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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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KateHow All you wanna do- the end of the affair
  • replies: 11

This is my first post and I feel very vulnerable and sad so please be kind. I'm already being very hard on myself. I (36 F) have been married for 8 years (together for 13) to a man who is a lot older than I am (25 years older to be exact). We have a ... View more

This is my first post and I feel very vulnerable and sad so please be kind. I'm already being very hard on myself. I (36 F) have been married for 8 years (together for 13) to a man who is a lot older than I am (25 years older to be exact). We have a 5 year old son. Bit of a cliche story I suppose- we've not been connecting well over the last couple of years, largely divide and conquer with parenting, very little physical intimacy. I've been quite unhappy for the past year or so as he has become very critical (and I am quite sensitive to criticism). I feel like I walk on eggshells often and do a lot to appease him and try to make him happy or at least not upset with me. Through a random work connection, I met a man who I instantly enjoyed talking to. It very quickly became an emotional affair. We live in different cities but within a couple of weeks of talking constantly, he made a trip here and it became physical. It was very intense, talk of love, wanting to be together, and offering me a very different life- one with a true partnership. I took a trip to see him this weekend (which my husband believed was a work trip) and I could feel that he was a little bit off- which he vehemently denied. But sure enough, this morning he sends me a text (ouch) to tell me that he just can't cope with the guilt and is ending it. I am SHATTERED. I had already come to the conclusion that I would need to make a decision about ending or staying in my marriage independently of wanting to be with him or not but I truly believed him when he told me that he loved me. I feel so angry and upset and betrayed that I fell for this complete fallacy and feel like all he wanted was a physical relationship. I'm so hurt and it's triggered a spiral of self loathing, of feeling rejected, like I'm never enough, never worthy. I don't have anyone in my life that I could talk to. My best friend would be the one person I could confide in but she has completely cut me off recently. I know she's been struggling with her own mental health and this is how she copes but I feel so alone and like I have no one I can talk to. Everything feels very difficult at the moment thanks for 'listening'

Athenry Little childcare illnesses
  • replies: 7

I just need to vent… I love being a parent and love being married… but. I don’t feel like I get to enjoy time with my family… someone’s always puking or coughing! I have chronic illness so sometimes that’s me. It feels like whenever I notice we’re al... View more

I just need to vent… I love being a parent and love being married… but. I don’t feel like I get to enjoy time with my family… someone’s always puking or coughing! I have chronic illness so sometimes that’s me. It feels like whenever I notice we’re all well, within a few hours someone’s sick. My eldest is coming down with something now, looks like our third bout of gastro since December, which means we’ll probably all get it. My youngest has been coughing for a few days, and for the last two weeks I’ve had a sinus infection. I hope it gets better I just want to feel healthy enough to enjoy life rather than spend every day on tenterhooks not knowing if I’ll get a phone call while at work or be woken by a screaming child just as I fall asleep. I’m not sure of the point of this thread… maybe just looking for solidarity. Now hubs and I have to play the game of who’s-job-is-most-important again.

Tim83 Helpless.
  • replies: 13

Hi all, It's been quite a week on a number of fronts...but the one creating that enormous chasm in my stomach is the fact my wife is requesting we separate after discovering I've been messaging another woman on Linkedin for the past 4 years - with th... View more

Hi all, It's been quite a week on a number of fronts...but the one creating that enormous chasm in my stomach is the fact my wife is requesting we separate after discovering I've been messaging another woman on Linkedin for the past 4 years - with the messages becoming increasingly inappropriate. We've been together over 12 years and married about 10.5. We have 2 beautiful girls, 5 and 4 years old. The messaging commenced on a professional basis, I was providing advice on how she may find work opportunities in our shared field. After a couple of years we continued in contact and I started sending messages suggesting we meet, and saying a few other inappropriate things. I don't really know what I wanted to get out of that. It's true I was interested to meet her. This was in a professional capacity, but at some point the lines became blurred. We never did meet personally, but the damage was done by the messaging which suggested I was very much interested in meeting her - and for the wrong reasons. My wife is a very strong person with very clear moral guidelines around infidelity, cheating etc. Although I didn't meet her, to her it appears I was very much intent on meeting her. In the past week she has said she wishes to separate and has made some initial enquiries with our mortgage broker about how she can look at keeping the house. She has not yet brought it up with family or friends, to my knowledge. I've made an enormous mistake. What I considered to be 'innocent' of 'friendly' chat was anything but. I failed to see at the time the potential for the hurt I could cause. I'm filled with fear and regret right now. Fear that my actions will cause me to lose the most wonderful parts of my life. I'm fearful of only seeing my daughters 50% of the time (this kills me) and fearful of losing my best friend and biggest supporter - my wife. She feels abused that she has spent all this time caring for me and my children, whilst in her eyes I've been playing this cheeky game behind her back. I know she is hurting a lot right now. She is an incredibly stubborn (for lack of a better word) woman and my fear is that her pride would never allow her to reconcile. My pleas are falling on deaf ears. I know at this point it is probably unreasonable for her to be feeling any other way. I thought the past couple of days we were making minor progress, but this morning she confirmed she still intends to separate. I'm feeling incredibly low right now and would like any thoughts..

kp1903 Feeling Lost
  • replies: 5

Hi there, Please no judgment! I have been seeing my partner for approx 1 year. However due to covid and long distance, we have probably only seen each other approx ten times. when state borders locked down I didn’t see him from July until Christmas a... View more

Hi there, Please no judgment! I have been seeing my partner for approx 1 year. However due to covid and long distance, we have probably only seen each other approx ten times. when state borders locked down I didn’t see him from July until Christmas and from then I felt like my feelings have changed and that the distance had made up grow apart. from the start I have felt very pushed into this relationship, from others telling me how great he is. A close friend set us up so I’ve felt obliged to stick around but the last two times I saw him things just have changed and I just don’t have the same feelings. I know I have been acting rude and hurtful to him as well as my family. I just feel like everyone is pushing me to make this work when I’m not sure if I want to. I feel angry all the time and snap at my friends and family. I feel sad and cry myself to sleep most nights because I don’t want to hurt anyways as I have been very hurt in the past before. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just so lost and scared of hurting everyone around me.

Hun My partner wont divorce his ex
  • replies: 15

I have been with my partner for a year and 6 months, he have been separated from his ex nearly 2 years, every time I ask when you will get divorce he said when he is ready, and that's make me anxious is he still have feelings to her or he just don't ... View more

I have been with my partner for a year and 6 months, he have been separated from his ex nearly 2 years, every time I ask when you will get divorce he said when he is ready, and that's make me anxious is he still have feelings to her or he just don't like to be divorced. On the other matter, when his ex left nearly 2 years ago her kids stopped talking to her after they knew she cheated, now one of his daughter who she live with us starts talking to her mum, I am worried that his ex going to start coming to our house. I don't know what to do.

Tata.M Is this abuse
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I thought I should ask as am not so sure what to call what am going through. Is there something like invasion of privacy in a marriage? The reason am asking is because my husband has a habit of snatching my phone and leaving the house or lock... View more

Hi all, I thought I should ask as am not so sure what to call what am going through. Is there something like invasion of privacy in a marriage? The reason am asking is because my husband has a habit of snatching my phone and leaving the house or locking himself in a room so that he can go through it. I never care to run after him because I know I have nothing to hide and an a loyal person. I found out that he goes through my search history. I never delete anything because there is nothing to hide but it bothers me and when I tell him he says it's transparency however everything about him is private. Once I pick up a call he wants to listen in. I was on the phone with my mum only to find out he was listening. I felt so violated because I was going through some challenges and thought I would have a private conversation with my mum as she is level headed and very compassionate. The next day he called my mum to tell her that my challenges had no basis and that she should not tell me I called. This was shocking to my family as we are tight and always talk about everything. I was hoping I could get some clarity. I feel violated though.

Mitchel_C Feeling defeated months after my breakup
  • replies: 3

Its been 4 months since me and my girlfriend of 2 years have broken up. I am 22 and she was 20. I ran into a lot of mental health problems involving depression and anxiety throughout our relationship due to unrelated factors, which subsequently cause... View more

Its been 4 months since me and my girlfriend of 2 years have broken up. I am 22 and she was 20. I ran into a lot of mental health problems involving depression and anxiety throughout our relationship due to unrelated factors, which subsequently caused problems in our relationship involving confidence, self-esteem, trust and enthusiasm. I also pretty much stopped taking care of myself, which was completely out of character. I gained a lot of weight, stopped studying, barely worked and overall degraded my own self image which led me to having 0 confidence. Towards the end of our relationship and coming out of the entire Covid situation, I managed to kick my depression and truly started to become myself again. I got in the best shape I had been in for a while, made a solid effort at uni and overall started making positive changes in my life. Unfortunately, the timing of these positively shifting moments in my life were disrupted when my girlfriend decided she was no longer in love with me. To save a very long story, we just had different motivations / personalities and she felt like she wanted new experiences in life that I had been limiting her from. I was very understanding though it was extremely painful for me to accept. We tried being friends for around a month but decided it wasnt going to work after separately accusing each other of trying to move onto other people on various occasions. I was ideally trying to prove that I could truly change to be the man she once fell in love with, but she was set on starting her new career as well as gaining a bunch of new friends. We have pretty much unfriended / blocked each other on all forms of social media and havent talked to one another for over a month. Through mutual friends, I have heard and seen that she is very much 'happy' and enjoying her new lifestyle. Whilst I am happy for her, its also really painful to see every now and again. I have been focusing on myself throughout this time, making sure im surrounded by my close friends/family, exercising a bunch, studying and working. Though I just feel like im not doing enough and im not enough. I have been on a few dates and am somewhat talking to a new girl, though I dont feel like I would want a relationship with this person so im just not motivated outside of wanting sex. Some days I just break down because im not the person I want to be, some days I just dont want to be lonely. I just want to be confident enough to go after the people im interested in.

lonelyglassesgirl Dealing with people who react aggressively to assertiveness
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone, I'm in a bit of a conundrum -- but I also figure that this situation is probably quite common, so I thought I'd put my question into words, and hopefully the responses will help other people too. I've recently realised that I am overly p... View more

Hi everyone, I'm in a bit of a conundrum -- but I also figure that this situation is probably quite common, so I thought I'd put my question into words, and hopefully the responses will help other people too. I've recently realised that I am overly passive in a lot of life contexts (work, relationships, etc) because I am frightened that others will react poorly or even aggressively if I am assertive. That's to say, I often hide any sort of negative feeling, criticism or disagreement, even when it could be useful to a project, or when it clouds communication (e.g. not being able to say "I don't want to keep on dating you"), because I'm frightened that other people will reject or get angry at me. I think that this is because when I was a child and teenager, and in fact even now, my mum reacted very badly if I expressed my feelings or thoughts or even did random actions without her pre-approval. For example, when I was 21, she literally went ballistic and locked herself in the bathroom because I'd gotten a haircut (like mid-back length to long bob, nothing wild) without telling/asking her beforehand. She also gets either openly angry or "huffy" if I plainly express an opinion, disagree with her opinion, or refuse something. Previously, she has also threatened self-harm and suicide, and in rare cases threatened to harm me, in response to any more "intense" conflict. Anyway, my concern is that I've been reading about how it's important to be more assertive and not passive or passive-aggressive, and this has been helping me with contributing more productively at work, managing/ending relationships in a clear yet respectful manner, etc. However, I am wondering what to do about someone who is almost guaranteed to react aggressively to normal assertiveness. For example, if my mum asks me a question about my sex life and I say, "I'd prefer not to discuss my sex life with my mum", I know she will go ballistic. But I would actually prefer not to discuss that (and other matters) with her, as she doesn't approve of homosexuality and I have recently been dating a woman. Similarly, in the past when I have said, "I am not going to discuss religion with you", she has continually talked to me about religion and provoked me by saying I am a bad person, etc, for not being religious. Does anyone know what to do about this kind of situation? It doesn't seem like there is any way I can refuse certain requests without my mum going nuts.

Worriedhusband Trapped
  • replies: 3

Hey guys, Not sure if I’m in the right place but I need some advice. My marriage is in serious trouble and I don’t know what to do. It got to a point where I told my wife that I wanted out and that I wanted to leave and try to move on with my life. I... View more

Hey guys, Not sure if I’m in the right place but I need some advice. My marriage is in serious trouble and I don’t know what to do. It got to a point where I told my wife that I wanted out and that I wanted to leave and try to move on with my life. I told her how I felt and then asked if we could handle things like adults and talk through things in an honest way. Her response was “not right now but maybe we could talk in 2 weeks”. I’m not sure where the 2 weeks came from but that was the time frame given. Now that we have sort of tried a couple of times to talk about things she is not happy with the fact that I am finally speaking up. The reason that I am on this forum is because she is now threatening to harm herself if I decide to leave and she had also tried to use my boys against me by saying that she will tell them that as a result they will never talk to me again. She also threatened to harm herself 2 days ago. She called me when she was on her way over to pick up our son from university. She called me and told me that I wouldn’t hear from her again and that she wanted me to look after our boys and make them happy. I feel that she is only doing this to somehow hold me to ransom so our marriage is not broken. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

GeorgeAD My wife fell out of love with me without me realising
  • replies: 6

So I am not a huge believer in the stages of grief, but apparently, for the past two years, I have been in denial. It all started when I noticed my wife wasn't saying "I love you" back when I would say it to her. I asked her about it casually and app... View more

So I am not a huge believer in the stages of grief, but apparently, for the past two years, I have been in denial. It all started when I noticed my wife wasn't saying "I love you" back when I would say it to her. I asked her about it casually and apparently she hasn't been happy for some time and she was ready to leave. Obviously this was a shock to me but she had been thinking about it for some time. She had already dealt with it before I had any time to react. I tried to talk it through with her. Offered for us to get some couples counselling but she was already done. Now she has given me an ultimatum to be out of the house by the end of the month. I will respect her wishes and am trying to find a place, I just dont feel like I am mentally in a place where I am ready to move on. I worry about how I am going to cope dealing with the breakdown of our marriage on my own. I have spent many nights in the spare room screaming into a pillow as to not wake our son. Crying in silence because I dont want to be a burden. I was coming to terms with it all until I found out she has started seeing someone else. I dont think she was when this all came to a head, but she was just so far ahead of me in the "moving on" process, she was already at that stage. I asked her (with the caveat that I know its not my place) whether she could hold off seeing anybody else until I have moved out and she responded that she would not discuss dating with me and I should respect her privacy. I feel like I am spiralling and any chance of us reconciling expired before I even knew there were issues. I dont know how to deal with the breakdown of our marriage and I worry about breaking down in front of our son. I just dont know a future without her but she has assured me there is no chance of reconciling as we are. I dont know how do deal with this pain