Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Fusion2k4 I destroyed the possibility of a pure marriage during separation in our younger years
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, 33 here, wife is 32. We met at around 20 years old. During the time of 24-25. We had a break. I had sex with multiple people. To be perfectly honest, I wanted a break to experience an independent adult identify and to also enjoy women (I... View more

Hi everyone, 33 here, wife is 32. We met at around 20 years old. During the time of 24-25. We had a break. I had sex with multiple people. To be perfectly honest, I wanted a break to experience an independent adult identify and to also enjoy women (I know this is evil and self absorbed). We got back together. I have been faithful since. Now, we are 3 months pregnant. As our life goes on - the more eternal we become - my mind cannot accept my infidelity. Around 98% of my thoughts are painful, paradoxical and complex. Because of my eternal sin, I can never be happy. It taints everything - and always will do. I just I was pure. I am incredibly envious of people who have 100% pure relationships. I do dream of an independent life too. I wish that my wife would leave me. I am trying to fight for us but it feels like I am losing the war and the boulder is too hard to hold.

Agent79 Know of a married couple who are keen on getting divorce, but they never follow through.
  • replies: 3

I'm neighbours with a married couple who have been together for 20 years. I get along with both of them very well but I am at a point where their personal life is affecting my ability to live next to them. They hate each other with a passion, the kid... View more

I'm neighbours with a married couple who have been together for 20 years. I get along with both of them very well but I am at a point where their personal life is affecting my ability to live next to them. They hate each other with a passion, the kids (who are adults now) hate the father despite no evidence of harm or abuse caused and always end up every night arguing or yelling at each other, every night. Whatever love they had 20 years ago is clearly dead. The father never gets a say of what the kids do, never has any potential of being a father. He's just a name on a mortgage. She wants to be doing absolutely everything, she makes the decisions and they must be followed. Most nights, the last words they say to each other is "F you". They always talk about a divorce but the problem is, THEY NEVER GO THROUGH WITH IT. For a couple who go by everything they say, they sure as heck can't be bothered getting divorced. I am now at the point where I have to scream at the top of my lungs "then just do it. Stop cowering and get it done for both of your sakes." I am moving out in a few months due to their personal life affecting everyone in the street. My question is this, for a married couple who really hate each other and never resolve their problems, why don't they get a divorce? It's the one thing they agree on but never want to go ahead with it.

elsbells2 Feeling alone, like the world is impossible and happiness is for the lucky
  • replies: 3

I am struggling with Anxiety (GAD) and Depression. I am the breadwinner at the moment. My husband also works fulltime but I earn the larger salary that pays majority of our bills. I got a really good career opportunity in a coordination role which I ... View more

I am struggling with Anxiety (GAD) and Depression. I am the breadwinner at the moment. My husband also works fulltime but I earn the larger salary that pays majority of our bills. I got a really good career opportunity in a coordination role which I really love but it is very high stress and the only way for me to reduce that stress would be to let go of that role and/ or work part time and earn less (and we are just scraping by each fortnight on bills). Anyway, like I said, I love my job (not the workload) and I really love being a mum. My husband and I have had a rocky relationship over the years. We always struggled a bit with communication and resolving conflict in a peaceful way. Having a baby really made things worse but we have been working on it and trying (we are both fiercely loyal). See the thing is, he also has been diagnosed with depression. He can be really supportive but he can also be very isolating and he can get angry (never hurt me physically). He is not taking medication and not seeing a psychologist (and I have spoken to him about it and he is adamant he doesn’t need that and our fights are nothing to do with that). I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells around him. Today I went into the kitchen to tell him something cute our son did. He was about to do the dishes. I had just been home sick all day and had a rough day and was excited to be spending time with him. He then asked me to leave him alone so he could do the dishes. I quickly tried to organise something (babysitting) after a brief conversation with him and he said I should leave again. I said ok and went to get a drink bottle for my son and he just lost it and got angry and upset. Marched into the bedroom and just lied in bed with his phone. I went to apologise and he just was so upset and angry. This kind of thing is just so bad for our marriage and my mental health is feeling extra low some days because of this relationship eggshell walking and a highly stressful job. I have been so severely stressed for the last months. The thing that matters to me is my family and it feels like we are both on and off miserable with each other. I love him but I do sometimes wonder if it is emotional abuse? He does this kind of thing frequently and then apologises then it happens again and again. I don’t know if I am just overly sensitive, but I feel like I am going in and out of severe depression lately. Advice please

Owlie7 Setting Boundaries in Friendships
  • replies: 3

Hi there, I wanted to post this here to see if someone could offer a new perspective on how to manage a communication issue with a platonic friend/acquaintance. I am feeling hurt that this person will take almost a month to reply to my texts and not ... View more

Hi there, I wanted to post this here to see if someone could offer a new perspective on how to manage a communication issue with a platonic friend/acquaintance. I am feeling hurt that this person will take almost a month to reply to my texts and not acknowledge that there is an issue in this as they will just continue with the conversation. I may be taking this to heart a little too much but I also struggle to accept that someone is too busy to respond when these days most people are on their phones everyday. I want to address this and set a boundary that this is not ok for me and wanted to ask for advice of how to approach this conversation. For context; I have met them through class a couple of years ago. We kept in touch after our class ended and also met in person for a catch up. There was a bit of a lull period of no contact between us but they reached out and we met again in person and periodically keep in touch via text but they will take weeks to respond even though I can see they are active on social media. Initially I just accepted this but it is getting to me because it feels that I am on the end of the priority list for them and I don't understand their motive or if they even see me as a friend. I am happy to go with the flow but I don't want to invest my time in building a friendship if it is going to be one sided. I'm confused because they keep reaching out and doing the same thing over and over. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt as we never know what someone is going through so I asked them if everything was ok as my last text was a month ago. They got back with sorry I was busy. I didn't say it was ok but kept my response short. Now I'm again waiting on a reply. I contemplating either waiting until their reply to say how this is making me feel or just telling them now. Could someone advise on how they would approach this?

Struggling93 Empty inside
  • replies: 12

Hi everyone this is the first time I’ve spoken about this with anyone other than my therapist. About 4 years ago just after we got married my husband and I went through a very rough patch in which we were hardly talking, my husband was always playing... View more

Hi everyone this is the first time I’ve spoken about this with anyone other than my therapist. About 4 years ago just after we got married my husband and I went through a very rough patch in which we were hardly talking, my husband was always playing games on his computer and always angry coming home from work. I would try to talk it out and get him to open up to me but he would never. Shortly after this I became friends with a work colleague this eventually led to an emotional affair which lasted about 5 months. Before it ended sexual text messages were exchanged (never photos) it was never physical but I ended it with him after feeling so disgusted with my actions and behaviour. I couldn’t believe how I acted looking back on it now I don’t recognise the selfish disgusting person I was but it happened. Because nothing physical ever happened I thought if I just turned all my guilt and shame into becoming an amazing wife and person it would be okay, I never told my husband. Few months later we got pregnant and I was so terrified he would leave me I never told him. Again I told myself work on yourself be a better person, go to therapy fix yourself be an amazing wife and mother. We now have two children and everyone is so happy i work so hard making my husband feel like a king and being an amazing mother. Except I feel like an empty shell of a human, I feel like inside I am broken and don’t deserve anything good in this life. I can’t believe how badly I hurt my husband and my family I’m so ashamed in myself. Every time I look at my beautiful children I just cry because their mother failed them so badly before they were even born. I’m am so scared if he finds out he will leave me and my children, my son is only 2 years old and loves him so much only wants him. I feel like I cannot tell him because I know he will leave me and it will tear my family apart, my therapist believes I shouldn’t tell him. My husband thinks I’m some amazing wife but really I’m just terrible person. I cry every single day, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, I’ve lost my appetite to eat and I hate myself so much. Some days I thought if I wasn’t here everyone would be better off, the damage I’ve caused and the hurt I’ve caused is enormous and I don’t deserve my husband or this life I have. I think that If I wasn’t here anymore my husband could just remarry someone else and my children could have someone else worthy of their mother.

Kiag34 Probably need to go (from marriage) but can’t find motivation to do that
  • replies: 5

It can be reassuring to read posts on here that I’m not the only one going through similar struggles. I’m in awe of how people on the surface seem to be getting on with their day but underneath that are having such doubts and troubles. I’ve just been... View more

It can be reassuring to read posts on here that I’m not the only one going through similar struggles. I’m in awe of how people on the surface seem to be getting on with their day but underneath that are having such doubts and troubles. I’ve just been reading posts about divorce. I’ve been married for 17 years and there’s high school aged kids. increasingly it’s become evident our relationship is nearing the end of meaningful connection. We argue, or avoid each other. We used to call each other first with any news or just to chat, now it’s an inconvenience to listen. There’s picking up faults with other constantly- didn’t do the dishes, pick up your shoes or get milk before it ran out. We are frequently away either doing courses or activities which takes away the little overlap of time we might’ve had between shift work. That’s another problem- I work shift work so my work is apparently upsets the family routine greatly, but changing to just day shifts didn’t improve the complaints. My husband told a therapist that I’m like another teenager in the house. Which is rubbish. I don’t yell to make a point and I’d rather explain or ask when a task needs to be done than command as I feel it returns more respect in the long run. 2 of the 3 kids have said outright they think we should get a divorce. Im scared because we have a house (which is paid), vehicles and other assets together. I am scared of starting again financially. Rentals are bloody hard to come by and are pricey. It would seriously dampen my lifestyle. im not happy though. It would be easier apart with no expectations. He’s definitely not happy. Resentment and hurt means both of us don’t feel like being sexually intimate. It’s been a very long time. Things that were once overlooked when we were more in live are now major issues. counselling didn’t help. It seems we have grown apart. We both acknowledge that. I’m not even sure what level of love is left in my tank for him anymore. without a trigger like abuse or affair it feels super hard to make a move and easier to just go through each day than make such a big change. Everyone is telling me that I deserve to be happy but I can’t see that promise yet and really wonder if these troubles are worth sticking with or potentially next partner may come with bigger issues! how did you make a move when u realised there was no point in staying?

kiwiboy0897 Should I Stay?
  • replies: 3

Hello, I have been in a long-term relationship for almost 3 years now. However, there have been lingering doubts about my relationship which come and go. My partner is very genuine, honest and supportive. He is a really great guy, but there is a part... View more

Hello, I have been in a long-term relationship for almost 3 years now. However, there have been lingering doubts about my relationship which come and go. My partner is very genuine, honest and supportive. He is a really great guy, but there is a part of me which wants more in a relationship. We have identified these things and discussed them together. We’ve been trying to work on them, but I still feel the same way. I am afraid that this feeling will not subside, and I would rather let him go and allow us both to move on rather than continue to string him along. To some extent, I am worried that I am settling. There’s so much in my relationship which I value, but some of my needs aren’t being met. There has also been someone who has recently come into my life who I feel has intensified these feelings and made me realise these things even more. These doubts were always there, but I kind of brushed them off. Now, they are not passing by. Thank you in advance for your comments and contributions.

No_Sunshine_Left____ I'm such a bad wife....
  • replies: 5

We moved from Vic to Qld to be closer to family and left all our friends behind. We had a fairly active social life with our friends before moving and it has been an aspect of us moving that both my husband and I sorely miss. In an attempt to make fr... View more

We moved from Vic to Qld to be closer to family and left all our friends behind. We had a fairly active social life with our friends before moving and it has been an aspect of us moving that both my husband and I sorely miss. In an attempt to make friends, I joined a chat site and was general chit chatting to a few people, male and female. One guy suggested we meet up and have a face to face chat (had been chatting for a few weeks at this stage and he played football at the same club as my husband). I didnt feel threatened or at risk when i met him in a local park. My husband was fully aware I was speaking with him but was asleep at the time I met him due to work the next day. I met this guy in the park and he is great, he is someone both my husband and I would be great friends with. As I was rounding up our conversation to head home after a really good first meet, he kissed me. I pulled away immediately and just looked at him. He tried a second time... and I let him this time. I discontinued speaking with this person and havent spoken with him since. I told my husband (honesty is important) and now we are extremely disconnected. My husband doesn't trust me (rightly so) and he cant even say he loves me anymore. We have been together for 15 years and married for 3 years. My husband is my world and I feel like I've broken him - well I know I have! Husband wont speak to me, he insists nothing is wrong, that all is well but its not, I can feel it. Should I leave my husband so he can be with someone more deserving? This would break my heart!! What advice can you guys offer me? I am not getting any emotional love from my husband, he is only interested in sexual love now and it makes me feel like a prostitute.

DirtGirl My Husband betrayed me - I'm still here but hurting
  • replies: 6

My husband betrayed me, not sure if it was a one-night stand or more. We are still together, as I made a commitment. I can't leave, I have nowhere to go, and can't afford to go. He won't talk about it, how I still feel. He walks off every time I brin... View more

My husband betrayed me, not sure if it was a one-night stand or more. We are still together, as I made a commitment. I can't leave, I have nowhere to go, and can't afford to go. He won't talk about it, how I still feel. He walks off every time I bring it up. I just feel so alone, and stumble through each day. He does say that he has tried everything to make me happy, but I am not. I've seen psychologists and a life coach. They helped in a lot of ways but I am still deeply hurt he could have done something like that. I'm in a place I never dreamed of being, and it's horrible. Any ideas of how I can move on, forward, and be happy again?

Dazedandconfused123 Married and falling for someone else
  • replies: 14

I've been with my husband for 20 years (since teenagers). We have a young child together. We've always been the bestest of friends (we were before dating) and had lots of fun together before children came along. However, sex has always been an issue ... View more

I've been with my husband for 20 years (since teenagers). We have a young child together. We've always been the bestest of friends (we were before dating) and had lots of fun together before children came along. However, sex has always been an issue for us. Lately we've been experiencing issues over the last year. More fights, as I guess we are exhausted and not as patient as we used to be. I'm not sure if the pandemic and lockdown exposed some side we weren't used to seeing, or the relentlessness of being parents is taking it's toll. I suppose have started to fall out of love with him. I have no desire to be intimate anymore. He was never one for cuddles or holding hands anyway. I've suggested counselling, which was met with 'i don't think it's needed'. Anyway, which leads me to my dilemma. I have recently become better friends with someone i work with, who I always admired but knew i couldnt 'go there'. But lately our friendship seems to of taken a flirty tone. We text a lot and have had some drinks together, where we just talked and talked and talked. I am falling for him and I don't know what to do. He is also married, so adds further complications to it. He also, might not even feel the same way. I sort of don't want to stop seeing my friend. I'm enjoying the thrill I suppose. I know I should be working on my marriage, but I feel like I'm done, especially seeing as husband doesn't seem to want to discuss with a counsellor. This took a lot to type out. Thank you for reading and any advice you can provide.