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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Guest_16219302 Feeling defeated
  • replies: 2

Hi All I feel like this is a last resort for me as I don’t have anyone in this world to talk to in regards to how I am TRUELY feeling and that if I wasn't around my family would not care. I’m married 10years this Dec and have to amazing kids and I’ve... View more

Hi All I feel like this is a last resort for me as I don’t have anyone in this world to talk to in regards to how I am TRUELY feeling and that if I wasn't around my family would not care. I’m married 10years this Dec and have to amazing kids and I’ve always felt that my kids keep me alive but lately I can’t honestly say my kids wouldn’t even really notice if I was nit here ! My life in my eyes was perfect until a very close family member turned it all upside down and continues to bully now my kids in public situations like school grounds all because she just doesn’t want me to exist ! I don’t know what to do I have always done the right thing and shut my mouth for the sake of my family my parents but for 12 years now I’m defeated !! Help please

UpsAndDowns-2 Triggered. Should I get professional help?
  • replies: 2

I don't even know how to start. I'm very well aware of my triggers and it has happened quite often. Throughout the years I have tried getting more self help and be more mindful and things have improved, until I gave birth last year. Life was hectic o... View more

I don't even know how to start. I'm very well aware of my triggers and it has happened quite often. Throughout the years I have tried getting more self help and be more mindful and things have improved, until I gave birth last year. Life was hectic of course and there were more arguments between me and my spouse on many things. I thought I may have postnatal anxiety so I had call a few hotlines to get help, as well as get enrolled in some programs. Things seems have got back on track after a year or so. Last night my parent said something that has triggered me. I have shared with him before on the triggers but he's just not sensitive and mindful enough. I snapped. I didn't say a thing. I sat there to try calm down but I couldn't. After a few minutes I decided I'd go upstairs and leave the kids to him to finish the night time routine. This morning I was still mad at my partner and I felt very deflated. I went out to meet some friends with my kids, came back, saw my partner, then got mad again. I basically cannot function when I'm deflated and I feel that my cup is not just empty but it has a crack and I can't fill it up. I can't even function to look after my kids (I was OK when I was occupied with friends but not when I saw my partner again). What he said to me just keep repeating in my own head and keeps triggering me. I'm never officially diagnosed though after kids partner said I may have ADHD. I don't even know how to get further help but thinking back it wasn't really a big deal but I just felt so hurt and deflated and lose all my energy. I have been searching around to see if there is someone that I can talk to but I'm anxious to share. Then I found this forum I'm really not sure if this is a right place to post but I hope I can get some non judgmental advices here to get me back on track.

Princess_Africa Mother dearest
  • replies: 1

I am struggling with conflicting emotions about my mother, which I have done for most of my life. Growing up my mother was abusive - constantly telling my siblings and I that she should not have had children, physically abusive when she lost her temp... View more

I am struggling with conflicting emotions about my mother, which I have done for most of my life. Growing up my mother was abusive - constantly telling my siblings and I that she should not have had children, physically abusive when she lost her temper and very controlling and possessive.I understand where it came from as our father was not a very nice man - drunk, cheating and constantly jumping from job to job. It certainly wasn't an easy life for her. However, I do understand that her treatment of us was not right. I finally managed to break the pattern when I left home as a very young adult (on the back of a temper tantrum which resulted in plates being thrown at me), refusing to engage with her until she got some help, which - kudos to her, - she did, but it was more about being diagnosed with depression and landing on strong medication than anything other matter or behaviour. I took it as progress though and managed to repair the relationship to a civil state. Fast forward 20 years and she and my father split up and when I called him out for his poor behaviour, he cut us all off and started a new life. I acknowledge how traumatic this would be and stressful - in this instance she was truly heartbroken and I would have and still would give anything to be able to take that away. To help my mother transition to a different life than she planned, I agreed to live with her for a few years but the possessiveness started again. If I went anywhere without her she'd sarcasically say "thanks for the invitation" and if I had friends over she would just welcome herself and insert herself into the time. The household chores once again fell on me and she relied heavily on me to keep her company. Whenever I told her I was planning to move in with my partner at the end of the lease we were living under her immediate response was "What about me". My partner and I agreed to offer her to rent a house we had bought at DRASTICALLY reduced rent to help her transition to living alone and she loved it so much it evolved into full market rent for going on several years now. The possessiveness continues, she refuses to socialise with ANYONE else but my siblings or I and outside of her job, doesn't leave the house unless it's with one of us (outside of groceries). She won't ever reach out to us to "just ask" to meet for a coffee, instead the snide comments have evolved to be said to my partner and our son, behind my back around the fact that she never sees me. After years and years of counselling I am at the point of accepting that she will never change and I will never get any apology or closure on the years of abuse. I am beyond exhausted at trying to distance myself and manage to cut the apron strings and now see my only avenue to true healthy space is to move away in a few years when the time is right for my immediate family and children. I'm exhausted by the years of trying to keep her happy and go to effort just to have it thrown back in my face behind my back and the possessiveness. How do I start to love her again as a mother when the toxic behaviour is never-ending and evolving from one type to another?

Panda36 I feel lost, sad and exhausted!
  • replies: 2

Hi all, this is my first post but I’ll try and keep it short and to the point.I’ve been with my partner for about 4 years now, although we’ve known each other on/off for over 20. He and I were both married to other people and our respective spouses c... View more

Hi all, this is my first post but I’ll try and keep it short and to the point.I’ve been with my partner for about 4 years now, although we’ve known each other on/off for over 20. He and I were both married to other people and our respective spouses cheated. He has no kids and I have one daughter. I got over my situation pretty quickly but he hasn’t. Like at ALL! He has been a big drinker for many years and when we first got together I guess I didn’t notice it as much as we lived separately but for the last 3 years I have been witness to his drinking and behaviour. Some days he is great and doesn’t get too drunk and if he does he’s in a playful, happy mood but 90% of the time he is drunk by 8pm and he’s a d*ck. Sometimes I’m lucky and he’ll just go to bed but most of the time he wants to relive his past and he talks about his ex wife and all the people that hurt him or he makes numerous phone calls to his mates where it’s the same thing, he repeats his stories to them, he even calls clients and does it which is SO unprofessional. Then comes my daughter, again most of the time he’s great with her and she adores him but the drunker he gets, he plays too rough and she gets hurt or he picks on her. Then there’s me, he has never hit me but the emotional abuse is exhausting. I’ve had a pretty traumatic life and my dad was an alcoholic, all of this he knows and yet he STILL behaves like this. It’s like I’m on repeat, he fu*ks up, I tell him the next morning how hurt and angry we are, he says he’s sorry and will try better yet 3-4 days later it happens again. His argument to me is that he drinks and I smoke so I should just get over it BUT, yes while smoking is bad, it doesn’t change how I act and I would NEVER do or say the things he does, especially not to my child. It’s got to the point where we don’t go out after 5pm because my anxiety gets so bad with thinking that he’s too drunk and will embarrass us or complain about the food or see someone he knows and start with his whole “woe is me”. Most nights I sleep in my daughter’s room, she just thinks we’re having a sleepover but he knows he’s made a mistake the night before but just can’t remember. He picks fights with me over the smallest things or he gets that drunk and thinks I’m his ex wife and hurls abuse at me. I know that the logical thing to do would be to leave but I keep hanging on to the hope that if I remind him enough times of the damage he’s doing to not only us but himself as well that he will just cut down drinking and not get drunk every night. And also with the cost of living I couldn’t afford my own place as we both run a business together. I feel lost and overwhelmed but mostly exhausted. Any tips would be helpful. Thank you in advance

white knight Disowning relatives
  • replies: 39

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dread... View more

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dreaded narcissism. Having my own bipolar, anxiety and high functioning autism (recent revelation), I was not much different to my blood relatives except for the narcissism. Ok, that said I decided to give some relatives one last chance which fed my need to not hold any guilt in the future by rash decisions. There is the hard and the easy way to cope with rejecting relatives. With previous attempts when younger I'd crumble at the thought, then crumble again when I grieved for them, so I had become a boomerang family member. When I returned to my family the narcs were happy not to talk about what the issue was, to resolve so recurrence didnt happen, so again and again it repeated. But something changed at 58yo. I decided a few things- that blood relatives no longer automatically had my presence, that I had the right to reject them for a peaceful existence.that seeking stability I needed to ensure I didnt have unstable people in my life, that I was to create my own "more" stable worldthat my wife should no longer carry the burden of my family upsets when she had come from a stable upbringingthat 58 years was long enough and if I was lucky enough to last another 25 years that I could choose then to mould those years into happier timesThe above decision making says it all and I've gradually found peace from family problems. Yes, the occasional relative I still have in my life will call and ask if they can mediate and I politely decline. Those calls are examples of the triangulation from rejected family members. Do I miss them- oh, yes, but the cycle would return if I allowed them back in. My family ensured that guilt was a major weapon so I know my guilt especially that my 93yo mother is still alive, would eat at me. But alas, if I visited her after so many years I know the guilt would be her priority then she'd haunt me from her grave. Troubled people have to build a world around themselves and only issue passes to those that either understand or have a level of loyalty that you feel safe with. These are desperate situations, suicidal thoughts, attempts, suffering through rage and comments from despicable people. Being blood does not mean you are a punching bag. If thats you then untie the rope, let that bag drop... TonyWK

PsychedelicFur My Dad puts so much pressure onto me.
  • replies: 1

Hey there, I'm in my early twenties and my father puts so many responsibilities onto me. It feels like he is co dependent on me. Don't get me wrong, I DO love him. I just feel like I'm messed up from a lot of things that have happened to me in the pa... View more

Hey there, I'm in my early twenties and my father puts so many responsibilities onto me. It feels like he is co dependent on me. Don't get me wrong, I DO love him. I just feel like I'm messed up from a lot of things that have happened to me in the past from both of my parents. For instance, I have to pay half of the rent. I understand people my age, if they live with their parents have to pay board. And I am willing to do that but half of the rent just seems unreasonable. He would say to me "well, if I was by myself I would just live in a caravan park. You are the one who wants to live in a house." He would use me as a mini therapist when I was 4 or 5 years old, because my parents relationship was pretty rocky. When I even suggested about moving out with my past partner he would say "well, where would I go?" And then If I had a partner and would go out with them or stay a few days at their house he would make me feel guilty because he was home alone and he didn't have someone to spend time with. It's so hard.

randomxx Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.
  • replies: 600

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don'... View more

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that. As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together. Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff. Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.l knew it was a gamble though, damn it. rx

ifer partner goes to psych ward, breaks up with me and ghosts me
  • replies: 1

My partner of two years recently broke up with me, saying they still love me but that our relationship had become too codependent. Shortly before the breakup, they were involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, and it felt like they did a complete 180 ... View more

My partner of two years recently broke up with me, saying they still love me but that our relationship had become too codependent. Shortly before the breakup, they were involuntarily admitted to a psych ward, and it felt like they did a complete 180 afterward. We had plans for the day after the psych ward so I thought we were okay. Since then, they’ve completely ghosted me before I could even react, and I feel like I’ve lost everything. We had plans to move in together, get married, have kids. I see my faults in the relationship, but I never would have thought things were beyond mending. I’m struggling with the pain of the breakup, the silence, and the sense of abandonment, even though I understand the need for space. I want to focus on healing and becoming more independent, but I’m overwhelmed by loneliness and still hold hope for reconnecting in the future. How can I move forward while navigating these feelings?

Ann776 My 76 year old father tells me all time he wants to die
  • replies: 2

My dad has been a drinker (not alcho) his whole life. Has always had a short temper and never really was emotionally available as a kid to me and my sister. Never talks about his feelings or wants to genuinely connect with us. He cheated on my mum 20... View more

My dad has been a drinker (not alcho) his whole life. Has always had a short temper and never really was emotionally available as a kid to me and my sister. Never talks about his feelings or wants to genuinely connect with us. He cheated on my mum 20 years ago and stayed with that lady for 10 years till she died. Then he got more negative if thats possible. I have tried many things like trying to go to movies, walk, concert etc with him.. He doesnt want to even if its something he said he wanted to do. Im 48 gone through two hectic cancers in last 10 years. When he come to see me in hospital he got angry with me for crying and said im tougher then this and if i dont stop crying he wont visit me. Hes not a bad guy. he has bought me a car. but hes just emotionally not there EVER... my whole life. I dont care as i know who he is but it annoys me to no end that he trys to make out im a bad daughter if i dont chase him.. like he will call me and say ": why havent you called me"? i said well why havent u called me ph works both ways... then he gets shits and hangs up. Its always about him.. hes single and its my job to jump as a companion and call on him all the time to see " if hes still alive as he puts it"... ON our last phone call he said he didnt care if he got hit by a bus (he says this stuff alot even though i have asked him not too... then in next breathe he says do you want to catch up. I said how about we leave it till another time till u feel better as he is sooo depressing .. he got annoyed and hung up. then i texted him saying im happy to go to drs with him to look at antidepressants etc for him and i love him. He has continually said stuff like this to me after me telling him not too. Im already struggling mentally after cancer... he doesnt care. keeps doing it. My sister said he doesnt do it to her and that hes only doing it to me to try to manipulate a visit. IM annoyed with him as he was an unavailable father who never really had any interest when we were younger.. never heard from him when his girlfriend was alive and now all of a sudden he expects me to act eager and always wanting to contact him despite his negative and dreary atmosphere he carrys with him whereever he goes. He puts a downer on even my overseas trips i go on telling me bad stuff is going to happen. He never listens to anyone... meditation is that my only saviour ahaha. thanks for listening

Guest_10050 Finding out my brother died via email
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm new here. I lost my brother in December 10 years ago but didn't know until 5 weeks later in January 2015. Not only has he died, but they cremated him 5 days before I learnt via email. I still feels rather like 10 months ago, not 10 years. Kin... View more

Hi, I'm new here. I lost my brother in December 10 years ago but didn't know until 5 weeks later in January 2015. Not only has he died, but they cremated him 5 days before I learnt via email. I still feels rather like 10 months ago, not 10 years. Kind regards.