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being stonewalled

Community Member


I'm new here and I need your advice. I've been feeling very anxious lately I cannot calm down since my partner is not talking to me for the past week at all.

I am in an online relationship for the past 4 years. Last couple of years were quite difficult on us due to COVID issues and inability to travel freely. It caused problems with us that my partner did not wish to discuss. The problems just grew more. I became more needy and wishing to resolve it and he withdrew and became quite annoyed with me and every time I would try to discuss issues he would hung up and not talk to me for a day or two. Last couple of months were quite hard and he wanted some time without me previously and we would talk again when I w messaged him how he was. We would be ok for few days and then problems would reemerge since we never resolved them. So again he wanted time off, week of not talking and I'm feeling very hurt and anxious, and abandoned.

I am not messaging him this time and waiting for him to message me. I'm not sure what to do. I cannot stop thinking about him, I can't stop thinking of what did I do to drive him away. I blame myself, I feel deep sadness. I am having often anxiety attacks and difficulty sleeping and constantly checking my phone. I've been left in limbo not sure what to think and what to do. I'm feeling lost. I have nobody to discuss this. What do you think I should do? if it's better to let him be for the moment, do you have any tips how to calm down, how to redirect my thoughts as I'm feeling almost sick from stress inside that I don't show to anyone. Thank you

30 Replies 30

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Sad&Anxious, a warm welcome and sorry your comment hasn't been answered.

Having an online relationship can make this quite awkward, not only because of COVID but in many other situations, simply because you aren't sure what is happening behind the scenes and whether other people are involved that you don't know about and why you are being stonewalled.

I only say this in complete admiration of you trying to be in contact with him but with him not responding back to you like a couple in love would do, sure there are the occasional times when a couple get peeved off with each other but to put the phone down while talking is something I dislike as well.

I can't tell you what to do but I can suggest that you don't worry about contacting him because actually living together could mean that situations similar to this will be very difficult for the two of you to be social with each other, and if now he won't contact you for a day or two, then what's going to happen when living with each other.

My best.

Geoff. x

Community Champion
Community Champion

hello and welcome.

Tips to calm down - there are threads on the forum for grounding, relaxation, mindfulness to help you focus on the present moment rather than on the distracting and perhaps negative, and anxious thoughts. You could also look at the apps to install on your phone in this area as well. Any of these will take practice but it will be a start?

I do not know the answer on what to do. However I do not what it can be like wanting an answer to a question and not getting it. That part really sucks. In your case, not being able to the see your partner sounds as though it has added stresses here.

Your relationship has been going on for a while now so that in itself is a positive. I would hope there is some openness in communication? Perhaps if/when you do get to talk to him. you could ask about what he is thinking and feeling? He may also be finding it difficult as well. It is hard to say.

If you want to talk more, we will listen...

Thank you Geoff, for your kind reply.

I understand that nobody can tell me what to do. The situation is very complicated but feelings are real and existing. I feel that he's got issues and I wonder if my persistence in trying to resolve our problem is just pushing him away as he cannot deal with problems, possibly due to his past traumas. I meant, in such situation, is it better to leave him be for the moment, and not to pursue him and see if he will contact me, or should I try to reach out to him. I tried few times and it worked but temporarily. It's also, that I don't want to be seen as the only person who actually tries to reconnect, for my own feeling I wish he reaches out to me.

and I do agree with your point, I wondered that myself. he claims that things would be different, but this have pust some doubts of how would things be if we lived together.

Thank you for listening, it means a lot to me.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I will look for some ways of trying to distract my thoughts. It's hard, I blame myself most of the time. I wonder what could I have done differently. Anxiety is so present that I feel heart palpitations, I feel enormous stress. I will try to search on this forum how to redirect my thoughts. Thank you for the app suggestions. do you have any particular ones in mind?

I tried to reach out with communication, totally being open, but he withdraws, he gets angry when we discuss problems and walks away. I believe me trying to resove the problem pushed him away and he said he is not sure if he wants me or solitude but he claims he loves me and will never stop loving me. Very confusing for me. it's been over a week now, and he has not contacted me and I feel such pain inside.

Thank you for listening, it means a great deal to me.

good apps are smiling mind, insight timer

ones you can pay for include headspace, calm

the one I use is virtual hope box.

best if you download and install and see if you like it. If not, uninstall and move to the next one. For example, my dad and I have different tastes - he could not get over the accent in virtual hope box, while I did not like those in headspace.

Community Member

Hi op.

Ironically l've been going through some things very similar this last 13 mths, although she did come down twice for a few days ea through that.For the two yrs before that we'd live together at my place a few mths at a time. But she's had very serious legal battles she's been fighting up at hers, 12hrs away, this last few yrs and this last 13 she's needed to stay and often needed time to herself just to cope.

l don't know what's going on with him , it could be about you two or maybe nothing to do with it , it could be just his life of late , stresses , things in a mess, don't know. But nah , l wouldn't persist, def' not , it will push him away even more bc he's been pretty clear about needing some time. l know what it's like and how hard it is , and to want to work it out together. But he is def' needing it for whatever's going on , that much we can see in what you've said and l don't think you;ve got a choice really other than to just stay away until he's ready.

It may be just things in his life and not you two at all. But if not then he should start missing you and want to touch base with you in a wk , 2 , and want to continue or fill you in.

Good luck anyway . rx

Thank you I downloaded it and I'm tryng to keep myself busy. I haven't heard from him yet and there are moments of dispair, but I'm trying not to persue him and wait. Not sure when should I give up.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

Something is going on and I'm not exactly sure what is it. I tried talking to him earlier, but he would get upset, avoiding topics. All the change with him made me feel insecure, thinking that something is wrong with me. He claims he's moody and that I don't deserve him. He said he loves me and will never stop, however last he said he needs time off to realise what's happening with his mood, whether he wants my love or solitude.

I miss him dearly, every day, I'm hoping he will message or call me but almost two weeks, nothing. and I don't dare to message myself, scared for what he may tell me and also worried that that may push him more away from me.

I know, it's weird, but this is so painful, like real physical pain. I guess, it's worse as I feel as if I'm in a limbo. He said he will message, but he didn't. I'm not sure what to think. The longer it goes, the more I think he doesn't need me as much as I need him. or maybe he really needs time, I'm feeling so lost in this uncertainty.

Thank you for listening

2 wks eh,hmmm. wish l could tell you something, sorry. Although l was very spacey when l first met my partner , hadn't seen her in mths and missed her so much but once she'd been around a wk or so at mine l'd really start to need space. She'd always think l was running away from her but no way , l'm a spacey person and from living on my own to 24 7, it just took time. But it wasn't about her just my weird thing. l'd always love still knowing she was around the house somewhere.

l just don't know about him we just couldn't say sorry. The fact he's said he loves you and will never stop is still hopeful. lf there's nothing serious going on in his life it could just be about his moody stuff and trying to figure out how to make this work.

Sorry ,not much help l know.

Hang in there. rx