Tricky relationship with mother

[Nervybella]

Feeling at my wits end today. I really don’t know where to go from here. I have a very close relationship with my mother but we have always bickered a bit. More so recently these have become full blown fights and I am just about at my wits end. For context, below are some of the things she does 

- multiple calls and texts a day even when I’ve asked her to do less

- gets upset with me when I say I don’t have anything to report after already talking to her throughout the day

- will text me and if I don’t reply quick enough she will call me 

- invites herself over even when I’ve told her I have plans 

all of these things make me feel stifled and it’s way too much for me. 
I really want her to get professional help. Obviously I can’t diagnose her but I think she has some kind of condition. She’s impulsive, anxious, has poor time management and poor financial literacy. Low self esteem. Mood swings. The list goes on. She can be volatile to you one moment and the most loving and caring the next. 
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve said and asked repeatedly to please respect my boundaries and what I’m asking of you. Then she gets upset and defensive and makes me feel like an awful person for saying these things and how it makes me feel 

has anyone been in a similar space and gotten through it? I don’t want to have to cut her off or have major damage done to our relationship because I love her and we are close but I don’t know how much more I can handle 

-Bella 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your situation is indeed a problematic one with few options. Commonly I've found such issues are festered through lack of a "life" with it lacking interests, hobbies, sports or friends of her own as I found with my own mother decades ago. In fact her adults children were her life and she also, like yours, had expectations including demanding attention. My mum even rang me while working as a jail warder when supervising 50 prisoners, then after my anger spilled, she rang my boss! This behaviour is akin to "ownership" of me and lack of freedom I needed. It is as if I was still her baby boy.

The swing from loving to volatile, anxiety and other symptoms you have felt is all signs she might need help but good luck with that! In fact commonly it is every one elses fault. The best hope you have is a sit down, gentle discussion and come to an agreement, write down your boundaries more clearly, give her the list. When she breaks the boundary ask her why she did and hone in on that fact, dont allow her to crowd that fact.

You are not in this world to live up to her expectations only to complete your basic obligations as a daughter, love and care. 

My mothers antics went as far as ruining my first wedding then 25 years later threatened to ruin my 2nd. I had to obtain and AVO for the security of having an uninterrupted wedding. I finally found out what she likely has but is in denial, she's 91yo and I havent seen her for 12 years. Here is what I believe is her issue-

https://theestablishment.co/witch-queen-mom-fairy-tale-lessons-for-surviving-borderline-parents-8695...

Reply if you like

TonyWK