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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Jealousy (material items)
  • replies: 6

The thing I find fascinating about jealousy is that few people that are jealous ever acknowledge they are. Some might observe a neighbour with their shiny new car or roll up in a vintage sports car. Then they feel uneasy, they might in their mind cri... View more

The thing I find fascinating about jealousy is that few people that are jealous ever acknowledge they are. Some might observe a neighbour with their shiny new car or roll up in a vintage sports car. Then they feel uneasy, they might in their mind criticise them "only on one wage and they are buying a sports car". Welcome to jealousy. The amusing thing about it is that it is all very normal. We want what others have, we even justify ourselves for our feelings by suggesting they dont deserve it. All these emotions are normal. However, are they always normal and can they be dangerous? Jealousy- meaning- "a feeling of unhappiness caused by wanting what someone else has". Envy is very similar. The danger in jealousy can lead to conflict, mess with your thoughts and even end with a serious law breach. So we cant under estimate its effect upon us. How do we counter it if we acknowledge that our jealousy is rampant? Well, if we develop the kindness we have to include compassion for others, thats one way. In our minds we can wish them well, be happy for them. We can then embark on goals to reach a similar position of owning such possessions. So that process- accepting your jealousy as being normal, feeling happiness for the other person that they reached a goal, developing similar goals and planning to achieve it. Jealousy is not dissimilar to many other feelings in that sometimes these common reactions need management. The theme wanting an item someone else has purchased is ok, it's when those emotions overflow, go beyond the norm is when it has developed to become a problem. EG Your neighbours new sports car costs $60,000. After a few weeks of agonising over wanting a similar car you sign the dotted line and raise your debt $50,000 to take delivery of one. Your neighbours kids are grown up, he's retired and his work payout paid for the car. You have two young kids, one wage and a high mortgage. You can see where I'm coming from. I'm 66yo. I have a friend that went through these feelings (to buy an expensive motorcycle) when his wife was pregnant with their first child. He wanted a car like mine. I suggested he "wait till his kids are grown up" his answer "no, I want it now".Such has the latest generations changed from waiting to getting it NOW. That friend now has 4 young sons and one child on the way. You cant have everything anytime. So jealousy has its ramifications at the extreme. Dont punish yourself if you want what others have got, its quite ok TonyWK

white knight Equality (Parenting), how important is it?
  • replies: 5

The Child Support Agency among other Government departments, have moved towards or even fully to, equality in terms of parenting of children. I think this is a good move. Gone are the days when mothers outranked fathers in terms of "but I gave birth ... View more

The Child Support Agency among other Government departments, have moved towards or even fully to, equality in terms of parenting of children. I think this is a good move. Gone are the days when mothers outranked fathers in terms of "but I gave birth to our child and I'm the mother" as being the norm. Fathers are just as important but as a dad myself that experienced a failed marriage when my girls were 7 and 4yo in 1996 I can tell you that many shunned me for not "sticking it out". My ex said "I'm the mother so the kids should stay with me" and a few days later "I'm the mother so you'll pay child support and have visits every second weekend". This dictation of terms was actually accurate them days of prediction of where it would all end up and indeed that remained so for the next 14 years. Courts favoured the mother. The issue for this post to address is- just because parents separate and one parent cares for the child/children more than the other (time wise) should not result in a situation whereby the other parent is less of a parent. Fast forward 5 years and parent and teacher night was coming up. I contacted our childrens mother to ask if she'd be interested in accompanying me and the kids to that event. "Nah, all that is taken care of, you dont have to worry about the girls education just do your visits". I felt like a favourite uncle. I attended alone. This isnt about me, my kids are grown up now. It is a reflection on how it used to be and my sadness when I hear about a father , less often a mother, being treated as less of a parent. It is all too familiar that one parent holds deep resentment to the other parent and sometimes tries to rid them from the scene altogether. IF the parent with visitations is a non abusive parent (that's important) then embrace that as a lucky prize even if you now loathe him/her. He/she is equal in terms of the role of parent, that is important that you hold that close to your heart for your children's future because down the track resentment can emerge from the children for any maltreatment of the other parent. To give our kids the best possible life under those circumstances we should make an effort to be friendly to the other parent. My ex was toxic to me. It was really hard for both of us to talk but we did make that effort for 10-20 minutes once a month in front of the kids at the gate when dropping them off. Our children laughed and played in our presence even though my fatherhood was undermined by her. TonyWK

Sad_Anxious being stonewalled
  • replies: 30

Hello I'm new here and I need your advice. I've been feeling very anxious lately I cannot calm down since my partner is not talking to me for the past week at all. I am in an online relationship for the past 4 years. Last couple of years were quite d... View more

Hello I'm new here and I need your advice. I've been feeling very anxious lately I cannot calm down since my partner is not talking to me for the past week at all. I am in an online relationship for the past 4 years. Last couple of years were quite difficult on us due to COVID issues and inability to travel freely. It caused problems with us that my partner did not wish to discuss. The problems just grew more. I became more needy and wishing to resolve it and he withdrew and became quite annoyed with me and every time I would try to discuss issues he would hung up and not talk to me for a day or two. Last couple of months were quite hard and he wanted some time without me previously and we would talk again when I w messaged him how he was. We would be ok for few days and then problems would reemerge since we never resolved them. So again he wanted time off, week of not talking and I'm feeling very hurt and anxious, and abandoned. I am not messaging him this time and waiting for him to message me. I'm not sure what to do. I cannot stop thinking about him, I can't stop thinking of what did I do to drive him away. I blame myself, I feel deep sadness. I am having often anxiety attacks and difficulty sleeping and constantly checking my phone. I've been left in limbo not sure what to think and what to do. I'm feeling lost. I have nobody to discuss this. What do you think I should do? if it's better to let him be for the moment, do you have any tips how to calm down, how to redirect my thoughts as I'm feeling almost sick from stress inside that I don't show to anyone. Thank you

Bingk6 Marriage Advice Needed
  • replies: 9

Hi All, My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and have two fully grown and independent children. Recently, things have got testy and its hurting our relationship. Just for background, my wife is very close to her family and frequently che... View more

Hi All, My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and have two fully grown and independent children. Recently, things have got testy and its hurting our relationship. Just for background, my wife is very close to her family and frequently checks in on them as they are elderly and require support. Her parents do not speak any English, and despite my wife having 4 other siblings, takes upon the bulk of the responsibility for parental support. Personally, I don't really have an issue with that and have personally chipped in whenever I can to help out if necessary. So much so, we moved houses about 15 years, just so that she can be closer to her family. Over the last few years, my wife started developing signs of arthritis and its impeding her movement somewhat and so she is getting concerned about her own well-being, which I can understand. Our plans are that when we retire, we would like to spend a lot of time travelling overseas, especially now that the kids are all grown up, but the timing of it all has accelerated due to her arthritis. It was always the intention to commence travelling once both sets of our parents have passed. As her parents are older than my own parents, she now wants to commence as soon her mum passes (her dad passed about 7 years ago). My own parents are not young either (both >80) and they too need support from time to time. However, my wife now gets upset whenever I visit my parents, saying that they need to learn to take care of themselves and to not bother me as I am a married man. The thing that upsets me is that I have always supported my wife when her family needed help, but when its time for my family to need some assistance, her response is that you have siblings, why can't somebody else do it and generally gives me a hard time about it every time we visit. On the one hand, I sympathise with the situation with my wife's situation with arthritis, but cannot help feeling that her attitude is "now that my parents have been taken care of, I really don't care what happens to yours". I would appreciate some honest feedback here.

Mochiibee I wish i had a loving family
  • replies: 7

I was supposed to pay the internet bill a few days ago because id finally be able to keep my money for once and save up so i can finally leave this house.. They aren't too happy with me atm.. I guess it was my fault like always, i spoke rudely to the... View more

I was supposed to pay the internet bill a few days ago because id finally be able to keep my money for once and save up so i can finally leave this house.. They aren't too happy with me atm.. I guess it was my fault like always, i spoke rudely to them but only because they treat me the same. im not even allowed to speak my feelings, they always make it about themselves or saying im "talking back". all i can ever do is cry or make vent drawings because its the only way i can express my feelings quietly without being told to "shut up" but i cant even draw now because i broke my phone, i also use my phone to submit reports so i can receive my youth pay (i live in Australia) so i cant do that either.. My father wont even help because hes still pressed about the internet bill, i was told to buy it myself but how can i if i cant receive pay? Thankfully a friend ive known for a few years offered to help! it feels like when ever i speak to my parents or ask them for something, they sound annoyed with me like i did something wrong.. Was it really that wrong to save money? Everything i do just leads to fights, i just wanna leave already

littlegirllost My depression ruined my marriage, I pushed him away, I thought ending it was the right thing to do
  • replies: 17

Hi I have been through 3 miscarriages, PND with both my pregnancies - 7 years & 3 years ago - this then progressed to severe depression which I am now managing with regular psychology appointments and anti-depressants. Throughout the last 3 years I f... View more

Hi I have been through 3 miscarriages, PND with both my pregnancies - 7 years & 3 years ago - this then progressed to severe depression which I am now managing with regular psychology appointments and anti-depressants. Throughout the last 3 years I found myself shutting the most important people to me out of my life. I was consumed by exhaustion and guilt that I thought nobody else could understand. It was during this time that I made the worst decision of my life - to leave my marriage of 10 years and break up our family. I thought this was what I wanted, what my family needed, but I regret it all now. my reasoning at the time was to remove myself in order to fix myself, my husband asked me to work on the relationship by getting counseling together but I couldn’t wrap my head around doing it until I was feeling better about myself. My depression was holding me hostage. I felt suffocated. I only moved out in March this year, the separation is finalized financially and we have 50/50 custody of our two beautiful kids. Now that I have had some time to recover and work on my self-love, I’m finding myself deeply regretting the decisions I’ve made for our family. I want him back, I want our family back, I’m ready to start loving again. Why couldn’t I take the steps to make us work? I hate myself for not trying harder. I have poured my heart out to him so he does know where I stand, I’ve apologized for my behavior - without sounding desperate. When he finally agreed that I could move out, he said that we are over and there is no way we’d get back together as I’ve destroyed him. Is there any chance for us? Has anyone in a similar situation reconnected with their ex? Should I let things run their course? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you ps - I’m not just going through a phase and I don’t want to move on with anyone else. I don’t just want him because it feels familiar...I am truly still in love with him

moocow_1 How do I respond to my partner's negativity?
  • replies: 10

My partner has depression and anxiety and I just want some advice on how I should respond when he messages me and it is negative. The negativity is not necessarily directed at me but it's almost as if he can't seem to find joy or happiness in anythin... View more

My partner has depression and anxiety and I just want some advice on how I should respond when he messages me and it is negative. The negativity is not necessarily directed at me but it's almost as if he can't seem to find joy or happiness in anything at the moment. He goes through periods of highs and lows I have noticed. At the moment he's in the low mood where he speaks about the whole world being place where no-one cares for anyone else, everyone just wants what they want and they don't care about any one else, no-one wants to work or sacrifice but he does. He speaks sometimes as if he is some sort of supreme God where he does nothing wrong and is just the best and everyone else is crap. I feel like I'm never good enough, I don't answer the way he wants me to when he asks questions, he always thinks I'm trying to do things to stuff him around mentally. As if everything is a personal attack on him. He acts like he is so hard done by and that he is the only person in the world that anything is hard for and if everyone in the world is doing things just to make him angry or upset. It's so frustrating. I don't know how to respond to the constant negativity. He will counter argue anything positive I try to say with something negative. I can't win no matter what I do or how I act. I feel like everything with him is a test. I feel like I'm always failing. It's as if he loves to tell me how much he sacrifices for me and my children every day by working so hard, we are all ungrateful etc etc. Should I argue back at him or should I let it all just go? I feel like he would argue with me to get his point across and I would not argue just so I can have peace. I'm at such a loss as to how to respond to him in just every day conversations these days. It's not ok for him to be nasty or mean or hurtful. I'm not anyones emotional punching bag. I had an emotionally abusive ex husband. I don't need an emotionally abuse partner now!

AliC_ Spiraling due to loss of relationship
  • replies: 30

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of a 1 1/2 years broke up with me. We’ve been really close friends for nearly 8 years and so loosing him has been hard. He broke up with me due to both our ongoing mental health issues (I have anxiety, depression and stress... View more

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of a 1 1/2 years broke up with me. We’ve been really close friends for nearly 8 years and so loosing him has been hard. He broke up with me due to both our ongoing mental health issues (I have anxiety, depression and stress disorders). He also will no longer speak to me and his family are the same. I lived with them for the last 8 months and began to feel part of their family. Plus I have other stress factors in my life- I’m a second year university student and a recent break down of my dad and step mother’s marriage so life really feels pretty bleak right now. Any ideas for getting through this heartbreak and this spiral. I am seeing a counsellor in the next fortnight.

73Superbird Living with an alcoholic spouse
  • replies: 4

Hi all, Where do I start...? My wife and I have been together 17 years and in the last 6 she has sunken into the deepest depths of alcohol addiction. Her disease has taken her to 5 stints in rehab, multiple trips to hospital due to injuries sustained... View more

Hi all, Where do I start...? My wife and I have been together 17 years and in the last 6 she has sunken into the deepest depths of alcohol addiction. Her disease has taken her to 5 stints in rehab, multiple trips to hospital due to injuries sustained from falling while drunk and multiple calls to police when she has gone missing. We have 3 young kids who my wife can no longer care for due to her illness necessitating the need for them to go to before and after school care so I can continue to work as she is unable to. She lies and steals continually to obtain alcohol and drinks up to 4 bottles of wine a day to the point of passing out. She is essentially non functioning. Our relationship is in ruins. She knows she has a problem and she seeks help but comes out of rehab thinking she's fine and can have a couple of drinks. The cycle then continues. If it weren't for the children my decision to leave would be easy... One of the hardest things is I have bipolar, major depressive disorder and I come from a history of addiction myself which is a recipe for disaster. In her defense I haven't been an easy person to live with. Until I was recently diagnosed with bipolar I was very unpredictable and she also has PTSD due to miscarriages and my history of self harm and my 2 suicide attempts. When my wife goes away to rehab though I feel I'm a better person and a better father. It's like she is out of sight out of mind... Of course with kids, mortgages, finances all tied together it makes decision making so much harder. I'm at a complete loss. I still love her but at the same time hate her as she is destroying her family. I'm starting to feel immense hatred and resentment toward her and the poor kids are starting to sense that as well... I just don't know what to do.

Romes88 Overwhelmed, lost, confused to the point of drinking
  • replies: 2

Hi, first time here and I guess I'm posting because I'm in a pickle where I don't want to talk to anyone I know as I don't want it to impact on how they see my husband. Firstly, I'm sure I play a huge roll in this, I'm self destructive in relationshi... View more

Hi, first time here and I guess I'm posting because I'm in a pickle where I don't want to talk to anyone I know as I don't want it to impact on how they see my husband. Firstly, I'm sure I play a huge roll in this, I'm self destructive in relationships, often expect too much (I treat others how I would like to be treated and go above and beyond because it often doesn't take much to do so), and then get naggy or just turn into a bit of a Sour puss. Which I would also like to explore why at some point.... But I need some outside help. So when covid first hit I was working from home, early days pregnant with #2, working 14 hour days, not sending older one to daycare as feared what long term covid would look like. On top of that, I got a message from a friend I had in the best years of my life. He ghosted me 5 years prior and wanted to apologise for that and explain it was because he was deeply in love with me wanted to clear his mind I guess. But this just threw me into a spiral. My logical mind says we would never have lasted anyway, I didn't overly want him at the time he pulled away from me, but the hormones, feeling unloved and over stressed at home basically led me to crumble. I got drunk whilst pregnant and hated myself ever since. It also made me question things with my husband. Did I settle? Is there something I'm missing? He is an amazing man who would never stray, has had my back through thick and thin, provides so we have a more than comfy lifestyle and helps with the kids. But he does what he has to and no more. He makes smart comments like "you live the life" and laughs when I say I'm overwhelmed saying what do you have to be overwhelmed about. The mental load, emotional exhaustion from tired prep kid and baby, keeping house, training our new puppy he wanted etc is just killing me. I feel so empty. I'm giving everything and get nothing back. He doesn't realise how easy it is to go to work rather than feed kids breaky, clean up dishes, pack kids bags, school drop off, baby meltdown, then work, then groceries, cook dinner, clean up after dinner then fold clothes, train dog etc etc the list goes on. We have had the chat heaps, he helps for a few weeks and then it's back to the same old. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm the sour nagging wife and getting disappointed that I've just stopped bringing it up and drink.... and I've been messaging the guy from above to feel something. I need some help.... what do I do, where have I gone wrong??