Lost

[Bookworm_01]

So a few months ago i separated from my boyfriend i was living with, it felt mutual but also not. I brought up issues one night that i was having about not connecting and wanting to spend more time together and he kind of blamed it on not liking the same things and said i wasn't social enough... anyway i moved back home an hour away from where i lived with him. But the friends i had are back there and were his friends girlfriend etc.

I feel isolated and alone. I've attempted to reconnect with old friends but have been finding it hard to communicate or plan events with them. I've also reached out to the friends that i kept while i moved away but feel as though they have no time for me. I'm sick of putting myself out there to plan events and getting nothing in return. I will message people and they will have plans but they never reach out back to me. I continuously put myself put there and get rejected and it makes me not want to put myself out there anymore. I go days without talking to anyone.

I'm tired of feeling so alone.

[Juliet_84]

Oh bookworm, I’m so sorry. It can be so hard to feel as though you’re all alone in the world. I purchased a house and moved away from my home two years ago with my partner. But it has become increasingly obvious that he is a pretty bad alcoholic and so I find myself in a similar situation as you. The only way out of it I see is to make new friends and so I have thrown myself into that. I’ve taken up an indoor sport that I play a few nights a week and have met people there. I also joined bumble (for friends not dating) and have met someone through there. Some people don’t “stick”, it can be hard turning new friends into permanent friends sometimes but I persisted and have found some good friends now. I also got a dog who I love dearly and I now never feel alone. He also forces me to get out and go for walks and I have a lot more interactions with people. It’s also important to learn to enjoy your own company, whether that means going out for breakfast to the cafe alone or the movies, its important not to stop doing things just because you’re on your own. And then when you’re settled and happy with your life and ready to start dating again, you will have a lot more success because you aren’t just settling for the first person who comes along because you are lonely. That has been my past experience anyway

[Croix]

Dear Bookworm.01~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good move on your part as there will be others here who have been in the same situation. You may read some of their accounts here, even talk with them and see what they did.

I'm afraid that while you might be a generous loving person who naturally wants to spend your life with your boyfriend, in actual fact the same feelings do not appear to have been returned. Instead he appears from what you say to need a group of friends, not just one person. That accounts not only for him spending less time with you than you would expect, but also his saying you did not share the same likes and are not as 'social'.

His group of friends would have made you welcome I expect while you were with him, and thus part of them. But when you left him you also became parted from htat group.

As a result they seem less warm and close - puzzling , hurtful but sadly to be expected.

Trying to bridge that gap may not be possible (sorry to be blunt) unless maybe there was one special friend with whom you not only go on but they sought you out too.

May I suggest to devote your social activities to other areas and see what develops?

Please let us know how you get on, you are not alone

Croix

[Bookworm_01]

Thanks for responding Juliet. I'm sorry to hear about your similar situation. after reading a few other posts the bumble friend option does seem like a great source to find friends. I like that you said it can be hard to turn new friends into permanent friends, because that's definitely what i'm finding now. I often wonder if it's my personality that drives people away. I've found it hard most of my life to keep friends. I am a naturally friendly person but friends don't stick. I wish i was more of a sporty person to join a team (i've attempted this in the past bad idea!). I think what makes the situation worse is that i can see the look on my mums face as she tries to get me to go out with friends and i then have to tell her all the reasons people give me as to why they can't go out with me. I drag myself out of bed most days only so that i don't have to deal with the judgement from my parents for stayign in bed when thats exactly what i want to do.

[Bookworm_01]

You're right i shouldn't have expected to have the same sort of group for myself when in reality they weren't really mine to begin with were they?

luckily i have 2 friends that have kept in touch and reach out occasionally. however, i find it difficult when i see them out with my ex and their whole friend group doing things that i use to be apart of. It's making the adjustment really difficult and i feel like i should have made progress already because we broke up 4 months ago.

[geoff]

Hello Bookworm, it may be good having these 2 friends, but you aren't sure what questions they will be asked by your ex as well as the other friends that could be in your favour, detrimental to you or questionable and whether the truth will be known.

The life you are living is yours to develop and the pressure your parents are putting on you only makes it harder for you to know what to do, none of us know when we will meet someone who could become our friend, so don't try and aim for this too quickly, it will happen.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Bookworm.01~

Maybe your mum has not come to realise there is no time limit on grief, everyone is different. What is 4 months!

Perhaps if you plan things so you see your 2 friends away from their normal crowd it would seem better, however better yet just be you and wait for events to change themselves.

You are still the same person with just as much to offer another as you did before. It just takes someone to see that rather than being preoccupied with themselves

You did say "I am a naturally friendly person but friends don't stick", I think you are making a basic mistake (sorry about that 🙂

There is a huge difference between true friends and acquaintances. Most in life you meet are in fact acquaintances. Maybe necessary for company at times, pleasant to be with, but no depth of feeling or commitment. Friends are another matter, reliable and caring. They are very hard to find. You can't look for them, if you are lucky a few will appear in your life.

You are a person that takes relationships seriously -values them. That is a wonderful way to be (even if it does lead to hurt at times) and your friendship once given would mean something.

It's tempting to stay in bed, maybe your mum is doing you a favor, in bed the world will not change and that's a depressing thought.

I hope we talk some more

Croix

[Juliet_84]

Hi bookworm,

Yeah give bumble a go, nothing ventured nothing gained right 🙂 I also found it easier because you knew that everyone on there was looking for friendship. That being said, it is definitely still very hard to establish long-term friendships, most people I speak to have that issue and it takes a lot of work from both sides (as I’m sure you’ve found out). Like you, I’ve found it hard most of my life to make friends, I just don’t seem to connect with most people but when I do, I do! It’s funny, I often lamented that I hadn’t found my “thing”, my hobby that made me happy or I could go and do to de-stress after a days work. I considered surfing but I’m afraid of sharks, tried pottery but it wasn’t for me, and then I remembered that I used to play sport when I was younger. I found an indoor sports centre near me and a great little community and haven’t looked back. My advise is just to keep trying things until you find something that you enjoy. For some it might be a gym class or Pilates or a walking group. It will give you a good social outlet and also structure so you will be forced to interact with people on a regular basis. That’s my two cents 🙂