How can I deal with my partner's pessimistic friends and father?

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there, 

Firstly, my partner and I are in a loving, supportive and wonderful relationship together. I love him dearly and he treats me with respect and unconditional love. We have been together for three months off a year and I feel safe with him. 

Most of his friends are lovely and I genuinely get along well with them.

Although, I am dealing with a bit of anxiety circulating around a few of his friends and his father. 

A few of his friends, two of them, in particular seem to be very pessimistic. I met one at a group dinner very recently and she was really judge- mental. Someone congratulated the fact that I had completed my first year of my university degree and she said "she still has two years yet." in a pessimistic tone. 

She seems very negative and judge-mental. She hits her friends with a handbag when they 'annoy' her. And to me that doesn't seem right, even if it is friendly banter. She is constantly commenting on everyone's decisions. And judging them quite harshly. And it made me feel uncomfortable. I don't know how to communicate to my partner that I felt that she was very judge-mental and pessimistic. 

Another friend of his seems to also be pessimistic. The first time ever meeting me she asked if he was a 'gentleman' in the bedroom...I was shocked! She calls him 'dumb dumb' and touched his personal property - his record player with a record playing on it. And she said in his house "you are not my Dad, you can't tell me what to do!" this was as she helped herself to pulling things out of the backyard shed. 

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THESE PEOPLE? THEY GIVE ME SEVERE ANXIETY. I LOVE MY PARTNER BUT HECK... THESE PEOPLE ARE REALLY CRAPPY FRIENDS. 

My partner has issues with his Father too. His father is constantly rushing him by saying "come on, hurry up. Put on your skates and get going."

I should also point out, both my partner and I are autistic. 

When my partner lived at home, I heard his father speak to him like "YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES, DINNER IS ON THE TABLE!" and "YOU BETTER MAKE YOUR BED TODAY."

It triggers bad memories of my narcissistic mother and now I realize I am severely hypervigilant. How do I deal with all of this?? He rushes us and it gives me anxiety.

[Croix]

Dear PS

It is lovely to see you back, even if it does mean you have problems.

I guess the most important thing out of your whole post is "my partner and I are in a loving, supportive and wonderful relationship together" The rest is chickenfeed.

Sure there are people that specialize in negativity and put-downs, and others who ask questions about the  bedroom no civilized persons will ask. I'm afraid in life you are going to stumble over them from time to time.

You make recognize JJ's lyrics"

"One good man,
It ain’t much, no, no honey it ain’t much,
Oh, it’s only every little thing,
Just-a everything, everything
Ah yeah."

If you get  unduly distressed ask you partner to take your part and hold you back for you

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Hey Croix, how are you? Good to hear from you once again. 

You are correct with what you are saying. 

The friend who hits people with her handbag and seems to judge people quite harshly on their decisions invited me to a pyramid selling thing for Christmas. It felt like her and another friend are only using me to get money out of me. I said I couldn't attend and then 'the handbag' friend messaged me sorta pressuring me and saying 'you can buy things online' 

I think it's a bit rich from these people who hardly know me to try and get money from me. I would rather just meet up with them instead of them expecting to get money from me. 

I feel so angry.

[ecomama]

Hey PF, I think you would rather NOT hang out with them at all tbh lol. 

Yep just like Croix noted, along the way in life you WILL come across people who rub you up the, we say wrong (right?) way? 
I'm saying this because it always exposes something inside of us that is confronting, judgemental etc etc. 

I'm an age older than you lol, so with the benefit of wondrous experiences I say that I wasn't put on earth for other people's entertainment OR for them to use me for my money. 
They will think this and they do try! .... until we put up those boundaries. 

I say straight up "I'm not interested in any forms of pyramid sales, I won't be attending". 
no "thanks for the invite" lol nope. 
No nothing. 

THEN when they try again, you repeat the learnt phrase and repeat it again next time. 
If anyone dares to push for a why? 
I more often than not I leave a "pregnant pause" lol. They can answer themselves if they're smart lol. 
OR 
I say "Because I get to make my own decisions". 

Being firm on what you WILL and WON'T be a part of is part of journey called LIFE! 

Love seeing you back! 
Congrats on your "new" relationship! 
Love EMxxxx

[PsychedelicFur]

The woman who wanted me to go the makeup pyramid selling party was still asking me to go today even though I said I was unavailable to attend. Pressuring me to buy things online from the party. 

She hardly know her. I want deep, meaningful genuine friendships where others understand and respect me. I wrote to her in a sincere way by saying - I hardly know her. And I want to establish a proper friendship. And I feel like she wants me to only attend just to get money from me. 

All she said as a reply was - 'Ok, forget I ever said anything.' 

WHY CAN'T OTHERS JUST BE UNDERSTANDING? I AM SO SICK OF UNEMPATHIC AND RUDE PEOPLE. 

[PsychedelicFur]

People who lack basic human compassion and empathy are severe triggers for my PTSD and anxiety. I try not to associate with these types of people on a regular basis. It brings up old wounds of how my mother would completely disregard my emotions and feelings. ITS TOO MUCH TO BARE! Being a highly sensitive person and feeling things deeply is so difficult and complex. 

[Croix]

Dear PF~

These schemes are cynically designed to enroll people just so those people can then take advantage of their  "friendships" to sell stuff, wiht by far the largest profit going to the company.

Frankly I do not believe this is an ethical way of doing business. What I believe is worse is for people to take advantage of "friendship" to pressure them into buying.

You simply should not do that. Still it has one advantage, if a person under the guise of friendship does try to take advantage of you it s a good way of finding out who is a genuine friend, and who is not.

I've always found that  bluntly saying "No" wihtout saying more has  been the best way. If you say you are busy or some other excuse then that leaves room for argument, they can ask "How about another time?"" or whatever. A blanket NO gives no room for that.

And yes, it can be hard to say that NO, but you get used to doing it.

I guess it takes trial and error but in time you learn who to avoid, there are some kind and understanding people who do make good friends, your partner is one of them

Croix

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello everyone, 

I am going to cut to the chase - My partner is a very sociable and extrovert individual. And I'm quite the contrary. Every weekend or week there is like one or two social events happening and he seems to prioritize social things. And sometimes he makes me feel guilty for not going like; 'I can't go without you' and yet he still goes. It's one social thing after another and I have told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel but he just doesn't seem to listen.  I have tried to explain to him that you don't always have to go out. It's ok to stay in and enjoy your own company but he doesn't enjoy his own company. 

I also think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I think I have been struggling for something for quite a while. I want to get an official diagnosis, sometime early 2023. I always separate good people from bad. I have chronic feelings of emptiness, fear of abandonment, I get easily irritable, I have frequent mood swings, anxiety, distorted self image, agoraphobia, constantly overthinking, needing constant reassurance, getting hypersensitive at criticism or comments and feeling like an outsider. I stay home a lot and it is so hard to live in a way like this. I am rarely living in actual reality. I am living in my seemingly unstable reality. I get frequent depressive or anxious episodes. It's just awful. I need help. It's horrible. I feel like whatever I have, in my mind, is destroying my friendships and relationships. I feel like everyone hates me. I felt like everyone doesn't care about me. It's a dreadful feeling. 

[Croix]

Dear PF~

You are right, depression and anxiety -and PTSD - do make you live in a different and more unpleasant  world.  You are however wise enough to see that , and know that outside of these thoughts, doubts and feelings you are experiencing the world is actually a better place.

Getting a diagnosis next year sounds like a good plan, and trying to deal with how the world feels right now does need support. Apart from wanting ot socialize is your partner supportive and understanding?

I know that acrophobia is one of the things you have to cope with, however do you think it might be possible to compromise wiht your partner, perhaps agree to go out once a week, or fortnight, and to select gatherings without too many people to overwhelm you?

As I'm sure you realise a lot of things depend on your interpretation, if a person leaves your company when you are down you might think that they are unhappy with you. Then again when you are not down you might realise they left for some other reason not involving you at all, and they think you just fine.

Anxiety does feed on reassurance, and my experience is no matter how much you get it is never enough. So getting that diagnosis and treatment may well help reduce that need, which can make the world a different place.

What music are you listening to now? I've just watched Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice danced by 80 year old Christoper Walken - unbelievable, even  if he did have a stand-in for the flying sequences.

I forgot to ask, how is your dad?

Croix