave him the space he needed and told him I still loved him and would support him. Fast forward 8 months and it’s been an emotional roller coaster for both of us as he try’s to get help and learn healthy coping mechanisms. There were Good periods where it seemed like there was hope for our relationship but they were only brief. The last time he said he wanted to make it work lasted two weeks until he stopped being affectionate, wouldn’t touch me and was distant again. He has now told me that he feels emotionally numb. That all that excitement and love he used to feel for me and when I was there is gone and he doesn’t think it will come back. I understand that people can fall out of love with each other but I feel like this numbness is a symptom of what he is going through and has been going through. But after the last 8 months roller coaster of emotions I don’t think it’s good for either of us to continue trying to make the relationship work. I am struggling to let this relationship go as I thought he was the one I would spend my life with. I still love him very deeply and I know he cares about me and did love me not long ago! I think this emotional numbness he describes is a coping mechanism on its own. does anyone have an experience with partners going through these kinds of things and maybe breaking up short term while each of you work on your own stuff?

Gothicaria Separating and alone for xmas
  • replies: 4

I made the call to ask for a break from our marriage a few days ago. He went on the defensive and threatened to sell our assets asap and even listed one the following morning. We have hurt each other a lot over the last 20 years and fought on and off... View more

I made the call to ask for a break from our marriage a few days ago. He went on the defensive and threatened to sell our assets asap and even listed one the following morning. We have hurt each other a lot over the last 20 years and fought on and off on big enough scales to warrant my desire for a break. He is not dealing with what he is feeling and I feel like he thinks if he separates financially asap it will make it hurt less than it does. Neither of us are prepared to leave our owned property, my reason is due to our 12 year old son and on legal advice to stay based on his current reactions to sell everything. Xmas day was supposed to be at our house but only his parents were coming. My family all have their own plans so now I am facing spending Xmas alone. I’m crying and have feelings of despair on and off all day. This all erupted 4 weeks ago when my husband went through my personal computer and found comments I made to online friends about times when I had been unhappy with his behaviour. He also found out I had been involved in sending inappropriate messages to one of those online friends whom I had been leaning on for support that quickly became intimate. It had all ended prior to my husband finding out. We since have tried to reconcile but when I found my husband was still trying to access my computer and hack my accounts I changed my passwords and he got very upset saying I was trying to hide things. I even offered to show him my accounts but voiced that I felt violated and still deserve some amount of privacy. I found out through an employee about 5 years ago my husband had a tinder and an Ashley Maddison account which he said he never acted upon which inevitably I forgave and moved on without placing ultimatums about access to his devices. I’m just so lost and hurt. He is a very no emotional person, does not express himself unless it’s anger. I have no idea what to do or what I am doing.

jazzy_aroha My father
  • replies: 6

my father, I’ve never considered him my dad, he doesn’t feel like family to me. since I was a kid he’d yell at me, scream, hurt me and it’d only get worse when he drinks, he’s aggressive and verbally abusive to me & not my sibling, he only cares to b... View more

my father, I’ve never considered him my dad, he doesn’t feel like family to me. since I was a kid he’d yell at me, scream, hurt me and it’d only get worse when he drinks, he’s aggressive and verbally abusive to me & not my sibling, he only cares to be nice to them, he’s says it’s cause I remind him of him, but that’s no excuse? Nothing I ever did was good enough, every conversation I’ve ever had with him ends in a fight, he’s always finding something wrong with me, and says I’m doing stuff wrong cause it’s not his way. he thinks just cause he’s my father he knows more than me and that he’s always right and I’m just stupid. what ticks me off is he never apologises to me, has never said sorry to me for his mistreatment and wrong doings I was terrified of him as a kid, he was horrible and he’s had the cops called on him a few times for a restraining order. I’ve always just wanted my mum to divorce him so life can be peaceful. My parents have fought my entire life. Whenever he had a problem with me, mum would defend me, then they would argue (scream the house down, swear and slam doors), he’d leave the house for a while before mum gave in and blames me for causing the fight, this cycle just continues Whenever he’s around, hes aggressive so I’d do as he says, even when I refuse he screams saying you will do what I say, right now i physically shake and my heart races whenever he’s talks to me. It gives me so much anxiety I cry every time, I can’t help it and then I’m yelled at for crying. He lectures me for hours at night to tell me I’m stupid, selfish and that he’s right about whatever im so sick of it, I don’t want him in my life, every time I try let it go, and think maybe he’s changed his ways, my heart just gets torn to pieces as the anger and horrible words all come back to me when we talk Mum thinks I’m causing all the problems between the family but every time I try to tell how and why I feel that way towards him, she never listens and makes excuses for him, she’s never on my side and says I’m selfish for not liking him/wanting to spend time with him. Today after another fight, she says I caused ill be the one leaving the house this time, not him. I have no one else to talk to who would listen and it really hurts. I have no happy memories with him, only ones that I’d always end up in tears. my happiest times are when he wasn’t around. He makes my life miserable. I’m done trying to forgive him. I hate him. Is is so wrong to want him out of my life?