Break up with an alcoholic partner

[PKSYD]

I have been with my partner for 8 years. Hes an alcoholic and becomes very abusive verbally when he is drunk towards me and my mother. In front of others he disrespects and most recently at his gathering in front of others he told all my friends that i dont sleep with him anymore and that i dont love him anymore. Its the love that i have had for him that has kept him in my house and not on the street. Its the sorrow i have and feel every time for him but not me. Everytime i am going to break up he tells me hes going to change and makes me feel sorry for him. In the beginning of the relationship i found out he cheated on me multiple times yet i took him back. Why? I dont know. Its like i have given given given and lost all for myself.  Now this time i found him a place to make sure hes okay and am going to pay for him to live there yet now he says he will change and doesnt want to be away from me and that he loves me more than anything in this world. Last 3 years i have disconnected from him emotionally, mentally and spiritually and physically, yet he accuses me of having someone else but he doesnt see that i dont want to be near him when hes so drunk nearly every night.  i wanted to put more details but im limited due to the characters.

[Sophie_M]

Hi PKSYD, 
 
Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums. 
 
We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way.   It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.    We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at: 

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse 
• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on safety planning: thinking about things you can do to be safer while you’re there and as you plan to leave.  
• It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here. 

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[geoff]

Hello PKSYD, living with an alcoholic is not easy, because everytime you say to them that they have to leave, they say they promise they will change and this type of behaviour continues on and on until finally you can't believe a word they say.

It's good that you want to pay for him to live in another place, but in some way that can also be feeding his addiction because he doesn't have to take any responsibility, so he will continue his drinking, but for him to mention that he wants to stay with you may once again be deferring his decision to address his drinking.

I can't tell you what to do, but can suggest that unless he knows how his mood changes when he has been drinking then nothing is going to change and all his promises are fruitless, it's you who has to look after yourself, because to love an alcoholic means to love 2 people.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Juliet_84]

Hi PKSYD,

I’m so sorry you are going through this, I know from personal experience that it takes a huge emotional toll on a person. Eight years is a very long time to know a persons character. The fact is that addicts and abusers are very manipulative people, they will string you on with promises to change and how the future may be one day (it’s called future faking) but before you know it 20 years has passed and you are still in the same spot hoping they’ll change. This was me with my ex-partner - I had actually finally left the relationship and returned due to promises to change but it eventually went right back to where it was before. You need to ask yourself whether you can deal with the person they are NOT the person they promise they are going to turn into, because why didn’t they do that the past 8 years if it was so easy? I would suggest you pay no more for this man who abuses you and cheats on you and manipulates you - he is taking advantage of your good character and you are enabling his bad behaviour by freeing up more money so that he can spend it on alcohol. In addition to separating from him mentally, spiritually and physically, I would suggest you also start separating from him financially, if you haven’t already. You don’t have to do anything now, but one day you will have had enough of this terrible treatment, you will know when that is x

[Jay__Bee]

This story is very familiar to me however I’m the guy that drinks too much.  My wife has told me the same things on many of occasions and I was numb to listening to her.  I ruined our marriage and I’m pretty sure it’s too late.

I’ve a new found knowledge through this period and it’s getting to the root cause of why I was drinking and being emotionally invested in taking knowledge then turning it into action that has been a real turn around for me.  It’s not using will power but understanding what alcohol does to me that has changed my relationship with alcohol.  I can’t make up for the past with all the broken promises but I can be better for the future.  I’m taking the right steps for me. I wish I had of seen many years ago. But unfortunately you can’t see what you don’t want to.  All the best in your journey.

[quirkywords]

PKSYD

i was with an alcoholic for over 9 years.

I knew after 5 years I wanted to end the relationship. Everyone felt sorry for me. He treated me like your partner treated you. It took me ages to get to him to leave and he was hostile .

As Juliet said only you will know when to end it finally. I stopped listening to his self pity.