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Mother's "Love"

Community Member
Hi all, I'm not sure how to write about this, but basically ever since I was born I have been treated like a disappointment to my mother. She can be very loving one minute, but extremely volatile the next. Whenever I've said/done something she 'disapproves of', she basically shuts me out and refuses to communicate with me at all. She then gets my dad and brother on her side, and acts like nothing has happened, and that I'm just sensitive and can't handle a bit of innocent banter. I'm 29 years old and have only just recently come to terms with this toxicity, after a whole lifetime of believing that I was the cause of my severe depression/anxiety. It's almost like there's an extreme hate she has for me, no matter what I do in life - which has been very little, thanks to her controlling ways. She has made me feel ashamed of myself and hate myself, and made me feel like I can never stand up for myself, no matter the situation (yet tells me how stupid I am that I can't stand up for myself against anyone else). I have no self-esteem and feel like I don't deserve to be happy. If I ever try to confront her about anything that has upset me about how she has treated/treats me, etc. she instantly turns on BOTH the guilt/manipulation AND changes the topic faster than you can click your fingers. It's quite a skill to be able to turn your own bad qualities around so that nothing is ever your fault. I have been living out of home for the past few years and have met an amazing guy who I am now engaged to, but my mum is obsessed with me getting a job closer to home so that she can come over more often (she apparently "doesn't know how to drive out all that way") and cook and clean for me and the children that we will one day have. I am getting to the point where I don't want her to have anything to do with my life, my upcoming wedding, my marriage and anything in my future. I am in therapy, but it is going to be a very long process to unravel the lies she has made me believe. I am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and if they have been able to recover from all of this. Thanks!
1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion


Thanks for your post.

it can be so heartbbreaking that the one person you seek love and approval from turns you away with harsh criticism.

If you feel comfortable being away from you mother , maybe you sho7ld keep those boundaries.

Your wedding is about you and if your mum will make you feel unhappy I think maybe giving her a small role if you can cope with that.

it sounds like she maybe playing games and I wonder what how her mother treated her.

If people are toxic we need to be strong and Kok after yourself.

I think everyone in this situation copes in a way that suits them. I have known people who have cut off ties with a parent they find manipulative and who makes them unhealthy.

Others may just all ow the parentnwho upsets them in a small,part of their life.

Thanks for reaching out.