New to this amazingly supportive forum

[Lazlo]

Hi. I've been reading this forum for a few days now and am really touched by the support everyone has for each other. It's great to think there are people in the world who genuinely care about complete strangers. It's inspired me to post about my situation.

I'm 41 and my 15 year relationship with the love of my life has just ended. I was certain that we would be together forever, so I'm completely shell-shocked right now. It's been a couple of months now but I've only really begun to accept it in the last week or two. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for about 10 years (that's when it was diagnosed), on and off medication during that time. It is the biggest factor in my partners feeling that she can't be with me any longer.

So, I'm faced with the prospect of starting from scratch. I don't have a job and haven't really worked for almost 8 years. It's hard to picture a situation where an employer would bother considering me for a position. I lost contact with my friends years ago and don't put myself out there, so making new ones seems impossible.

I just feel like things are hopeless. I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to make the changes in myself necessary to get back on track. I really want to be the person I know I can be. I've been him before so it's in me somewhere.

I've started seeing a new psychologist, but it's a challenge opening up to her. It's hard not to see her as a stranger I've only known for 4 hours. And now the appointments are on the phone which makes it harder. I feel that the anonymity of this forum will help me be more open and I can get a bit of the support I need.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Adrian

[geoff]

Hi Adrian, good to hear back from you.

Those months in denial can forbid us from wanting to realise how we actually feel, it doesn't allow us to think objectively and maybe that's part of this illness that prevents us to get better, unfortunately, that's what happened with me.

Can I ask whether something else has affected her to make this decision, which may be overcome?

Take care.

Geoff.

[Lazlo]

Hi Geoff,

Sorry for such long delay replying to you. I've been trying to get my head around the answer to your question.

My partner was going through a particularly tough period at work last year. Big work load, a number of staff with very challenging personal issues, constant frustrations with her boss. She said she didn't feel she could lean on me for support. That I was distant and not there for her. The heart-breaking thing is that's true. I see now that I got into a very lazy, comfortable rut. I wasn't supportive of her when she needed it.

I hate myself for letting that happen. It has cost me everything. The most troubling part is that if she doesn't see a future for us, then she doesn't believe I can change.
I feel I can, but that is based on optimism (and desperation). She is very insightful about me and my personality. And has seen me practically every day for 15 years. I can't stop myself thinking that what she feels about me is true. I feel like a sinking ship.

[blondguy]

Hi Adrian!

There are no expectations for you to post back to anyone so no apologies are necessary at all :-)...If we didnt have members like yourself the forums would cease to exist! You are very proactive by mentioning 'Working on the things necessary to get back to being the strong, more confident and (in my opinion) worthy person I have been in the past"...and yes this is the person that your partner fell in love with

You are not a sinking ship Adrian and please dont hate yourself for being distant at the time...Can I ask why you felt distant at the time when your partner needed you last year? (Please ignore my question if its inappropriate)

Its great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue family Adrian!

my kindest

Paul

[jax_in_my_heart]

Hi Adrian

I'm glad you are getting some support here at Beyond Blue, it is a great and supportive network.

For my own two cents, I don't think you should lose faith in yourself - you say that she is insightful about you and your personality, which is fair, but that's the old you. The new you, which you are working on every day, still may have the capacity to surprise her. I am not suggesting you should hold out hope for the relationship getting back on track, because she sounds pretty firm, but have hope in yourself and your potential to achieve new things.

Also just asking, in your original post, you said you had fallen out of contact with your old friends. Well, in the age of social media, it is pretty easy to find people again. You could always reach out, and say you realise you lost contact, were thinking of them and hope they are well? Time often heals old rifts. And old friends will often step up and help if they can.

It is so hard to move on from a relationship that you truly felt love, but it is possible, and sometimes even to find love again. The key thing is to remember why this relationship failed so the next one does not. All the very best with it.

[Lazlo]

Hi jax,

Thanks for the kind words and the support.

Your comment about the new me made me realise that I shouldn't be trying to make myself the way I was, but focusing on new version of myself which draws from the best aspects of how I used to be. And learning from my mistakes and drawing from the insight I have gained into myself. I like who that person would be 😊 It's a tough journey but I have access to a lot of support. Thank you again for your reply 🤗

I had considered exactly what you suggested as a way to re-esetablish contact with my friends. Not sure if it's fair to them if I'm in this mindset.

Take care,

Adrian

[Lazlo]

Hi Paul,

Another delayed reply. Seems to be a pattern with me 😉

I guess distant maybe isn't the correct word. Inattentive maybe. I got into a comfortable rut. I didn't do the things I should have done to help my partner after a tough day at work. I got lazy and took her for granted. It's something I never thought I would do. I wasn't proactive in doing the things I needed to do to change my situation. Her support and attempts to get me going never resulted in me doing anything. But after so long, it got to the point where she'd had enough. She needs to focus on herself.

I don't know how to get through this. I'm being pushed into a life I don't want. I don't want the relationship to end. I don't want to leave our home.

People have gone through this exact situation. I don't know how they survived it.

Take care,

Adrian

[ecomama]

Hi Adrian,
I am new to this forum too. Your words have resonated with me.

Lazlo said:

"I guess distant maybe isn't the correct word. Inattentive maybe. I got into a comfortable rut..... it got to the point where she'd had enough. She needs to focus on herself."

I am taking time for myself too in my relationship. I am too stressed atm and need time out. The relationship is too much. Providing this space for your ex partner is a kindness to her and you right now.

"I don't know how to get through this. I'm being pushed into a life I don't want. I don't want the relationship to end. I don't want to leave our home."

This is very sad. My heartfelt sympathies for your loss. I know this feeling of heartbreak all too well.

At the same time this reminds me of a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. The lovely warm cocoon of a nurturing relationship and being forced to fly into an unknown world. It can seem cold and scary but my truth (in hindsight) is that it has been exhilarating and exciting. I felt like I wouldn't even be able to walk the path. But I have, stumbling at times, getting up again. Looking back at the obstacles I overcame which were monstrous indeed.

At the ending of my (too long) marriage a number of years ago, I pondered and agonised over the lighter person I used to be before the horrid marriage. I know your experience was opposite.

But recently I have shed the need / desire / want to be the person I was before. I REALLY want to use my experiences to turn me into a far more powerful human being. What's the point of being old hey? I am ALOT older than you btw lol.

"People have gone through this exact situation. I don't know how they survived it."

They probably didn't know how either. Not at the time. I didn't. The one habit I had to shed was looking too far forward into the future. It's a hard habit to break which I'm still working on.
Now I only want to see opportunity. I actually want the love of my life to be me. I want to learn how to love myself, not in a vanity way but in an appreciation way.

I have had a 'new' relationship for several years but am taking a break for the reasons your partner gave you. We do not live together. I love him dearly and don't want to be with another person. I have recognised compassion fatigue in caring for him so deeply. I have children out of home and still at home to care for also. He desperately wants marriage and I desperately don't! lol... But where there is life, there is hope.

[Looking_for_balance]

Hi there Lazlo,

Not sure if you are still checking this forum - I am on the other side of your story - I am the partner, asking their partner for support, and also to help himself and seek help professionally. I am wondering if (and this may not be appropriate to ask) in hindsight, what could your partner have done to encourage you to seek help, before deciding to leave? I would dearly love to know, because the thought of leaving breaks my heart - but I am also emotionally exhausted, and am feeling hopeless, and taken for granted. Any insights?

[Juliet_84]

Hi Adrian,

I’m glad that you have found a GP who you feel you can talk to and you’ve now also found us here 🙂 I separated from my partner of 16 years a few years ago and didn’t know how I would cope either. I had a job but I also had a lot of emotional roadblocks that made me feel as though I couldn’t move forward. But I did move forward, because I had to. The whole thing felt overwhelming and scary but I did it, and then I realized that it wasn’t as overwhelming and scary as I thought it would be. And then it became my new normal/comfort.
As you mention, you are being forced into a situation that you didn’t want. It might not be what you want but maybe it’s what you need to get you out of this rut - as the saying goes, necessity is the mother of all invention. I have no doubt that you are more than capable of these things, your biggest obstacle will be yourself. I can see some of your negative thoughts at play in your post “It's hard to picture a situation where an employer would bother considering me for a position.” - you don’t need to picture it, just keep trying. It may take you a few knockbacks but I assure you, eventually someone will take you on. The same goes with the friend issue. You’re right, making friends will be impossible if you don’t put yourself out there, so you need to put yourself out there. I recently moved to a new city where I know no one and I joined a social sports team, have joined bumble for friends, and have now made some good friends from there. I also have social anxiety so was pretty apprehensive about the whole thing, but the funny thing is that my social anxiety is now a lot less because I have done it enough that I’ve gotten used to it. I know that everything can seem a bit overwhelming at the moment so maybe just focus on applying for jobs right now, which is more of a pressing issue. And then you can focus on the friend issue a bit later on, you could also meet some at work. If you’re worried about your lack of work experience or are finding it a barrier, you could always look at doing jobs on Airtasker, might give you enough to put on a resume. I know everything feels hopeless at the moment, but you are only 41. Please don’t sell yourself short, you can do this xxx