Overwhelmed, lost, confused to the point of drinking

[Romes88]

Hi, first time here and I guess I'm posting because I'm in a pickle where I don't want to talk to anyone I know as I don't want it to impact on how they see my husband.

Firstly, I'm sure I play a huge roll in this, I'm self destructive in relationships, often expect too much (I treat others how I would like to be treated and go above and beyond because it often doesn't take much to do so), and then get naggy or just turn into a bit of a Sour puss. Which I would also like to explore why at some point....

But I need some outside help. So when covid first hit I was working from home, early days pregnant with #2, working 14 hour days, not sending older one to daycare as feared what long term covid would look like. On top of that, I got a message from a friend I had in the best years of my life. He ghosted me 5 years prior and wanted to apologise for that and explain it was because he was deeply in love with me wanted to clear his mind I guess. But this just threw me into a spiral. My logical mind says we would never have lasted anyway, I didn't overly want him at the time he pulled away from me, but the hormones, feeling unloved and over stressed at home basically led me to crumble. I got drunk whilst pregnant and hated myself ever since.

It also made me question things with my husband. Did I settle? Is there something I'm missing? He is an amazing man who would never stray, has had my back through thick and thin, provides so we have a more than comfy lifestyle and helps with the kids. But he does what he has to and no more. He makes smart comments like "you live the life" and laughs when I say I'm overwhelmed saying what do you have to be overwhelmed about.

The mental load, emotional exhaustion from tired prep kid and baby, keeping house, training our new puppy he wanted etc is just killing me. I feel so empty. I'm giving everything and get nothing back. He doesn't realise how easy it is to go to work rather than feed kids breaky, clean up dishes, pack kids bags, school drop off, baby meltdown, then work, then groceries, cook dinner, clean up after dinner then fold clothes, train dog etc etc the list goes on. We have had the chat heaps, he helps for a few weeks and then it's back to the same old. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm the sour nagging wife and getting disappointed that I've just stopped bringing it up and drink.... and I've been messaging the guy from above to feel something. I need some help.... what do I do, where have I gone wrong??

[geoff]

Hello Romme, and welcometo the forum.

When someone we're with or a person from the past writes a letter or verbally says 'I love you' it can put a new dimension into how you are feeling, especially if you're married to another person.

This an alter your relationship with how you feel about your spouse and can easily confuse your situation because saying this is completely different than actually living with a person.

Your days are currently filled to the capacity, and although the doctors say it's not advisable to drink while pregnant sometimes that's what we want to do even though your husband may provide a comfy lifestyle, sometimes you wish he would do more than he's expected to do, just to take the workload off you and make your day easier.

Are you able to ask him if he can continue to help you and not do it just for a couple of weeks because when this happens it only takes you back to square one.

Messaging this other chap is only by correspondence and if you were to live with him after separating, then the story may be quite different.

If you can it's important to discuss this with a counsellor before you begin to feel worse, and as I used to drink, I now know that it doesn't solve any problems, it just creates more confusion, now I don'tdrink and can think much clearer.

Best wishes.

Geoff. x

[Petal22]

Hi Romes88,

Wellcome to our forums!

You fell in love with your husband for a reason……. Can you remember why you fell in love with him? Can you think of all of the positive things your husband does for you and your family?

Some times we can get stuck on thinking of all of the negative things our partners do.

When we focus on the positive things in our life ….. life is great because we are giving our attention to the positive…..

I understand being at home looking after the kids can be really tiring.

We wonder do our partners notice our efforts?

Our partners go to work and that’s their day but I also think they hold a huge load by being the main income…… and they get up every day… day in and day out because they know what needs to be done so they can support their family.

You know yourself what your husband means to you and your family.

In the beginning of your thread you said you would like to know why you do certain things you do………..

The first part to growing within ourselves is to look inside ourselves and really constructively be able to take full acknowledgment of the part we play in the way we perceive our lives…. Maybe we could perceive things differently? Perceptions can always be changed.

I believe we are conditioned to think in certain ways but these thought patterns and beliefs can always be challenged and changed.

The most important relationship we will have in our lives is the relationship we have with our selves…….. if we can learn to love and fully accept ourselves then everything will fall into place………

I know it’s hard when we feel like we are holding a heavy load …….. it’s hard and yes we do need help from our partners.

Have you thought about having a date night just with your husband so you can both calmly talk things through maybe you can both view each other’s perspectives and come to an understanding of the help you need to give each other……

I understand you are messaging this other person so you can feel something…….. maybe instead of messaging this person you could message your husband instead and put your attention on him and yourself so you can both get back on track.

Be open and honest with each other.