Husband always angry, never happy and becomes quite horrible to our sons

[Wren2]

Hi , first time poster here so excuse long post. I could go on forever this behaviour has happened on and off our whole relationship. I thought I knew better I’ve been married once before and he was very controlling and emotionally abusive but it seems I ended up in a similar situation. Long story short we have been together for 19 years , we did separate once but I gave him another chance and didn’t want to be that on again off again couple. But lately I feel like I’m at my limit. He’s always angry at the world, he never takes responsibility for his mistakes, if I say something hd just yells , he’s horrible to our boys I feel like I’m always on edge just micro managing situations to try and stop him from going off. If I try and talk to him he just says “I’ve fn had enough , I’ll just leave” and makes me feel bad I try and say that’s not what I’m saying that I’m asking what’s going on with him and he always threatens to leave. He has lost two jobs in the last 12 months because of his attitude but it’s always someone else’s fault, but the only common denominator I see is him. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not enough, he’s never happy and says he never will be, jokes about dying, he refuses to get help says it’s just the way he is and if I don’t like it then he will go. Through our relationship it’s always been like this highs and lows when he’s good he’s caring fun when he’s low he’s mean and cold, the lows are getting more often I’ve tried to help but he don’t take it and I just don’t want to live the rest of my life having to feel like this and always worrying if he’s going to blow up at me or our sons or anyone that just says the wrong thing when he’s in one of his moods. I just really needs to say some of this stuff outside. I feel stuck, I know I’m not but it feels that way. Thanks for reading 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Wren2
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue online forums, it’s great to have you here, it takes a lot of courage and we want you to know that this is a safe space to share your thoughts and feelings, and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We can hear that your past experience is helping you to pick up on those red flags in your relationship; the emotional abuse and your husband’s lack of self-responsibility both of which are common factors in the person who is abusing due to the need to keep hold of that control.  No matter what life stressors your husband is facing it’s no excuse for abuse and unfortunately, other than encouraging him to seek help, there will be little you can do to bring about change in him, however you do have control on how you choose respond to his behaviour.  As you mentioned, you know you are not stuck but as we know, abusive relationships are often fraught with feelings of fear, obligation and guilt for the person at the receiving end of the abuse.  With this in mind, we thought you might find the following support service, which is free to access 24/7 helpful in assisting you to explore strategies to keep yourself safe in this situation and find some way forward from here:
 
1800 RESPECT Click Here or call 1800 737 732 and also
1800 RESPECT Chat online Click Here
 
We also want to let you know that if ever you feel like you need to talk this through, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our fully qualified counselling team are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure you will hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Please remember you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M