Need Guidance 🙏🏻

[Mum3]

Hi, 

so I have been with my Partner for 21 years, I love him with all my heart, but he has a drug and alcohol addiction and it’s starting to put a strain on our relationship, we have 3 teenage Children and he is an amazing Father works hard. But I don’t want this for my life or my Children’s I’ve tried saying this to him numerous times and he says he will stop but never does and has told me that he just wants to live and enjoy his life! But it always ends with him having no money and depression and anxiety and it’s a constant trauma for me now as I am always worried something will happen to him! As I have been through this with two Brothers who have both died and he knows this! I want to be happy but I didn’t want to lose him. But this isn’t the life I want. Plus the home and everything is in his name so I have nothing not even any money as my Daughter has bad anxiety problems so she struggles to leave the house , so I can’t work. What do I do and how would I start my life over plus the heart ache of leaving him??

[blondguy]

Hi Mum3

Welcome! and thankyou for being a part of Beyond Blue too!

I understand your post Mum3. 21 years is a long time yet as you mentioned above "I dont want this for my life or my children's"  

My sincere condolences for the loss of your two brothers due to similar circumstances. This is so tragic especially when your partner is aware of your loss and has done nothing to address his addictions.

It takes courage to post on the forums and kudos to you for having the strength to do so. Unfortunately your partner's addictions will likely continue to take priority (in his mindset)  unless he engages in regular counselling

Mum3, you have answered you own question as per your and your children's happiness is concerned.

* Can I ask if you partner has refused to seek assistance/counselling for his addictions?

* Can you help me help you with your daughters anxiety...Does her anxiety effect her ability to function on a 

   day to day basis?

Forgive me for the questions Mum3. I am only trying to help you more effectively.

Your privacy is paramount on this forum (and myself as a volunteer)

my kind thoughts for you Mum3

Paul

Senior Volunteer

[just-a-Dad]

shoot, i know this one.

he wants to give up but he doesn't at the same time.

he wants to give up for the people he loves, but not for himself.

he is carrying a huge pain inside of him, and you may not even know the full extent because he doesn't want to burden you.

its not part of him is already dead, an important part of him never lived. (childhood)

im sure he already knows but, make him his fav meal and get your daughter with anxity to help with it.

enjoy the food, laugh and interact; when your daughter runs off to her i-pad after dinner talk about her in a posity light, slow the conversation down and gently voice your concerns about her potentionl being restrickted (but take some blame aswell) tell him you kneed his help with bringing the family unit into harmony.

let him know you understand his is addicted and its ok, as a team you can accopmplish more.

(he will probably always need a substance of some kind) try to formulate a plan to reduce the amount and type of fix ie lesser dangerous substance.

make sure he knows you are aware he will have setbacks and thats ok because you are there for him (team work) dont let the world know he is trying becaude he is already ashamed.

dont start the theropy on substance abuse because thats not the reason.

complex truma is probably the reason.

Blue knot will give him 45 mins free councelling a week, without a referal or any payment, hang on a sec ill find the number 1300 657 380.

this kind is the sadest because, its what happens to a loving caring man who sufferd somthing terrible early in life.

he will always need some kind of outlet in life,

but together you can change what it is.

[Mum3]

Thank you so much, and I could not agree with you more, I love him so much and always tell him no matter what I am here to support you. But when he is under the substance he keeps making bad mistakes that are hurting and breaking me, it could be flirting with other much younger women on social media or just doing silly things and he forgets also as he gets so wasted! I sometimes wonder if deep down it’s me he is so unhappy with so he drowns himself in alcohol and drugs, but he will tell me it’s not me that he loves me! But does he truly love me I really don’t know, especially with these few online interactions with these women! But he tells me he does stupid things when he’s under the influence and regrets it! I’m so confused .

[just-a-Dad]

if he didn't Love you, he would have left before now, 21 years and still comes home to you.

All Men have the tendency for cheating, most don't when they are in a committed relationship.

substances breaks down people's defense's, and then with men our other head takes over, the fact that its much younger woman is more evidence of missing something in life most had, in saying that it will be something from when he was really young. he may be sub consciously trying to compensate even thou he would have been much younger than these woman when he had the trauma.

he has an urge to be young again.

do you mind telling me a bit of his background?

[just-a-Dad]

ALSO, dont forget its normal for you to be feeling unsure and unloved atm.

you are human aswell

[Mum3]

Thank you so much for the support, and to hear from another Man’s perspective is really helpful. So His Parents were a lot older when they had him, they both coming from European Countries, he never felt he was good enough, they were super strict and he could never live up to his Sisters standards of being high achiever in her academics, he ha always been smarter with his hands as in building things, labourer and teaching himself a lot as his Father was a lot different from him.

other than that I don’t know anything else that happened in his child hood only that he rebelled a bit but not in a super bad way just wanting to be himself, I am 2 years older than him and we had our first child when he was 21 and I was 23!

But I have never ever stopped him from going out with his Mates on weekends and living his life and having fun.

i have always loved and supported him, always forgiven him for his mistakes. 
When I confronted him about this last Girl he was chatting too, He told me he wants out that he loves me but his had enough.

im so numb I just didn’t really say anything as was so drunk and high.

And the next day just went back to normal like nothing happened and was showering ne with affection.

im so confused and don’t know what to do.

im scared to leave as i have nothing in my name but I also know he’s struggling and dont want to leave him like this it’s such a hard situation!

you are extremely kind for helping me through this.

Thank you 🙏🏻

[just-a-Dad]

he doesnt know how to except true love, he was never shown it as a child.

he can still learn it but it may be sub conscious for him.

he believes you love him but he doesn't know how to confirm it in his mind, he doesn't even know that its happening to him.

he properly never had someone say they are proud of him, and he is not sure how to except unconditional love.

he defiantly has complex trauma and doesn't know it.

this is why its so sad.

he is tiered and trying to capture missing affection, but you are also tiered.

you need to be strong, tell him you really love him but we need to work this out or its over.

tell him you understand his struggles and are willing to make a big effort if he does.

let him know it is time, and now im going to help you be the MAN i know you can be.

stand by him, he will make his choice in his actions after that.

he will still have some hiccups but you will notice subtle changes.

[Mum3]

I am so happy I posted on here as all I have needed is some understanding.

And to also try and see where this is coming from, I can also see that people could think I’m weak for standing by him. But I know He wouldn’t cope with out me, the times where He has broken down into my arms just crying and him saying he doesn’t know what is wrong with himself, it’s so sad as he is a good person just makes silly mistakes but only ever under substance use.

I will try again and tell him to please speak to a professional for help as he never follows through when he asks me to help him get the help and only does the first part like seeing the GP but no follow ups!

Thank you for helping me through this! It truly means so much that you can take time out of your life to try and help someone else, Your Family are so lucky to have you 🙏🏻

[just-a-Dad]

blokes advice on face book is a good start