Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Duesentrieb Discussing relationship issues on the internet
  • replies: 23

Hi guys, first thank you for allowing me to be here. My wife and I are married since 2000. I discussed some relationship issue in a private, closed FB group that we currently have. Unfortunately she found out and was quite angry about it. Not so much... View more

Hi guys, first thank you for allowing me to be here. My wife and I are married since 2000. I discussed some relationship issue in a private, closed FB group that we currently have. Unfortunately she found out and was quite angry about it. Not so much about the discussion itself. She was more angry about that fact that members of the group could look at my profile and discover her (name, pictures, etc.). What is your opinion about that topic?

Hun What should I do, please help
  • replies: 13

So I am the same person that said about my partner won't divorce his ex, when I met my partner I knew he still have kids living at home, they are adult, one he moved out now we have his daughter she is 22 and her boyfriend 25 living with us, he have ... View more

So I am the same person that said about my partner won't divorce his ex, when I met my partner I knew he still have kids living at home, they are adult, one he moved out now we have his daughter she is 22 and her boyfriend 25 living with us, he have a strong connection with this daughter which is nice, every time I buy anything or move stuff she question that even if I want to buy anything I have to buy something she approve of it, don't get me wrong she is nice and I like her but we all have to pleased her even her boyfriend. They never wash do anything around the house unless they have been asked, they live downstairs they clean it but if the bring a dish they leave it in the sink. My question is should I ask my partner in one year or 2 can we down size so hopefully they move out, I want my own place to do whatever I want, I am tired of watching my steps or move just in case she doesn't like it. Please any advice will be helpful.

white knight Tolerance of other people
  • replies: 17

Hi, This and future threads is devoted to how we, with mental illness, can or cannot tolerate other people. I'd like to talk about family traits. As individuals and family units we all have our negative traits, some tolerable, others not so. Here is ... View more

Hi, This and future threads is devoted to how we, with mental illness, can or cannot tolerate other people. I'd like to talk about family traits. As individuals and family units we all have our negative traits, some tolerable, others not so. Here is one example: A lovely female non blood relative of mine has what I'd describe as a intolerable trait. In fact I've identified this trait in her mother too, so it is something she has inherited. I call it "unintended rudeness" and because it is unintended I should have more tolerance for it...but I dont. While talking to either of them , having a good conversation, they get distracted easily...very easily. Whatever distracts them takes immediate priority over whatever I'm talking about. The things that distract them is - anything! Eg talking away if the postman delivers mail "I wonder if my telstra bill just arrived". Or "have I taken my blood pressure tablet this morning"? "What's the time" and so forth. If I object eg "You're interrupting me" I always get "but I'm listening" or "I'm a woman I can do more than two things at once" however neither person can repeat what I just said leading me to conclude they are not actually listening. This leads to me reacting but not in an argumentive sense...what I do is stop talking immediately and walk away and bury my mind in my interests. Bascially as this problem has been ongoing for a long time I cant be bothered making it a dispute. My point here is that when a problem like this initially arises it is natural to highlight the core of the issue eg Please, if you interupt me or get distracted it's like I'm talking to myself, cant you wait 15 seconds until my sentence is finished"? and an argument begins. At some point down the track you must accept that the trait/flaw cannot be overcome by the person and to prevent any personal damage to your relationship, you need to move on. The intolerable trait might well do permanent damage. Eg My closeness to my relative and her mother is no longer there. I exchange niceties and listen to them when they address me but I know that if I participate in any meaningful discussion the above will occur...100% of the time. It serves no purpose to beat yourself up over matters that you have no control over. But it would also be unwise to categorize all of their character based on one intolerable trait...these people you find hard to mix with are good people, so treat them with love and affection but have an exit strategy. TonyWK

Souper One argument too many
  • replies: 3

Hi all I have just separated from my wife of 29 years. Looking back, I can see that she was just going through the motions. The signs were there. Lethargy and complacency were certainly factors on my part. An argument occurred over a petty little thi... View more

Hi all I have just separated from my wife of 29 years. Looking back, I can see that she was just going through the motions. The signs were there. Lethargy and complacency were certainly factors on my part. An argument occurred over a petty little thing, and the next day that was it. Denial, trying to change her mind, shock, tears and heartache. This is very, very hard. She was wanting and I think expecting me to move out, as I have recently inherited a house in a nearby town with my brother that I could share with him. He is currently living there on his own. When this was suggested to me I responded that I don’t want to separate but have no control over that, I dont

Millie1986 Friendship problems
  • replies: 4

Hi I have a friend who I've known for 3 years now. I'd say we're best friends (never been anything more nor do either of us want to be - we've said to each other, we're like siblings) however its always been a strange relationship. He has his own iss... View more

Hi I have a friend who I've known for 3 years now. I'd say we're best friends (never been anything more nor do either of us want to be - we've said to each other, we're like siblings) however its always been a strange relationship. He has his own issues which I think I have helped him through to some extent. He calls almost every night for a chat... or texts. We are really good at hanging out one on one however he refuses to hang out with my other friends and he won't introduce me to his. I wonder if he's ashamed of me. I've asked him and he's always said that's just how we are. He also makes it very clear that im his last option and I feel a lot that he will always choose to hang out with others rather than me. I get delegated to a walk here or there if he's got nothing else on. I will admit he has helped me out money wise and I'm extremely grateful. Recently he has found a girlfriend and also moved in with 2 flatmates who he spends all his time with. I mostly understand this but he has no time for me at all. I haven't seen him in over a month. I do still get random phone calls and I've told him that I'm feeling a little rejected. He said straight out to me that he doesn't feel bad as he's given me a lot and he is choosing himself for once. Frankly, although I haven't given him money, (though he knows I would if he needed it) I do believe I've given a lot of my attention and been there for him when nobody else has. I told him I'd just prefer his time more than things. The next day he messaged me and tried to give me more things. Its like he thinks that all a friendship requires is for him to throw things at me with very little effort otherwise. Am I being over-sensitive? Am I the problem? Or do I cut him loose? I know there will be a time when he'll call and we'll start seeing each other again but I'm at the point where I know its going to keep happening when he finds someone new and I don't want to keep putting myself through the rejection.

Thelma_k Daughter has mental health issues and is blaming the family
  • replies: 10

Hello. I am looking for some advice. My adult daughter is suffering an eating disorder and has also recently been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. She has had a few admissions into a re-feeding program and is currently there again. Every time I speak ... View more

Hello. I am looking for some advice. My adult daughter is suffering an eating disorder and has also recently been diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. She has had a few admissions into a re-feeding program and is currently there again. Every time I speak with her she won't give me any information which I respect however, at the same time she accuses me for not understanding what she is going through. I have offered to see the psychiatrist and/or the psychologist with her or alone to get more information and strategies to help her but she won't share them with me or allow me to speak to them. She tells me it is all because of everything I've said or done in the past and that I don't validate her feelings. It's not that I don't validate them but at times I must admit she does accuse me of things I've said which I haven't. I am more than open to take on her feedback but not when it's outrageous. I have told her that it may be best I don't be around her at meal time (she tells me I trigger her eating disorder). I should ad that I am a healthy weight but I don't eat large meals as I have a medical condition where I feel better if I eat small meals regularly. She insists I eat a large meal with her but I just can't. She will contact me when she want's something ($) from me or wants me to do something for her (I never accuse her of this but it makes me feel used). I want to help her and I am trying to understand what she is going through. I feel that she wants me to understand but at the same time shuts me out and shuts me down whenever I try to understand. Has anyone been in either her position or my position, I'd love to hear from you. Thank you in advance.

Guest_1573 Constantly Worried About Teenage Son
  • replies: 16

Hi I have a 17 year old son whom I love dearly but who is causing me a great deal of anxiety and stress. He suffers from insomnia and because of this he often misses school. On weekends he refuses to go anywhere and just wants to play on his computer... View more

Hi I have a 17 year old son whom I love dearly but who is causing me a great deal of anxiety and stress. He suffers from insomnia and because of this he often misses school. On weekends he refuses to go anywhere and just wants to play on his computer. I keep telling him that all of that screen time and lack of daylight/exercise is making his issue worse but he just won't listen. He won't do anything I advise. It keeps me awake at night worrying about him and thinking of ways to help him. Needless to say the insomnia has a ripple effect. Where he has gained weight; hates his body and says he doesn't want to be seen as people will think he is fat. For a start he is not that overweight and I try to explain to him that people really aren't judging others constantly. He has hardly any friends and the friends he does have are not good friends. All they want to do is smoke drugs and slack off. His father (whom I divorced 16 years ago) is of little use. He has barely anything to do with my son. My son doesn't really like him much as in the past when he went there there were always issues...his father has anger issues etc. He is also remarried so my poor son is on the bottom of his list of priorities. I have done all I can think of. Taken him to the Dr. Spoken to counsellors at school and via telephone. I am quite sure deep down that if I could get him interested in something other than gaming this could be key. I have suggested gym membership, purchasing a bike for him to go out on; many other things. All to no avail. He is currently asleep (at 11.12 am) and missing school again today. I went to the chemist and bought some medication as I feel desperate. I will wake him at 1pm as he has to go to school tomorrow. He has already had 3 days off and this is only week 3! I despair as it seems absolutely nothing is helping and although I am doing everything suggested unless he takes it on board I am wasting my time. Any suggestions gratefully accepted.

KateHow All you wanna do- the end of the affair
  • replies: 11

This is my first post and I feel very vulnerable and sad so please be kind. I'm already being very hard on myself. I (36 F) have been married for 8 years (together for 13) to a man who is a lot older than I am (25 years older to be exact). We have a ... View more

This is my first post and I feel very vulnerable and sad so please be kind. I'm already being very hard on myself. I (36 F) have been married for 8 years (together for 13) to a man who is a lot older than I am (25 years older to be exact). We have a 5 year old son. Bit of a cliche story I suppose- we've not been connecting well over the last couple of years, largely divide and conquer with parenting, very little physical intimacy. I've been quite unhappy for the past year or so as he has become very critical (and I am quite sensitive to criticism). I feel like I walk on eggshells often and do a lot to appease him and try to make him happy or at least not upset with me. Through a random work connection, I met a man who I instantly enjoyed talking to. It very quickly became an emotional affair. We live in different cities but within a couple of weeks of talking constantly, he made a trip here and it became physical. It was very intense, talk of love, wanting to be together, and offering me a very different life- one with a true partnership. I took a trip to see him this weekend (which my husband believed was a work trip) and I could feel that he was a little bit off- which he vehemently denied. But sure enough, this morning he sends me a text (ouch) to tell me that he just can't cope with the guilt and is ending it. I am SHATTERED. I had already come to the conclusion that I would need to make a decision about ending or staying in my marriage independently of wanting to be with him or not but I truly believed him when he told me that he loved me. I feel so angry and upset and betrayed that I fell for this complete fallacy and feel like all he wanted was a physical relationship. I'm so hurt and it's triggered a spiral of self loathing, of feeling rejected, like I'm never enough, never worthy. I don't have anyone in my life that I could talk to. My best friend would be the one person I could confide in but she has completely cut me off recently. I know she's been struggling with her own mental health and this is how she copes but I feel so alone and like I have no one I can talk to. Everything feels very difficult at the moment thanks for 'listening'

Athenry Little childcare illnesses
  • replies: 7

I just need to vent… I love being a parent and love being married… but. I don’t feel like I get to enjoy time with my family… someone’s always puking or coughing! I have chronic illness so sometimes that’s me. It feels like whenever I notice we’re al... View more

I just need to vent… I love being a parent and love being married… but. I don’t feel like I get to enjoy time with my family… someone’s always puking or coughing! I have chronic illness so sometimes that’s me. It feels like whenever I notice we’re all well, within a few hours someone’s sick. My eldest is coming down with something now, looks like our third bout of gastro since December, which means we’ll probably all get it. My youngest has been coughing for a few days, and for the last two weeks I’ve had a sinus infection. I hope it gets better I just want to feel healthy enough to enjoy life rather than spend every day on tenterhooks not knowing if I’ll get a phone call while at work or be woken by a screaming child just as I fall asleep. I’m not sure of the point of this thread… maybe just looking for solidarity. Now hubs and I have to play the game of who’s-job-is-most-important again.

Tim83 Helpless.
  • replies: 13

Hi all, It's been quite a week on a number of fronts...but the one creating that enormous chasm in my stomach is the fact my wife is requesting we separate after discovering I've been messaging another woman on Linkedin for the past 4 years - with th... View more

Hi all, It's been quite a week on a number of fronts...but the one creating that enormous chasm in my stomach is the fact my wife is requesting we separate after discovering I've been messaging another woman on Linkedin for the past 4 years - with the messages becoming increasingly inappropriate. We've been together over 12 years and married about 10.5. We have 2 beautiful girls, 5 and 4 years old. The messaging commenced on a professional basis, I was providing advice on how she may find work opportunities in our shared field. After a couple of years we continued in contact and I started sending messages suggesting we meet, and saying a few other inappropriate things. I don't really know what I wanted to get out of that. It's true I was interested to meet her. This was in a professional capacity, but at some point the lines became blurred. We never did meet personally, but the damage was done by the messaging which suggested I was very much interested in meeting her - and for the wrong reasons. My wife is a very strong person with very clear moral guidelines around infidelity, cheating etc. Although I didn't meet her, to her it appears I was very much intent on meeting her. In the past week she has said she wishes to separate and has made some initial enquiries with our mortgage broker about how she can look at keeping the house. She has not yet brought it up with family or friends, to my knowledge. I've made an enormous mistake. What I considered to be 'innocent' of 'friendly' chat was anything but. I failed to see at the time the potential for the hurt I could cause. I'm filled with fear and regret right now. Fear that my actions will cause me to lose the most wonderful parts of my life. I'm fearful of only seeing my daughters 50% of the time (this kills me) and fearful of losing my best friend and biggest supporter - my wife. She feels abused that she has spent all this time caring for me and my children, whilst in her eyes I've been playing this cheeky game behind her back. I know she is hurting a lot right now. She is an incredibly stubborn (for lack of a better word) woman and my fear is that her pride would never allow her to reconcile. My pleas are falling on deaf ears. I know at this point it is probably unreasonable for her to be feeling any other way. I thought the past couple of days we were making minor progress, but this morning she confirmed she still intends to separate. I'm feeling incredibly low right now and would like any thoughts..