Why do I feel that my parents never loved me?

Alyka

How do I begin...

I'm an only child, so I don't have siblings to turn to, and from my observation, other people have very different family dynamics,even those deemed 'problematic' ones.

My parents, well, they are not all bad, or like those extremely abusive ones, and they did say that they want to make amends with me and all that.

The thing is, I do feel Very exhausted every single time after I interacted with them.

And I, after all their attempts of making amends and patch things up, I still don't feel that they love me, or even like me.

Of course they claim otherwise, and I somewhat believe that, in their head, they sincerely think they love me a lot.

Apparently I feel the opposite.

This is just one tiny example of wayyy to many to include:

Whenever interacting with them, they rarely care about what I want, they'll always just talk or drag me into whatever they want, and that's not the worst part. The worst part is, I can't have an different opinion. That means, if they deem a movie is terrible, I can't say I like it or they'll just berate me non-stop. The same goes for songs, clothes, food, etc.

I'd really really just want to be left alone in these cases, and they seem never really notice.

In their minds, they are taking me to all these different experiences, and having wonderful times together.

Which is, well partially true, I believe they enjoyed these, but do I enjoy them?

Absolutely noooo.

Do they care? also no.

I still dread, hence avoiding share any of my thoughts with them, even when they made an effort asking me what I want, I would automatically go defensive and say, whatever.

I know I can't show any 'weakness' to them because they'll turn it into a weapon.

So unlike a lot other people complaining about negligent parents, I thought those parents were god-sent.

The only happy times I had when I was young were those when they were too busy to mind me.

So, although I hate lying about things (It's draining), lying to them has sort of became my second nature, and I kinda hate myself for that.

Plus, it has made all attempts of patching things up, in vain.

I don't think I'll ever be able to share literally any aspect of my life, big or small, with them.

I knew this shouldn't be normal with parents and kids.

But was my feelings correct?

Did they ever loved me, are they lying when they say they love me?

would you call this love?

What is really going on with my parents and I?

What should I do from here? Simply break ties with them?

just-a-Dad

na, dont give up.

its up to you to make the effort (yes i know it shouldn't be the kids job).

tackle them 1 at a time.

you have to find something your mum likes, do some research on it and try to find a version of the particular topic that you can learn to like, Suprise her with a day out just for you both. but really make an effort.

Dads are easier, find out what makes him laugh and what food he likes.

ask him to help you fix something, dads love coming to the rescue, make him a sandwich and sit down swapping silly Dad jokes, then Suprise him with a small gift, silly socks are always good because you can catch him wearing them.

you might find you are more like them than you think, not everyone is good at bonding but its never to late.

Alyka

Hi，Just-A-Dad

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it a lot.

Although I fail to understand how your suggestions will make our relationships better.

I know plenty of what my parents' likes, hobbies, hell, I actually know which exact words to say to make them happy or angry. I have learned that from thousands of experiences I had during teenager years. I can easily arrange a day out with mum and making her very happy, but, doing that would be another episode of self-hypnosis, pretending we like the same stuff and say words I knew would make her happy, all of which, are not real and even more draining than I have to be.

In the case of my Dad, I'd probably have to say, he isn't the kind of Dad you were talking about. He knew even less life tricks than myself at this point. I can fix stuff or put together furnitures (Or something like that) by myself and he can't change his own light bulb. And it would be a death sentence for me if I joke about him, or even laugh too hard around them.

And, if I make food, they'd probably spit it out(They were never a fan of my cooking, though I think my cookings alright), and they'd think less of me if my gift is worth less than 10K, and I really isn't in that kind of mood to spend that much money for a gift to someone who wouldn't even bother to look at them twice.

quirkywords

Alyka

thanks for your honesty and sharing your experiences.

I found your post sad and I feel your frustration.

i have no answers but I wonder your parent agree on everything and always disagree with you, that is do they have a close relationship.

Earth Girl

Hi Alyka,

I feel I can relate a lot to this. I come from a family that seems "perfect" and everyone is always telling me how lucky I am, but my younger sister shuts me out a lot and doesn't even live in the same city to us anymore, I don't get along with my older sister or her husband, or at least not for very long periods of time, though I love my nephew. I don't have any friends and never really have in a way (I'm a very shy person) and my parents, well, they seem to be a lot like yours in some ways.

My Mum only wants to talk AT me about HER interests all day long or just say random things that pop up into her head as though I need to know every single thing that happens to her, it could even be about her thinking she left a drink on the table, but it was actually on the bench. My Dad on the other hand doesn't really want to talk to me at all. He just sees me as someone who he wants to keep me alive and so does my Mum, but my Mum at least sometimes tries to hear me out. My Dad rarely does.

Since I don't live with you, I'm not sure how much your parents love you, but it could be similar to what my parents do, they love me in a not wanting me to die or be homeless type of way. Maybe, you could even ask your parents what they love about you (I'm not sure if they will listen though). If they don't answer this question nicely, it might be time to start distancing yourself a bit and stop trying to repair a relationship that they don't take seriously despite being your parents.

If they respect you, they would answer this question with something like "I love how you *meaningful thing* and etc..."

I asked my parents if they could say something nice about me and they were like "Uh, well... hmmm. I don't know."

I could come up with really nice, genuine things I could tell them and I don't even like them so it hurts that they couldn't come up with anything despite knowing me for so long.

We shouldn't have to try to make our parents happy by listening to them talk about their interests and only do things that they want to do and basically ignore us.

Are there any people you might like to become friends with? It might be best to "make your own family" if possible. I know it's sad when parents don't take you seriously and don't seem to really care, but it's not fair on you if you're the only one trying to repair things. I am sure you are also tired of trying to explain to them what's wrong just to have them ignore it and act like everything is fine or get mad at you just for saying how you feel.

If it helps, parents who don't seem to care much about their children are probably more common than we think. I often feel like some other parents probably care a lot more about their children than mine do when it could actually be about the same just like how some people where I live keep telling me that I'm ungrateful despite having such nice parents, but they would never know that they actually use to bully and scapegoat me because they are so nice when in public or in the garden and even sometimes at home. They can be super mean behind closed doors though. Sometimes, the more perfect a family seems, the messier it can be behind closed doors. Some of the families I think seem great, probably aren't all that great either.

But yeah, I can completely see why you'd be upset with your parents. My parents also go crazy sometimes if I have a different opinion to them and sometimes try to tell me what to do with my hair, clothes, etc. You deserve to have parents that want to know you and your story.

Alyka

Hi, Quirkywords,

Thank you for the reply.

It was never the case that my parents agree on everything.

I rarely had any experiences with both of them, just one or the other, mostly my mother, because I only see my father probably twice a month.

They never got a divorce, but they do go their seperate ways for the majority of the time. They don't share house, or money.

So, to answer your question, no, they don't always agree with each other.

In a way, they actually are very similar people, sharing similar traits, but that didn't make things smoothier.

In fact fights between them were much worse (Before they seperated), as it sometimes involves violence and they clash over the tinest of things like whether to buy 4 or 5 apples.

I've learned to diminish my existence when they fight from a very young age.

The funny thing is, years and years later, when they were in their late 50s (Early 60s with my father's case), they finally got back together, long after I left them. Now they seem get along better, but it could be that I'm not with them all the time so I don't really know about their fighting.

Alyka

Hi, Earth girl.

I hear your pain, the 'looks good on the outside' families are the worst, period. They seemingly have high paying jobs and are polite and decent people that everyone admires. But, I guess, their pressure and frustration had to be let out somewhere. And that's where their kids come in, because they can't fight back?

And this is also me guessing, the reason behind them being 'looking perfect on the outside', is because they care too much about how other people think of them, and that's stressful and makes those venting out towards their kids worse. (Plus kids don't always share their traits.)

I'm pretty sure my parents are very controlling perfectionists, not entirely sure about yours.

But I think it very sweet of you to be able to talk really nice, geniune things about your parents even you don't like them. I can't say I can do the same, and I'm pretty sure my parents will act just like yours because they never said ANY good things about me, no matter what I have accomplished. I guess that's the sad part.

And for the record, they've already told me to my face, that they don't like me. Actually they said: Even if we don't like you, we still love you. So there really isn't much left to ask.

I guess they have a different interpretation to the word love.

I think what it comes down to, and what I was trying to convey, was that they both are egocentric people, and we both feel being 'pushed' into situation we don't like.

I'm sorry that you and your sisters don't get along, I can only wish I have siblings to share or to support each other through the younger years. But I guess what family you get is really pure luck.

I kinda hate that media always picture those parents being selfless and unconditional loving, maybe that's what give us the false hope in the first place.

Ever since I left home things have gone much better for me, it's just that gnawing feeling sometimes lingers there every time I heard people talk about their families.

therising

Hi Alyka

'Love' is definitely an interesting thing. Everyone's got a different interpretation or definition of it, therefor everyone feels it differently. Personally, I found that in better defining it for myself, I've come to make so much sense of why or how I didn't feel love from and toward a number of people throughout my life. I've also come to make so much sense of why I can feel it so incredibly strongly at times, sometimes to the point of tears.

For me, love is found in evolution (in more ways than one). I will constructively and actively love people through the challenges that lead them to evolve, including stressful and depressing one. There's no simple talk of love, it's about actively loving people. And I will feel intensely loved by the people in my life who do this for me. I will love certain people enough to be able to feel for them in regard to how they feel. I will love them in the way of opening my mind for them, especially when they need an open mind to help them get through their challenges. I love in many ways beyond these examples. I do not feel loved by those who simply talk of love or who refuse to feel for me or open their mind for me. For those who believe they love me, I accept they believe that they genuinely do love me, even though I can't feel their form of love. Remember, everyone's definition of love is different.

While your parents proclaim their love for you, chances are that how you feel love is different from them. For you, perhaps it goes far deeper in more soulful ways. A soulful sense of love is a truly beautiful thing, yet it can be painful at the same time (especially when we can feel it lacking in ways we best relate to) ❤️

Earth Girl

Yeah, I think that's probably why my parents act differently at home than they do when out in public, including the garden. It's confusing though because they can be really genuinely nice sometimes when they want to be. I think my Dad might also have a reasonably well paying job because we live in a nice area which I don't take for granted, but I just wish it was as nice or almost as nice as it seems.

I'm so sorry that your parents never say anything good about you. That would hurt a lot! My parents sometimes say nice things about me at least, but they are very "changeable in how they act" when at home so it depends I guess. It saddens me that someone would never say anything nice about their own daughter no matter what they accomplish how hard they try. I can't understand why your parents would act this way, but I don't think it's nice of them. It's also extremely rude of them to tell you that they don't like you. It may be normal for parents to have moments when they don't like their children, but still love them, but to just flat out dislike them and TELL them that? That's unbelievable. Your parents sound a lot meaner than mine.

That's true that even if you don't get along with your siblings, they do help you grow and enjoy life more during the younger years. We use to play a lot together when we were younger. I'm sorry that you just have your parents who don't even seem like very nice people. That sounds extremely lonely.

Yeah, media probably does give us false hope because I guess a lot of families aren't really like that and if you're lonely and don't know many people well, that also adds to making it feel like most families are probably like how they are portrayed in the media.

I'm glad you don't live with your parents anymore. I guess at this stage, it sounds like it may be best to distance yourself as much as you can from your parents even though it will be hard. It doesn't sound like they are going to try to get better.