being stonewalled

[Sad_Anxious]

Hello

I'm new here and I need your advice. I've been feeling very anxious lately I cannot calm down since my partner is not talking to me for the past week at all.

I am in an online relationship for the past 4 years. Last couple of years were quite difficult on us due to COVID issues and inability to travel freely. It caused problems with us that my partner did not wish to discuss. The problems just grew more. I became more needy and wishing to resolve it and he withdrew and became quite annoyed with me and every time I would try to discuss issues he would hung up and not talk to me for a day or two. Last couple of months were quite hard and he wanted some time without me previously and we would talk again when I w messaged him how he was. We would be ok for few days and then problems would reemerge since we never resolved them. So again he wanted time off, week of not talking and I'm feeling very hurt and anxious, and abandoned.

I am not messaging him this time and waiting for him to message me. I'm not sure what to do. I cannot stop thinking about him, I can't stop thinking of what did I do to drive him away. I blame myself, I feel deep sadness. I am having often anxiety attacks and difficulty sleeping and constantly checking my phone. I've been left in limbo not sure what to think and what to do. I'm feeling lost. I have nobody to discuss this. What do you think I should do? if it's better to let him be for the moment, do you have any tips how to calm down, how to redirect my thoughts as I'm feeling almost sick from stress inside that I don't show to anyone. Thank you

[geoff]

Hello Sad&Anxious, what you seem to be arguing about are they important issues or can they be let go and manage this relationship 50/50.

There will be many decisions over a lifetime that will need to be discussed, some you don't agree on and some that need to be modified, but you can't do this if he goes away because all this does is procrastinate a joint decision.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Sad_Anxious]

I agree with you. Going away every time when we try to discuss an issue is not a solution.

He said he felt we were in a rot and he couldn't argue anymore. He said he missed me but he was scared if he rang me we would argue again. I told him that this silence was very painful and that we should not have such a long period of silence anymore.

We've always talked, every single day for 4 and a half years, shared everything. Part of the problem is that this is a long distance relationship and that currently things won't improve due to difficult circumstances. He takes it quite hard and I noticed changes in him. He does not want to discuss them where when I see the problem, I openly say and I believe that with an open conversation we can resolve it.

I don't want to lose him, he means so much to me. For the moment, I will settle with how much he can give himself to me and I can hope that things will improve and he will be affectionate as he was before. Today, he admitted himself that I do much more for him than he does for me. That I'm very loving. He knows that.

I think, for now, I won't pursue for him to discuss our issues. It will need to be discussed but I think, at first, I will try to help him overcome his anxiety. I need to find the way of how to approach the issue without making him anxious. I noticed when he gets anxious he becomes very defensive and shuts down.

I am open to anything as long as it will help. None of the issues have made me feel less for him.

Thank you for your advice and care.

S

[geoff]

Hello S, it's lovely to know that he says you do much more than he does, that must make you feel very content.

You could ask him, that you want to help him with his anxiety, as you probably have already, perhaps you could organise an appointment with someone, as he might be too scared to do this himself.

Once he is happy talking with them, may bring him out of not disappearing when something happens, because every day a choice or a decision has to be made and if you can do this together will strengthen your love for each other.

Someone can make a decision which I don't particularly like, but it doesn't stop me from loving them, love is too strong.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest_1584]

Hi op.

Just wondering , have you guys ever actually met and been together in RL ? Are you in the same country or and if so could l ask why you've never met if you haven't ?

Anyway , from your last few posts it's the arguing he can't handle and that's why he steps away by the sounds of it. Arguing or even just going over and over things and issues even if it doesn't become arguing, can be so stressful especially on top of MH problems, it can just get too much. Think you need to find ways of just backing right off with any issues and trying to work them out more slowly over time , with fun and normal along the way , and try not to let them turn into arguing.

Best of luck.

rx

[Sad_Anxious]

thank you for your reply

This was never a planned relationship or love. We talked and talked and just realised we fell in love and that we cannot imagine not talking to each other. We had to meet as one would think that this may be just in our heads, the fantasy. But when we met, it was real and even stronger. We managed to meet several times in the first years but pandemic has affected the ability to travel. We live in different countries, and it's not ideal, our circumstances are quite difficult but the feeling for each other is not fading. however, inability of not be able to see each other has created stress and anxiety.

I agree with you, that he cannot handle arguments and going over problems. I am the type who wants all in the open and try to find a solution and I think he gets anxious. Hence I will not pursue things, or more say insist on it but let him to lead it. I think his fear that we will argue pushes him.

Thank you for your care

S

[Sad_Anxious]

Hi Geoff

thank you for your reply.

Yes, when he said that he acknowledges that I do more, I felt that I wasn't going insane, as he was more in a defensive mode.

I'm not sure how would he take the idea to talk to someone, but I definitively now know what gives him anxiety. He does have traumas from his past relationships and I think he reacts in this way trying not to argue as I believe, in the past, he was hounded.

I'll try to change my approach with solving issues so he feels more free and less anxious.

I'm willing to do anything to help.

[Sad_Anxious]

Your comments and observations really help me to try to understand him as they come from a male perspective and I am understanding him much better.

Thank you for that.

S

[Guest_1584]

Hiya S.

And oh don't worry l know these kinds of meeting can be very very real, just as real as any other. My ex and l met online different countries, we'd both been divorced. Same, it was very real and we did finally meet, 8mths and same again it was even stronger. Unfortunately some differences and one of us needing to move countries, sadly in the end we couldn't work it out.

One big problem for you l'd say is that he sounds like he just couldn't cope with everything involved and needed to actually be together and one moving.

[Sad_Anxious]

I think so too and currently it's not possible and it's creating the problem.

Today I had to go somewhere and we couldn't talk properly and this created an anxiety in me as I was rushing to go home ASAP so we can talk before his bedtime. My anxiety triggered his and he took it as if I'm blaming him for needing to sleep etc. But I didn't mean it I just wanted for us to spend time and the appointment I had annoyed me.

then he got upset, anxious and I feel I failed again, that I shouldn't have shown my annoyance and that I shouldnt say anything.

I feel as I have received red dot in the book, almost like I'm on a trial.

My anxiety was desire to talk to him, not blaming him, on the contrary I blamed myself for not trying harder to cancel the appointment. I just hope he won't run away again, I couldn't handle silence again. It's just too painful.

[Guest_1584]

Ahhh, sorry to hear that . lt's amazing how the best intentions blow up isn't it.

l remember lots of times like that but after awhile one of us would just say you'll be in bed by the time l get home so we'd just say our good nights. Often one or the other would leave a letter or some words or something nice before they went to sleep for the other. You could just try something like that and just accepting it that your both missing out that night, But before we got to that l remember racing home in a panic many times just to get 5minutes before she slept.

He sounds incredibly hypo sensitive , like , over kill and hard to get along with though. You were trying your best and with good heart , don't beat yourself up over that.