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how to break away from toxicity
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has bf of 5 years, known each other for 8 years. in the last 5 years i moved overseas so we have been in long distance relationship. im 40, he is 57. he has always been workaholic. the only time we meet is when i visit him and even then, he is still busy at work. i can see it since i stay at his place when im there and his has his shop there. his ex still visits him. i should have set boundaries, but im not always there and feel he is in good terms with his ex and they are “good friends”. i went to visit last month and she was still visiting him. he got mad when i was about to go home early and that his ex is still there, like his ex does not know about me. am i the only blind person who does not see that they ate still together? is he lying about her being ex? why do i attract this kind of man? is it a curse? my ex before him was a gambler and it was very toxic as well. how can i let go? i had a month no contact with him at one point and it was very lonely. whenever i tell him things, he always have an answer but no action because he is “busy”. i guess i need someone to hit me in the head to wake me up from this dream. 💔😭
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Hi there op .
A little bit similar to our situation same country though just interstate. She'd wanted to move down to mine early on but l just couldn't make that sort of commitment at the time there were just uncertainties for me .
She's had a lot of problems as well as mh issues too and sadly tho 6yrs and we've broken up recently now.
Did you have any plans of returning or him moving to you , talk about it all before you left and since or ?l mean if nothing there alone then unfortunately there'd be no future right there.
For us it does take you both fully in if your LD, it can work that wasn't really our issues and one of us could've moved but well, as l was saying. For you to even go on you need something though, a plan, ideas on that alone for starters.
He sounds pretty lacking in that department unfortunately but then also there's the ex and whatever that is exactly. Even if all else was ok you need to know 100% there's nothing going on there and tbh, if he's into you guys as much as he should be then he really needs to back that thing with her off too imo , even if it is only friendship, and to have her around while you've come all that way, can't even comprehend that one. Wouldn't even be going myself like that but then let alone he didn't even make time for you either.
ldk what he tells you about he's feelings but they aren't adding up at all from what you say sorry and tbh, sorry again but l think your wasting your time on him. But if you wanna be sure then if he did love you he should visit you too and put in that same kind of effort to be with you and also be wanting to make plans for the future too , is there any of that ?
Rx.
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thank you randomxx for your reply. there was uncertainty at the start as well, but 5 years, he would have known already what he wants. sorry to hear about you and your gf.
there is no mention at all of him visiting here which i understand since i am the one who left. i am happy to go back if need be, but then we havnt had that conversation in depth. at one stage a told him how im not his priority and i understand the kind of person and life he has, but i also need reassurance and he also needs to show it not just say it and that I do want a future together and although i dont see him marrying me, im ok just to live or be together. he just then said we do not know what the future is for us which is very vague. i can feel he is just breadcrumbing.
also understand how his ex is in his life, but sometimes i cant help but think if its really just that. he is the type of person whom if he does not like someone he says it and its up to the person how youd want to fit in. not sure if it makes sense but i feel thats how me and his ex both ended up this way in this man’s life.
i have sensed he is someone with no emotional maturity and is really weak when it comes to emotions. he works more on logic even in relationship.
i suppose i do have the answers but its hard to let go. he has upcoming surgery as well, and christmas is coming. i didnt want to add more to his plate.
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Hi there op and thx for that but ahh, tbh she was just too mentally unstable anyway , would've made terrible w material in that way . Just glad really that l didn't dive in earlier bc l was always worried about that side of her and as things went along it just came out more and more soooo, didn't wanna be right but unfortunately l was.
But yeah , he's not sounding too in it sadly is he, def' not in it enough anyway. Ex's can be complicated situations l know , we even still talk a bit too and she calls and stuff , but it's weird. Not really an ex person myself and so l'm trying to move away from that of late now and move on properly, for me l think it's best.
l suppose that your os and so not around him much anyway then a bit more time and the right time after all this won't really be too hard , but l know the limbo is torture. On the other hand though it'll give you time yourself too to mentally prepare l guess too so it might even help you too.
l hate the thought of starting over now myself buttttt,l needed time too and l'm trying to accept that it as it tis what it tis and unfortunately for the best l think too, can't go on beating my head against the wall.
Anyway, will be around and if it helps others will probably be along too, don't worry my thread went on for 50pages or something.
All the best
rx
