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My depression ruined my marriage, I pushed him away, I thought ending it was the right thing to do

littlegirllost
Community Member

Hi

I have been through 3 miscarriages, PND with both my pregnancies - 7 years & 3 years ago - this then progressed to severe depression which I am now managing with regular psychology appointments and anti-depressants.

Throughout the last 3 years I found myself shutting the most important people to me out of my life. I was consumed by exhaustion and guilt that I thought nobody else could understand. It was during this time that I made the worst decision of my life - to leave my marriage of 10 years and break up our family. I thought this was what I wanted, what my family needed, but I regret it all now.

my reasoning at the time was to remove myself in order to fix myself, my husband asked me to work on the relationship by getting counseling together but I couldn’t wrap my head around doing it until I was feeling better about myself. My depression was holding me hostage. I felt suffocated.

I only moved out in March this year, the separation is finalized financially and we have 50/50 custody of our two beautiful kids.
Now that I have had some time to recover and work on my self-love, I’m finding myself deeply regretting the decisions I’ve made for our family. I want him back, I want our family back, I’m ready to start loving again. Why couldn’t I take the steps to make us work? I hate myself for not trying harder.
I have poured my heart out to him so he does know where I stand, I’ve apologized for my behavior - without sounding desperate.

When he finally agreed that I could move out, he said that we are over and there is no way we’d get back together as I’ve destroyed him.

Is there any chance for us? Has anyone in a similar situation reconnected with their ex? Should I let things run their course? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you 😊

ps - I’m not just going through a phase and I don’t want to move on with anyone else. I don’t just want him because it feels familiar...I am truly still in love with him

17 Replies 17

Aquablue
Community Member

Hi litlegirllost,

Sorry you have had a difficult time but well done on seeking treatment and reconnecting with yourself. It's really important that you have worked on improving your self worth and realised what you really want.

Have you spoken to your partner about how important that was for you and how this needed to happen for you to move forward?

Is he open to sitting down and discussing if there is a possibility of working through this and what would need to happen. What are your goals, what do you want from the relationship? Is he open to working on this in the future?

Is he willing to attend marriage counselling now? I believe it is never too late.

Take care 🙂

Betternow
Community Member

Yes little girl lost,

There is a chance for you and your husband to reconnect. Obviously I don’t know either of you personally so I can’t give you odds. What is great news is the progress you have made dealing with your depression. Well done.

Your husband would have been terribly hurt and disappointed when you left the marriage. He could be trying to protect himself from potential further pain by keeping you at arms length.

You sound like you have laid all your cards in the table and have been clear and honest with your husband. You may have to be patient. You can’t browbeat him to accepting you return but you can be the best version of yourself as possible. Over time he may see your new confident and willing personality and change his mind.

Is there anyone else that knows your husband that you trust that you could discuss your feelings? How are the children coping? Are you planning any family events like birthdays or other reasons to spend time with your full family?

Anyway, please return to this forum whenever you feel like chatting to people who will support you. Take care.

Thank you Aquablue

i did try to explain to him at the time that I needed to work on myself, whether I didn’t communicate that very well or not, his takeaway was that I didn’t want to fix us

i have told him I’d like to talk before and he ended up just calling me and I had to tell him on the phone, I think he is too hurt to even consider a reconciliation at the moment, and my fear is never

when I told him I’d do anything and everything to have him and our family back, I didn’t mention marriage counseling but I did promise that I’d keep working on myself to be the best version of me for myself him and the kids.

im hoping he just needs time 🤞 I feel like I could wait forever at the moment

thank you for your kind words and encouragement, this will help get me through and is just what I need xx

Dear Littlegirllost~

I guess one of the things about depression and anxiety is the way it closes down one's view of the world. When I was at a worst ebb I found a couple of things, my brain was so full already with depressive and hopeless thoughts that there was no room or energy to deal with others.

Even being asked how I was could make me retreat further or be angry and resentful. Not the fault of the person asking, they meant well, but I was strained to the limit already and could not respond.

The other thing was I knew perfectly well that I was being terribly hard to live with, and had the idea it was built into me, my fault, and no possibility of improvement.

As a result I genuinely felt that my job and family would be much better off without me.

This simply kept getting worse, and eventually I ended up in hospital.

I would imagine that your ex might never have had the chance to truly understand these two things, believing perhaps you wanted to leave, after all saying one is going to 'work on oneself' is not something one can ordinarily understand, as wanting to separate even less so.

Perhaps there might be a chance if your husband can be brought to see what it was like for you, and how depression simply makes one think all the wrong and hopeless things.

Coming back together is a big risk for him, having got everything settled on the practical side and having grieved for so long to risk it all again is no small thing.

Can I suggest that if he were willing a slow approach, including counseling might be one way of closing the gap, and an explanation of the symptoms directly to him by your doctor may help him see things realistically.

I would imagine he might need an awful lot of reassurance over time, even provided there is a spark of love still remaining. To rejoin would be a very brave -but not impossible -thing.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

Hi Betternow

thank you for your reply.

he is most definitely hurt, it destroyed him. I certainly won’t beg him to come back to me and he does know how I feel. I agree that I need to give him time

other than his parents, I’m not sure who else I could talk to that is close to him. I’m not even sure his parents are a good option. The kids are coping well, they have their moments at changeover but we have kept things as consistent as possible for them and never put the thought in their minds that it has anything to do with them. They know they are loved by both of us. We were doing once a week family dinners but my husband decided it was too hard on him. I’ve got my birthday coming up but not sure if my husband will participate. I’ve really messed up

i will wait, as I don’t want to pursue anybody else, thank you for your advice and kind words, I really needed it xx

Dear Croix

your words have definitely rung true with me. I felt absolutely crippled by my own negative thoughts that I couldn’t even respond or act like a normal person. I can’t even remember a lot during that time but I do remember the horrible person I became

sorry for what you have been through

even though I can see a beautiful future for us and our two kids, I’m fully aware that he sees it as a risk. To be honest I’m not sure why he’d ever consider getting back together, but I know I will hold that hope for some time to come

I will be alone for a long time...and that’s ok...but if there’s ever a glimmer of hope for him I will be right there

thank you xx

Dear Littlegirllost~

May I suggest you tell him you are well aware your condition has given him to think you do not seen to want to be together

That impression is false, yoou want to be together more than you can say -even at the times you were pushing him away (yes that is not logical, but neither is a mental health condition)

Acknowledge for him to consider getting back together would huge risk for him, that's even supposing he would want to. ASK him if he has any suggestions to lessen the risk

The reason I'm suggesting this is so that there is a basis for both of you to act on now. I'm not suggesting rushing back together, I am simply suggesting that the above frank talk is more urgent. Life can move quickly and it would be a pity if he engaged in any activity on the rebound.

Do you think that would be a good idea?

I agree begging is not good, the ideal would be to get back to an equal partnership, not as a supplicant, mind you that does not mean you minimize your desire to rejoin.

Croix

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hi littlegirllost.

After reading your post, I felt like you must be suffering a lot of guilt, confusion and lack of self-esteem, you've made decisions that you feel weren't right ones and now you are by yourself. You were in a spot of bother and by the sounds of it, you may not have been in the right frame of mind to be making decisions for you and your family. That's totally ok. The fact that you accept this - is one of the biggest achievements and you should know that your situation is not uncommon in todays society. There are many examples (even her on BB) of people leaving their relationships and their families for many reasons. People for some odd and strange reason jump at the sight of difficulties. We are humans and we have emotions. People are more stressed and are experiencing more mental health issues then ever before.

Now, to answer your question. Can you have him back?

YES!

However...……...you need to really work on your mental and physical wellness and heavily focus on making you the best version of yourself that you can be. You know what I mean. Now is the time for you to look yourself in the mirror and accept that you are not perfect (no human is perfect) and that you can turn this around, not just for your Husband and the kids but most importantly, for you. You need to learn that you are better than you think, you are stronger and more empowered than you understand. Find that grace. Find the inner person you are and learn to become outrageously happy within yourself. Celebrate who you are and learn to celebrate and extend your happiness onto you family, friends and especially your Husband. He needs to see you in your upmost happiest form. He needs to see the person he saw the very first time you two came together. I give you the challenge to show him.

To conclude, you are a great person and you need to give yourself the compassion you deserve because at the end of the day, you both deserve each other. Learn to l o v e.

Be strong, be brave.

Wow Jsua...what a beautiful message, you made me cry.

thank you for your kind words, I am definitely taking this on board and feel that I am already heading in this positive direction.

my ex and I have been speaking and I’ve made him aware of my feelings and that I will continue to look after my self care whether we are together or not. He hasn’t given me a maybe, yes or no yet so I’m just trying to stay positive.

i don’t feel I am a good person for the decisions I’ve made for our family and I need to continue to work on that self doubt. I hold a lot of regrets and blame.

I only hope I can turn things around and show my husband I am working really hard to regain his trust

thank you again 🙏