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Newly separated and struggling

newlife19
Community Member

we just separated after 20 years.

ive moved out, sharing care of 2 teenage children 50/50.

we are extremely amicable... both devastated that we couldn’t achieve our happily ever after..

im one month into the move out and was going okay initially, but now it’s hit me like a tonne of bricks... I miss him so much.

i miss us. And I’m so sad. I can’t stop crying all the time.

im BPD with D definitely rearing it’s head and SCD thoughts coming and going.

im so heartbroken.

i don’t to get back together- that’s not the answer.... I’m just missing him.

we have made efforts to see each other more but I cannot stop the heartbreak from the pit of my stomach and the tears that just keep flowing.

4 Replies 4

WhiteBear
Community Member
I’m currently going through a separation myself. I certainly understand what you’re going through. I’ve been grieving on/off for sometime now. What’s made it difficult for me is the fact that we’re unable to afford living separately. Fortunately it’s been an amicable split also so we’ve been able to make it work (except for the occasional day).

What has helped me to move on has been regular meditation. I use the time to visualise a future event where I’m truly happy. For example this could be seeing your children laughing, or holding hands with the love of your life while you walk along a beach.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve. The important thing is to not let this extend too long, where it starts to seriously impact your emotional wellbeing. Meditation and hypnosis are amazing techniques to try. There are a number of guided apps available to try. Alternatively there are a lot of resources available on the internet, or try a local meet up group.

I know it’s difficult to think of doing this now, but setting yourself some future goals can also assist. I would recommend including images of these goals in your meditations as well, and try to include the heightened emotions you would feel if these events came true. If you get really good at this it will only be a matter of time before these events start to manifest. I know it will!

Hope that helps.

WB

Hi, welcome

Yes, been there. 3 past relationships each lasting over 7 years. My first marriage last 11 years and the whole time I was emotionally abused. That led to my suicide attempt. After I survived that, I had to leave the family home and that meant leaving my daughters 7&4 yo. Heartbreaking. BUT after 8 weeks of sorrow it all changed - Distraction!

I purchased a block of land, spent my time there clearing it for a kit home I then built. I also worked 3 jobs. I didnt have time to feel sad.

Try to find a distraction, sport, hobby, more friends. Fill your life with activity.

google

Beyondblue Topic the best praise you'll ever get

Youtube Maharaji sunset

TonyWK

Thank you

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi and thanks for coming to the forums.

I've been done that road too and no it's not a pleasant feeling, although it's always been amicable, but that doesn't mean it hurt me so much, I can't say how my wife felt although she filed for divorce, and now after almost 20 years being apart, she is the one who I feel wishes she wasn't in the position she is today.

What you want is for the pain to go away, to stop you from hurting but that is not what your mind wants, you need to know when NOT to trust what it tells you, so what you need to do is diminish their presence in your thoughts and your lives, slowly but surely, however, your mind wants to do the opposite.

You have to remember why you have broken up, that's the reason why all of this is happening, so please don't punish yourself.

I still love my ex and she really cares for me but we couldn't live together again after 25years of being married, it would be impossible.

We can't change and take everything back to the past, sometimes we only wish that could happen, other times we are glad to look forward to the future, just know that you can still communicate with each other if that's what you want, but realise the 20 year partnership is over.

Take care.

Geoff.