Only child is gay

[Emma_4376]

Hello, I am the single parent of an only child (aged 19) who is gay. I can't find any support while I'm adjusting to this news and no options come up when I google. Is anyone else in the same situation? Thank you.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emma,

Thank you for sharing what's going on for you and your son. We can hear you're trying to adjust to your son's news and you're not sure how to get some support through this. We wanted to pop in and let you know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is here for you, if you'd like to talk this through at any moment with our counsellors. You can reach us on 1300 22 4636, or online here. The team are really kind, understanding and not judgmental, and calls are confidential.

It’s not uncommon for parents and family members to experience a range of confusing emotions (some of which may be negative) when their child or loved one comes out. It’s OK for you to take some time to process your feelings. While having a range of emotions might make this a difficult time for you, remember that coming out is a really hard journey for your child or loved one too. Remember that your child or loved one is the same person they were before they told you, and they need to know you can see that. While it might take some time for your emotions to settle, it’s important that you remain close and supportive, so your child or loved one is reassured that your love for them has not changed.

Beyond Blue does have a "Families like mine" guide that you can check out here. It offers practical advice to families of LGBTQI+ young people. 

We would also like to recommend contacting QLife. They’re a free and anonymous service run by LGBTIQ+ peers for those wanting to talk about a range of issues, helping LGBTIQ+ individuals and those that support them including family and friends. They operate between 3pm and midnight each day and can be called on 1800 184 527 or chat via QLife Online Chat.

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[ecomama]

Hi Emma, warm welcome to the forums. 

Would you like to expand upon your feelings about this news? 

You are welcome to share more, so others can understand things from your perspective more readily, if you want to. 

I have children who are gay, but I'm not sure that I'm "in the same situation" as you though. 
Regardless of this, we are all here to support you with love, kindness and acceptance. 

Until we learn more from you, the only suggestions I have atm is to lean into this. 

Oh I just googled for you lol. 
Up came "family alliance" and "rainbow families" websites. Perhaps they can help? 

Love EM

[smallwolf]

Hello. Guess you were a little surprised when you found out?

Nor sure exactly what sort of support you are looking for exactly. What sort of the information are you looking for?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome 

Adjustment for anything not expected in family or friends can be difficult, it's the unexpected I think.

Like the others I'd like to know more about why you feel the way you do.

Thankyou for your time

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Emma, we have children and hope they take either plan A or plan B but if they decide to take another way forward, as long as it's in the realms of being honest, then we need to support them, because we can't detail what they should be doing, it's their life and although it may be unexpective, then it's up to us to honour their decision.

If you can type this in your browser 'raisingchildren.net.au>LGBTIQ-families' then you may achieve what you are looking for.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Emma,

Thank you for reaching out and welcome to our forums. 
It seems like this news has taken you by surprise, and you might have not seen this coming, am I right here? What are your main worries about this situation? 

My apologies if I am wrong, just trying to understand your feelings. As others said, please feel free to share a bit more so we could try to help. Everyone here is friendly, welcoming, and non-judgemental so hopefully, this will encourage you to share a bit more. 

All good, if you don't feel like sharing, though. In this case, my suggestion for you would be to give yourself time to adjust, especially if you weren't expecting this. If possible talk to your child, hopefully openly, and tell them about your feelings. Not to change their mind, criticise them, or anything negative - nothing like that. Just to simply admit, that you need more time to understand them and their situation as well as their feelings and come to terms with this. Assure your child about your love and willingness to understand and support them. Hopefully, this will be two-way traffic, and your child will repay you with the same love, kindness and support. 

[Emma_4376]

Hi everyone, thanks so much for your words. What I'm struggling with is that he is my only child. When my son was about 5 my husband told me that he had changed his mind and that we would not be having another. I am grieving the loss of how I thought my family life would look, not necessarily the fact that he is gay. Everyone else seems to be able to cope and accept because they have other children and (surely!) one of them will have children of their own and their family will continue to grow. I love him, and I do accept him. But does anyone else have an only child? 

[Learn to Fly]

Thank you for your quick response, Emma,

This might not be the answer you are looking for but maybe it will ease some of your concerns. 

I'm straight but at the age of 19 or even 29, having children was the last thing on my mind. I was curious about life and everything that goes with it. I was in a steady relationship but we just chose to do other things. We do have kids now but only got them closer to our forties. 

I understand what you are saying that he is your only child and you are worried about the fact of how or if your family will grow further with him being gay. But, he is still relatively young, life is still in front of him. And later on, once he finds the partner he wants to spend the rest of his life with, they might decide to have kids. It might not be so straight forward but it is more than possible. 

[white knight]

Hi again Emma,

I respectfully disagree with you on some matters, it's ok, it's good and healthy to see others views so it can help.

If my daughter told me she was gay it would not worry/upset me in the least. I take that view because all my life I have chosen which path I wanted and now it's her life to take the fork in the road that she wants. I love her unconditionally whatever she want to be in her life except of course if she changed and became a tyrant of evil ways and hurt others.

Some mums even go shopping with their gay son in the womens section!! These mums often become their sons best friend, someone they can confide in on any matter.

On the other end there is parents that never forgive their child for choosing a gay way of life. But I would suggest that the only difference to a parent as to their child being gay is that they choose to LOVE another human being but for what ever reason feels more attraction to the same sex. 

Your son needs you desperately, for support, for allowing him not to feel guilty about his choice.

Finally, I was in the Air Force in the mid 1970's, them days we were all against anyone gay and made their life hell. I now know through having bipolar and depression what feeling alienated feels like, it's terrible. Your son will have some opposition to his choices so he needs his mum to endorse his choice.

If and when he find a partner, you will have the same opportunity to love and care for your sons greatest love. I reckon you'll end up loving him also because no matter your difficulty in accepting this, you will always be your sons mum and he'd love you more by letting him be who he wants himself to be.

TonyWK