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Spiraling due to loss of relationship

AliC_
Community Member
Two weeks ago my boyfriend of a 1 1/2 years broke up with me. We’ve been really close friends for nearly 8 years and so loosing him has been hard. He broke up with me due to both our ongoing mental health issues (I have anxiety, depression and stress disorders). He also will no longer speak to me and his family are the same. I lived with them for the last 8 months and began to feel part of their family. Plus I have other stress factors in my life- I’m a second year university student and a recent break down of my dad and step mother’s marriage so life really feels pretty bleak right now. Any ideas for getting through this heartbreak and this spiral. I am seeing a counsellor in the next fortnight.
30 Replies 30

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello AlicC, can we offer a warm welcome to the site, and feel so sorry that your relationship has broken up and whether or not it's been caused by your own mental disorders is not easy to say, simply because we don't know how your boyfriend is feeling about the situation, nor whether his family have an influence on his decision.

It's also very difficult to know why you have begun to feel left out, at the moment that's why you need to find out why all of this has suddenly happened, and by no means are you to blame.

Living with his family may be good so you can save so money, however, living under their rules and regulations isn't pleasant, especially if you don't accept what they ask from you, and if this has happened then it can cause you to be feeling this way.

Your comment is only brief, which is good, but there are many points in it that I'd like to extrapolate on being careful of what I'm allowed to say and one is also the breakdown of your dad's marriage and wondering what to concentrate on, yourself or your dad, but first of all, you need to look after yourself, only because then you will be able to and strong enough to cope with these different situations.

We always wish we could handle all of these different complications, but this perhaps is better done when we have help from a counsellor.

We really hope you can come back to us because there is more we can discuss.

Take care.

Geoff.

Clear82
Community Member

Geoff made a great point you need to put yourself first at the moment. And take one day at a time. I’ve been through some bad breakups and some days I even just used to say to myself ok it’s 8am and I’m going to make it to lunch time. Then I would be like that ok done now let’s get to the end of my work shift.
Plus reaching out like you have is great too!

AliC_
Community Member

Hi Geoff. Thank you for the advice.

When he broke up with me he said he was suffering from depression as well and hasn’t been dealing with it and claims that two people who are depressed cannot emotionally support each other. He says that the way he treated me in the relationship was unfair which personally I never thought this once at all in the year and a half we were dating.

This is not the first time he has said this and 6 months ago when he said this to me the first time he said instead of going through the normal channels that I helped him through and that I have gone through myself (going to the GP and getting a MHCP) and he insisted on doing this his own way and running away to his brothers house and ignoring his problems. I gave him this space and allowed him to do this as to not come across as bossy or controlling but deep down as someone who has dealt with similar issues for many years i knew what he was doing wasn’t going to help him long term.

I got along with his family and both of us were living there however I have since moved out due to the break up. I began feeling left out because the environment began feeling hostile after I moved to university in March and had asked to stay over holidays and the like. However after this it was made apparent that even prior to the break up members of his family did not like me and thought that I was emotionally unstable, too opinionated and all in all just not good for their son/ brother (my ex) and that I was purposely making drama at a family event which is not true I just had my own commitments to my family which I needed to attend to and so had to leave his family event.

for the moment I have chosen to focus on myself, my studies and work. I am not mourning the loss of my parents marriage because it doesn’t really affect me but it was a factor of stress at the time of the break up.

two weeks prior to the break up everything was alright at least on my end- members of his family were messaging me and attacking me but aside from that I felt like and I were doing alright and that this kind of came out it no where for me.

As a result when he asked for space I couldn’t give it to him because I was hurting and looking for answers in the last two weeks and this has put a massive strain on our relationship further.

thanks for the advice and help. I’m continuing to seek help and seeing my regular counsellor again but i wanted to share my experience and get advice in any form from all of this.

AliC_
Community Member

Just an update:

so my ex whilst we aren’t together has replied to a message I sent him. I still feel a little lost but knowing he doesn’t hate me has really really made me feel a lot better.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello AliC, thanks for letting us know.

A great deal has happened in all regards, so it's not easy to try and understand what's happened and how we are going to cope in a situation like this, so I'm pleased he has responded to your message, and hopefully if that's what you want, to get back together.

All the questions we keep asking ourselves may not provide the answers we are expecting or hoping for, but this doesn't mean that comparisons can't be agreed on.

Please reply back at any time you're available.

Geoff.

AliC_
Community Member
Ignore all of that. What I saw as us getting alone ive since seen as him just being polite and that he still doesn’t like me. I’m going through the processes of grieving but for the last 24 hours I’ve spiraled into another bad place mentally. I feel like a husk walking around

R3nzk1
Community Member

Hey AliC.

It seems from your description of events that his family is stronger than this story you guys have together. One thing you have to understand is that if he is of an age similar to yours, his level of maturity is certainly a lot less than what you would like him to have. Boys becomes men alot later than girls become women. It seems like he is really attached to you and that he is also suffering in a similar way because of this breakup. But unfortunately, lack of maturity goes with unability to take risks and taking important decisions, and foremost, challenging your family.

I could suggest a few things from here but I will see if you can find out by yourself, it seems like you are a very intelligent person. So what do you reckon?

AliC_
Community Member
Look right now I’d probably love for someone to spell it out for me. I understand maturity (were both in our early 20s and are 5 months apart in age) I understand that guys do tend to have a lot more immaturity however he was always a lot more mature than guys his age and I understand him being loyal to his family (he is the youngest and last to leave home so he is close to them all) but it still hurts that he didn’t communicate with me and chose to just leave me rather than work things out. I guess I’m just lost right now

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello AliC, being close friends for 8 years is totally different than being together for a 1 1/2 because together means you have to decide whether or not you both agree or disagree on doing something together, whereas being close friends still means that you both go your own separate way.

If a man in his 20's is deeply in love with someone, then they grow together, they take care of each other and want to do everything they can to keep the relationship, even though they might be inexperienced, but maturity grows with the two of you, you both learn on developing maturity and that can be such a joy, however, if they don't want this to happen, believing that there will be another person because there is no rush to settle down, then one person may be heartbroken, while the other just carries on as normal, not caring at all.

Take care.

Geoff.