Not sure what to do

[twolegsjoe]

Hi,

I'm not totally sure how to articulate this so apologies in advance if this is rambly... 

I'm 26, have had depression/anxiety for just about as long as I can remember. Of course, it all ebs and flows, but the highs hardly justify the lows. From an outsider's perspective (and my family's for that matter), I appear to have it pretty good: I have a decent ICT job that pays above average, I have a loving long-term partner of 8 years, have a good head on my shoulders, and people tell me that I'm physically attractive. And yet, the older I get, the more empty I feel.

I've always struggled with emotional control, which I (and my psychologist) would argue i am in better control of now. But internally, I just feel completely lost. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I don't like to leave the house, even though I make myself. I don't really enjoy anything I try to do for "fun", even though I push myself to stay engaged. I have friends who I know care about me (albeit in another state), but I struggle immensely with sincere connection.

Nearly every day I wake up in dread, but try to maintain some semblance of good humour - after all, who would want some mopey person bringing everyone down all the time. I just don't really know what to do with myself. I haven't followed any of my dreams out of fear and lack of quantifiable results (when I was young I wanted to be an artist), and as far as I'm concerned, I'm nothing but a shell of a person. Going to therapy has simply never really gotten me very far (Ive seen at least 4 therapists over the last 10 years, off and on), no matter how hard I try my mind simply cannot overcome the matter. I feel unfulfilled, I feel like nothing.

I'm going for an ADHD diagnosis in a couple of months at the advice of my current psych so fingers crossed this does... Something. Again, apologies for the rambling, but can anybody relate or have any advice? 

[indigo22]

Hi,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can relate to your post on a number of levels, I am now in my 60s and have been dealing with depression for over 50 years.

I am going to take a wild guess here: someone told you years ago that being an artist was not a real job, or something to that effect. Which made you doubt yourself and the validity of your dreams.

It is the most soul crushing thing someone can do to a young person, to take the one thing that makes them light up and cast a shadow over it. This is the reason I went into depression in the first place and I am guessing the same is true for you.

It is your soul urge and if you don't follow it, you will always feel unfulfilled. For me, it was singing. I new at the age of 12 what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and I had all the confidence in the world that this was my destiny until the shadow was cast. I still sang for most of my life, because it was what I was born to do, but I lost the confidence to push myself into a singing career because I was not supported in doing the one thing that I loved.

The older we get, the less risks we are able to take because we can see the consequences of the things that may go wrong. At the very least, you owe it to yourself to follow that passion in your free time, sell your art at markets and when you feel you have perfected your skills, organise your own exhibition and see where it takes you. You have nothing to lose, but you have everything to gain, your sanity, your fulfillment, your joy and finding your light again. You deserve to be who you were born to be and you are still young enough to make that happen.

In a nutshell, my advice is - Go ahead and start to follow your dreams.

Be kind to yourself,

indigo 🎨

[twolegsjoe]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry to hear that you've had to struggle for such a long time, but if it's any consolation, your words are inspiring. 

Perhaps it's a product of the environments I've been raised in, but words of sincere encouragement such as yours have been few and far between - I see this as a major contributing factor to my anxiety around putting myself out there, and around people in general. Would you have any advice on taking my first steps towards overcoming this?

[indigo22]

Hi again twolegsjoe,

I think there are 2 main things we need to do to overcome our obstacles.

The first is to question our own thoughts on a daily basis. For example, your inner dialogue may be "I'm not good enough". Says who? Is that my belief about myself? Or was it a belief that was in instilled at an early age by family, teachers, etc.

Ask yourself what it was that made you want to be an artist in the first place? What was the impetus for that dream? Did you have a clear vision of what that might look like? Did you want to dabble in different types or art to find which one you felt most drawn to? Or did you want to focus on a specific type of art eg. painting, sculpting, drawing?

I tried playing musical instruments during my life, but I just wasn't able to play well, but I could sing so I stuck with what I was able to do naturally.

All types of art are predominantly right brain hemisphere generated. So if you are that way inclined, trying to live a life that is predominantly left brain hemisphere generated (facts, figures, logic, routine etc.) will never be satisfying or fulfilling, there will always be something missing because you are not expressing your innermost need to be creative.

The second thing that is important is to expose yourself to the things you love regularly. Going to exhibitions, joining a local group of like minded people so you feel accepted as a fellow creative. Being out in nature for healing, grounding and inspiration for your creativity. That could be walking or sitting in a forest and taking in the scenery, the ocean, a zoo, a botanical garden etc.

Allow your current job to be the source of the things you need to survive, and allow the things you love to be the source of what makes you thrive.

It has taken me many, many years to learn that our greatest challenges are our greatest teachers. The trick is to figure out what the challenges are trying to teach us. The challenge is to overcome the barriers that are put in our way. If we are born into a family that are all left brain types (like I was and possibly you were), the trick is to break free of the confinement and be true to ourselves. We were born to do what we love, not to do what someone else expects us to do. There is nothing selfish about having your own needs as a priority, we are just so conditioned to believe we are not as important as everyone else that we end up living that way. There comes a time though, when we must make a choice. Do I want to live someone else's version of my life? Or do I want to live my own version? Making that choice boils down to how much or how little you are willing to love yourself.

I think I may have given you more food for thought than you wanted 😅.

Always happy to talk anytime you wish,

indigo

[therising]

Hi twolegsjoe

I think we can go through life tolerating not knowing exactly who we are and how we tick until we just can't tolerate it anymore. Then not knowing starts to feel more like a form of torture than anything else. I believe the ultimate quest is the quest to truly know one's self and, like any major quest, it can come with a heck of a lot of questions

• 'Why do I suffer so much?'
• 'What is my purpose for being here?'
• 'What truly brings me joy?'
• 'Who am I naturally, as opposed to who everyone (including myself) expects me to be?'

and the list goes on.

I found a real game changer comes in the form of the declaration 'I'm sensitive, that's partly who I am. I can sense more than most people I know'. When not everyone can sense or feel a depressing lack of something in life but you can (even if you don't know exactly what that lack's about), it's challenging. When not everyone can sense or feel their own inner dialogue but you can, it's also challenging. And on it goes to all the things you can sense that others can't. It can start to feel lonely at times until you meet with others who can sense in similar ways.

I'm wondering whether the ADHD investigation will pay off. If it turns out you tick a lot of the boxes, it may give you some of the answers you're looking for. For my 22yo daughter, her recent ADHD diagnosis came as a huge relief. While she's sensitive by nature in so many amazing and challenging ways, how dopamine works for people with ADHD helped her make greater sense of certain mental and emotional challenges.

While I'm a gal who'd absolutely love it if someone just showed up at my door and said 'This is exactly who you naturally are, how you tick and these are all the things you'd absolutely thrive on...', it can feel like slow work trying to figure it all our for ourself, gradually, bit by bit. You are officially on the path to finding out, with all your investigation and detective work. It's a shame the 4 detectives you employed (the therapists) couldn't get you any closer to knowing. Perhaps your current one is on the right track.