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New to this amazingly supportive forum

Lazlo
Community Member
Hi. I've been reading this forum for a few days now and am really touched by the support everyone has for each other. It's great to think there are people in the world who genuinely care about complete strangers. It's inspired me to post about my situation.

I'm 41 and my 15 year relationship with the love of my life has just ended. I was certain that we would be together forever, so I'm completely shell-shocked right now. It's been a couple of months now but I've only really begun to accept it in the last week or two. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for about 10 years (that's when it was diagnosed), on and off medication during that time. It is the biggest factor in my partners feeling that she can't be with me any longer.

So, I'm faced with the prospect of starting from scratch. I don't have a job and haven't really worked for almost 8 years. It's hard to picture a situation where an employer would bother considering me for a position. I lost contact with my friends years ago and don't put myself out there, so making new ones seems impossible.

I just feel like things are hopeless. I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to make the changes in myself necessary to get back on track. I really want to be the person I know I can be. I've been him before so it's in me somewhere.

I've started seeing a new psychologist, but it's a challenge opening up to her. It's hard not to see her as a stranger I've only known for 4 hours. And now the appointments are on the phone which makes it harder. I feel that the anonymity of this forum will help me be more open and I can get a bit of the support I need.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Adrian
18 Replies 18

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Adrian

Welcome and thankyou for your super kind thread topic (compliment)

I am sorry that your long term relationship has ended....You would be experiencing pain and anguish at this time...I remember and understand what you are going through Adrian...and this would be a horrible time for you....(understatement of the decade)

Just my very humble opinion about you being strong enough to make the necessary changes in your life Adrian. You have showed great strength by reaching out as well as you have....That makes you an amazing person!

You have also been proactive by having seen a psychologist as well..even though for 4 hours..Psychologists aside....can I ask if have given any thought to talking with your GP in this difficult time? ...They are also a lot easier to contact when we need to vent/discuss the pain we are going through

Just a note....the forums are a rock solid safe and non judgmental place for you to post

Thankyou for speaking from the heart Adrian

my kind thoughts

Paul....(Beyond Blue Volunteer)

Lazlo
Community Member

Hi Paul,

Thanks for the welcome and the kind words. I have spoken to my GP a lot recently. I've being seeing him for about 3 or 4 years and we have a good relationship. I feel very comfortable talking openly with him.

I'm feeling good about the positive effect being on this forum will have.

Thanks again.

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Adrian

good on you for speaking to your GP.....Ive been seeing my GP every 6 weeks for a 'fine tune' and having a doc that understands us is a huge help....Is it okay to ask what you want to do for work?

I hope that you have a couple of people that you can lean on in this difficult time..I have two friends that I can talk to about my own anxiety issues....This is a rocky road. You mentioned that the depression/anxiety/on and off the meds was a big factor with your partner not being with you any longer...I have also been in the same situation as a result of my own anxiety and depressive issues Adrian..(with a partner that has left me)

Are you still able to communicate with your partner...in any way? (just asking to provide better support Adrian)

I feel your pain....we are here and listening

Paul

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Adrian, can I also join Paul in welcoming you to the forums and understand that it does take courage to post a comment.

To lose the 'love of your life' is truly upsetting but something I can relate with, especially hoping and expecting to be together for the rest of our lives.

The reason my x-wife left me is again no different plus I was self medicating with alcohol so in hindsight I can't blame her, but that didn't make it any easier and I was about 46 years old.

Once we parted ways, my depression lifted and that's not to say she was causing it, because I don't blame her at all, sure, married couples have their differences but like you, I was shell shocked, never ever expected this to happen.

The most painful place to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you love, but perhaps doesn't understand all the issues associated with a mental illness.

Please feel free to ask any questions you want.

Take care.

Geoff.

Lazlo
Community Member

Thanks for the reply Geoff. And for sharing part of your story that seems to mirror what I'm going through quite a bit. It's reassuring to hear from people who have managed to get through something this painful. It's hard not to blame myself, but I need to use this to focus on making the improvements I need to make to myself.

Paul -

Due to my current work/financial situation and the lockdown my partner and I are still living together. We have a pretty good relationship still. I don't want to lose her as a friend. We are able to talk to each other which is great.

Work-wise, my training and interests are in horticulture. I used to work at a nursery that grows seedlings of deciduous trees. The people there were great which made the hard work more enjoyable. Particularly the cold, rainy days.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey Adrian, thanks for getting back to us, and I'm the same as you, wanting to keep in contact with my ex-wife which does happen.

She was the love of my life but I have ben able to move on, even though she is living with another chap.

For you to be involved in horticulture is a great choice, but you shouldn't blame yourself, 'it takes two to tango' and know the circumstances of the support needed in a marriage or a relationship and realise that when something happens might not be appropriate for their spouse or partner.

Best wishes and please we'd love to hear from you because at the moment you're at the cross-road.

Geoff.

Lazlo
Community Member

Hi Geoff,

The last couple of days have been much better for me. The weather here in Victoria is improving which means I can get out in the garden. That's always good for the soul.

The cross-road analogy is one that I feel is really appropriate for me when things are particularly dark. An easy, smooth path in one direction, but that's "the easy way out" (not something I ever thought would be this prominent in my mind). The path leading to where I want to go seems practically impossible to travel down. I just need to focus on whatever progress I can make, no matter how small it seems. I feel like I'm in a better head-space today than I have been in for days.

Take care.

Adrian

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hey Adrian

I didnt know I was speaking to a horticulturalist? Great occupation....excellent! Thankyou for taking the time to reply too! It is great news that you are both living 'under the same roof'..and have mutual respect happening too

Just a polite question if I can Adrian....do you think there is any slim chance of a reconciliation with your partner? ....just asking..if thats okay

respectfully yours

Paul

Lazlo
Community Member

Hi Paul,

Sorry for the delay replying.

The explanation from my partner of the reasons for ending the relationship don't leave me with hope of a reconciliation. And honestly, I think it might be better for me now that I've come to accept that more. I had a couple of months in denial. Fighting for the realtionship felt like all I had to keep me going. I need to focus now on myself. Working on the things necessary to get back to being the strong, more confident and (in my opinion) worthy person I have been in the past. That's also happens to be the man she fell in love with. So... you never know...