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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Avocadolady How to stop wanting to save your family
  • replies: 9

I have gone through a rough path to be at this point, where i am feeling tired of caring and helping my family, especially my brother. he has a bad temper that caused my mom great frustration, he is a complainer, and a person who does not take respon... View more

I have gone through a rough path to be at this point, where i am feeling tired of caring and helping my family, especially my brother. he has a bad temper that caused my mom great frustration, he is a complainer, and a person who does not take responsibility but to care about himself. he is going to be a father soon, so i am getting more worried about our family. Here i am 26 years old and have spent most of my life worrying about them, that i sometimes forget about living my life. I wonder if they ever care how hard i work and how i live my life as i do for them. is it bad if i stop caring so much and trying to save them? because its such a burden and I want to start my own family one day without carrying such worry into it. I want to have happiness of my own also. is it selfish?

Grogu_Lover Friends that ditch I am really struggling with this mentally.
  • replies: 9

Hi lovely people. I am new to these forums. Started hunting around for someone/where to talk about all of this going on in my mind. I don't have a lot of friends and genuinely care for the ones I do have. I make connections and work really hard on th... View more

Hi lovely people. I am new to these forums. Started hunting around for someone/where to talk about all of this going on in my mind. I don't have a lot of friends and genuinely care for the ones I do have. I make connections and work really hard on these friendships. One friend I met through my daughter, it was her friends mum. We are the same age and hit it off. We had known each other for a few years and always had a good chat when girls had sleep overs. Anyhow, about 2 years ago we started hanging out a lot more, I would go to hers for a cuppa and we would chat for hours. We did movie day at my house, drinking, lots of fun days. I had her kids stay with me for a week when a relative of hers was ill and she had to go interstate, took her kids to School and picked them up most days, for quite a few months. We would talk most days, she told me how she had been hurt in the past by friends and hated it and would't do that to me. Well her husband and her were having issues and she reached out to another friend (which is fine btw) but she started to pretty much stop talking to me unless I messaged her. I haven't seen her since, and still now don't unless I message her first. We went from being great friends to literally nothing overnight. The end of her marriage changed her I think. She said she has been hanging around others that knew what it was like. Fair enough but to just not talk to me suddenly really hurt and still bloody does. She has since moved away, didn't bother saying goodbye. I wouldn't of even known had it not been for Facebook. Another friend I have known for 10 years, suddenly blocked me on FB and everything else because I am friends still with the girl who was her best friend and they stopped talking. She just gave away 10 years of friendship just because I associate with that girl still. Another friend stopped talking to me again due to mutual friendships that ended. We are adults and surely can be friends with others even if they have a friend that they no longer associate with. These last two girls have really effected me mentally. I keep saying is there something wrong with me, or do I get to a used by date and no good anymore, so just discarded. It hurts so much, I don't know if I can trust anyone else now. Don't want to get too close. What do I do? How do I recover from these betrayals?

Winnie2405 Help - supporting a traumatised and anxious friend
  • replies: 2

Hi all,So here’s the deal…one of my best friends has years of history with abusive, mentally manipulative, gaslighting partners. She retains a lot of trauma and ‘shutdown’ behaviours as a result, and is very conflict avoidant, to the point where she ... View more

Hi all,So here’s the deal…one of my best friends has years of history with abusive, mentally manipulative, gaslighting partners. She retains a lot of trauma and ‘shutdown’ behaviours as a result, and is very conflict avoidant, to the point where she will silence herself and endure soo much unfair treatment that is detrimental to her mental and physical health just to keep the peace. Currently, she has this partner who has all of a sudden walked back into her life (after neglecting their relationship for months on end to the point she thought they were no longer together), who has all of a sudden moved into her home, (should clarify this partner isn’t one of the previous abusive ones, and also that my friend never really accepted him moving in…it was more of a “no wasn’t said so it must be ok to go ahead” situation)…but is now making her life hell. Draining her mentally, exhausting and draining her physically, making her uncomfortable and making her avoid spending time at her own home. she wants him gone, and has been saying that pretty much since before he moved in. Basically is beyond fed up and wants him out, and is done with their relationship and has been for a looong time.However…her extreme anxiety at the thought of trying to start the conversation that would enact this change, the fear of speaking up and standing up for herself and calling it over gets too great and she shuts down and just doesn’t say anything…and just continues on enduring this mistreatment and the depression and exhaustion that it brings. As a very concerned friend…I know it’s not my call to make, but is there anything I could do to help my friend find her confidence, voice, to help her over this anxiety block and to help her make the changes she needs to be happy? It makes me so upset seeing and hearing all this from her, on the daily, knowing that there’s nothing I can immediately do to help her. Otherwise she’s left with no other option than to hope he makes the call and starts the conversation to end it one day…because her fear and anxiety has silenced her and has her trapped in a miserable, barely-getting-by state. Thank you!

Duesentrieb Wife withdrawn
  • replies: 26

Hi guys,I am married to my wife for 18 years.Since the beginning she used the Silent Treatment (ST) in any conflict or when something didn't go her way. We discussed it but without any success. The fact that I always ran after her, trying to pacify h... View more

Hi guys,I am married to my wife for 18 years.Since the beginning she used the Silent Treatment (ST) in any conflict or when something didn't go her way. We discussed it but without any success. The fact that I always ran after her, trying to pacify her, didn't really help either. 2018 the ST increased. I wrote her a letter. She laughed it off by saying that I would be over-dramatic and that she wouldn't do anything. How could I be possibly affected. I even suggested counseling, but she refused categorically. Bringing up issues in the relationship has always been a difficult one. Often, she- gets passive aggressive (silent treatment, defiance, sulking)- use deflection (OK, but you.... )- projection (accusing me of not loving her, being happy when she is not around, etc.)- minimized the issue and my view (no true, I am sensitive, etc.)Tries to clarify something after silent treatment could lead to another round of it with her saying … if you would love me you would know what you did wrong I started to research, and it went from ST to narcissism. In addition, I learned that I am a people pleaser, emotional dependent, and anxious about conflicts. When she was angry, I switched into a childlike frozen state. As well I learned that the relationship is quite single sided when it comes to affection, attention, effort, etc.I stopped to run after her when she gave me the ST. I became more assertive but as well at times judgmental, resentful, etc. 2019 my wife found that I was in a Facebook group about narcissism and that I talked to other people about our issues. Both, she considered as a major breach of trust. I understand her anger and apologized. Since this time, she is totally withdrawn, stone-walls me, conversations are just functional, etc. I constantly tried to reconnect but without success. She just does not open up. If I ask I get just a simple "All OK". I went for counseling twice and both counselors confirm that she seems to be difficult (see below). I am at my wits end. The difficulties are one thing but the distance she creates kills me. Any advice?

G.P Unsure how to share with my partner/am I selfish?
  • replies: 14

Hello! Unsure how to explainthis, but wanted to get it off my chest. I've been with my partner for 6 yrs, we've been engaged & living together for 6 mos. It’s the first time we're living together properly. Understandably there are things we're still ... View more

Hello! Unsure how to explainthis, but wanted to get it off my chest. I've been with my partner for 6 yrs, we've been engaged & living together for 6 mos. It’s the first time we're living together properly. Understandably there are things we're still learning & it's tough! Lately, we've been arguing a lot about sharing, specifically a car. He recently left his job which provided him with a company car, his new job doesn't. I have a car that I don't use often (driving anxiety, another discussion), but was unwilling to share until I was convinced by him. His point was that throughout the relationship he’s given, sacrificed & invested in our relationship, & that it should be simple for me to share & help him out easily. In truth, he has. By nature, he's a giver, generous & willing to help me, & at times he goes above & beyond. However his weakness is struggling to ask for help, & my weakness is struggling to give help easily. So by him asking for help, it was a big deal. His currency is giving, & he felt betrayed & extremely hurt because I was unwilling to help him for 1 yr to use the car, since he views it as an item that shouldn't have more value than him. That wasn't my intention, I can't pinpoint exactly why I was unwilling to share. He's a good driver, & he's given a lot. I think I felt as though he assumed that he had the right to use it w/out it being an issue for me despite him giving so much? Also sometimes I place sentimental connections to certain items without realising. I don't know. I was also worried about the logistics, finances (the new job pays him less, but guarantees him a qualification, we're planning a wedding for next yr) with one car between us. He'll split petrol use, rego, servicing, so I'm unsure why it's hard for me. Maybe because I feel that the car is mine, & I can't let that go even if he's contributing to costs? I get paranoid seeing the odometer go up, I know it's silly, even if that's what cars are for. I know I've also given a lot in this relationship, & it's been hard for me too. I know I don't give as easily & freely as he does, so am I selfish? Am I not being a good partner? The situation was kind of resolved, but I don't feel ok. The semi resolved solution= he'll get a new car in a yr, when he's got more money, as it's been guaranteed by his employer that he'll get a pay bump (he negotiated it during contract signing), & that we'll split maintenance costs. How can I feel less resentful towards this?

splodge Adoption is a curse
  • replies: 41

I have always been depressed. I think of myself as a normal person but then I get a sickening jolt and realise that I am not. I blame this on being adopted. I was adopted as a baby in 1971 in London. Times were harsh I think for young women in that p... View more

I have always been depressed. I think of myself as a normal person but then I get a sickening jolt and realise that I am not. I blame this on being adopted. I was adopted as a baby in 1971 in London. Times were harsh I think for young women in that period. The sexual liberation of the 60s had come in but contraception was newfangled and abortion still illegal. It was also unacceptable for women to have children outside of wedlock. The result was a boom in illegitimate babies. Nowadays the norm is for open adoptions. This means that although the adoptive parents are the legal parents of the baby, that baby has full rights to know about it's biological parents. When I was adopted things were a lot more restricted and biological mothers and babies were estranged from each other. This seems completely twisted today but that was the reality. Not only that but the adoptive parents were never educated in any way to provide the support that an adopted child should have. The result for me was that I have had a really unhappy life. That is despite having prosperous, well educated and conscientious adoptive parents. Despite that seemingly advantageous beginning my life has always been wrong somehow. I have always been emotionally disturbed from a young age. I was obsessed as a child with "dreaming" . This dominated my young life and involved galloping up and down the room and living in a fantasy world. I also used to make little "spots" with cushions - places I tried to feel calm and safe. I was angry and destructive as a child and would throw away my birthday and Christmas presents. I loathed my birthdays. I tore up and threw away any photos with me in them. Adolescence was absolute hell. I had functioned well socially until then but then I realised something was wrong. I was unable to form relationships. My friends developed normally. They progressed into adulthood to sex, girlfriends, wives, careers and so on. I have never progressed past this point. I forced myself in my mid 20s to form relationships but it didn't work out well. I backed off in my late 20s to my lasting regret. I have now lived without any sex, love or intimacy for over 15 years. I have a postgraduate degree but unlike all my friends who have professional middle class jobs I have always lived on the margins. Now in middle age I realise that I am a really sick person.

Ashii Setting boundaries with family who have mental illness
  • replies: 3

I’ve posted here before about my experience being a carer to a sibling with mental illness.I’ve been having a lot of trouble with setting boundaries. My boundaries are often disregarded, forcefully entered (in the sense of my bedroom and personal spa... View more

I’ve posted here before about my experience being a carer to a sibling with mental illness.I’ve been having a lot of trouble with setting boundaries. My boundaries are often disregarded, forcefully entered (in the sense of my bedroom and personal space) and setting boundaries usually results in self harm, manipulation and/or anger.my sibling has also spoken about feeling possessive of me, jealous when I’m hanging out with friends and has previously said they enjoy causing other people pain when angry and feeling little to no remorse. They’re in contact regularly with mental health services and are looking into a BPD diagnosis.I have been thinking about potentially moving in with just the two of us, particularly because their support needs, but I’m unsure if that will make my current problem worse. Any advice around this would be appreciated.I’m wondering if I should contact their psychologist about what I’ve mentioned here and I’m also wondering how I can set boundaries in a way that has less impact than it does currently. Thanks for reading.

Velour Work situation, am I reading the flirting right?
  • replies: 3

So, I know this guy through a work situation. I can’t really go into details because it’s a bit complicated. But suffice it to say, he shouldn’t be flirting with me. I have two problems. 1. I’m not exactly sure how to read the situation and 2. I am n... View more

So, I know this guy through a work situation. I can’t really go into details because it’s a bit complicated. But suffice it to say, he shouldn’t be flirting with me. I have two problems. 1. I’m not exactly sure how to read the situation and 2. I am not very good at flirting. But, at different times, he has given me the following compliments: You are beautiful (he said this at least 2 or 3 times), I enjoy your company, you are a nice person, you always look nice, etc. He has caressed the top of my hand very gently, started giving me hugs when we would say goodbye, and one time he cupped the side of my cheek in his hand very gently. Sometimes he would also sit so close to me that our feet would touch, and one time he gently touched my knee. One time we were having a casual conversation and he mentioned a beach location and said “that’s where people go for a quick getaway” (I couldn’t tell if that was a flirty hint or not.) It all feels very close and intimate and flirty, but any one thing, or even all of them, are plausibly deniable.Please tell me I’m not crazy…he is putting out some major signals here, right?! Would someone do and say all of this with ZERO intentions?? What sign do you think he looking for from me? Please give me advice for how I can put signals out back to him. I have flirted a little back but I’m afraid my interest doesn’t come across clear enough. The worst part is that I like him a lot and this makes me feel more shy around him! He knows that I care about him, I think we feel really close to each other for some reason, but it just hasn't moved forward beyond mutual attraction and flirting.

alina_01 I’m having a really hard time-
  • replies: 4

I bet half of you couldn’t care less, but my parents are really strict on studying. I’m still in year 7, but the moment I come back from school, I spend the time up until dinner studying, trying to get better. My parents say that they won’t scold me ... View more

I bet half of you couldn’t care less, but my parents are really strict on studying. I’m still in year 7, but the moment I come back from school, I spend the time up until dinner studying, trying to get better. My parents say that they won’t scold me for trying my hardest, but deep inside I think they want me to be more like my sister, smart, pretty and amazing. I started off in a low math class at the start of this year, and aimed to move up. There’s this boy in my class who is really popular, he used to be in my math class. I’d admit I had the tiniest crush on him, but I dumped the idea the moment he started picking on me. “You suck at math,” “Bruh, your handwriting is so bad, how do you even write stories?,” “You’ll never move up” and I lost so much hope, that I actually gave up. In the end, I failed my semester test, and ended up with a score of 81% and I couldn’t get a better score than him, so he was moved up instead of me. My parents didn’t show their disappointment, but I knew that they were. My sister started off as a smart kid, and I just started off dumb. I doubt I would ever move up, but I still kept trying. Every time I make a mistake I feel so dead. I don’t think I should even work this hard to get nothing. but if I don’t, my parents will be even more disappointed. They always look at my sister as an amazing person, and I’m just no one. They don’t treat me the way she gets treated. Not only am I not allowed social media and games, they think that every time I get a bad score is because I’m going behind their back and going on social media and playing games. They think that something is going on at school and keep asking me if any boys are embarrassing me. I just say it’s ok, but it never is. I can’t tell my parents this because if I do they would make me transfer schools, and I don’t want to. I just wanted a normal life, no drama. But because of that kid, I have to suck it all up and pretend he doesn’t exist. But he’s going to be in my class for a while, and with my friend crushing on him and asking me to observe him for her, and me trying to avoid him…. I don’t know how this is gonna turn out.

sparrowhawk Accepting a lost friendship
  • replies: 3

Almost four months ago I left a community where I'd been living for seven years and returned home to live with my family. I'd been really unwell for some time and realised the lifestyle was not helping me to recover. Since that time I've made progres... View more

Almost four months ago I left a community where I'd been living for seven years and returned home to live with my family. I'd been really unwell for some time and realised the lifestyle was not helping me to recover. Since that time I've made progress, found some work, reconnected with friends, and rebuilt relationships with my family - I'd had limited contact with them in that time. I was very close to one member of the community, she was like a mother, support, and friend all rolled into one. In hindsight, I was probably too close to her. One of the hardest things about leaving was realising that I wouldn't have the same relationship with her going forward, and that did make me sad -- yet I (perhaps foolishly) hoped we would continue to stay in touch. She took my leaving very hard. She hurt me quite deeply in the leadup towards my leaving, saying that it was harder for everyone else than for me, and that she was angry with me that I'd made the decision to go. She really made the last few days of my time there miserable, which was all very surprising as it seemed to me to be very out of character. Even my mum noticed a difference in her when she came to pick me up on the final day. When I've had brief (written) contact with her since I left, it's always been very superficial and she's made barbed comments about the consequences of my decisions having impacted others (again reinforcing for me that "harder for me than for you" thinking), before closing off with "I wish you all the best". I connected recently with a friend who happened to work under this person and since left her job. She shared a very similar experience of passive-aggressiveness, hurtful language and petulance when she left her role, which made me feel that perhaps it wasn't just me. It's just now hitting me that I might well never see her again, and while a big part of me really doesn't want to open old wounds, I am sad at the loss of a friendship that meant so much to me, and of a relationship in which I felt safe, respected and valued. Part of me wants to hold on to a connection with her, which is probably why I've reached out to her at times -- but I'm realising more and more I'll probably need to accept she doesn't want anything to do with me. It's probably for the best, but it's seriously heartbreaking.