Husband is not getting the boy he wanted

Blue1999

My husband and I have a 20+ year old age gap. He’s in his 50’s and wants a son. Many of his friends have 2 or more sons and he envies that. We have a 10 year old daughter together. I have had difficulties conceiving after having my daughter and was diagnosed with low ovarian reserve in my early 30’s. My husband begged for a second child and wanted me to agree to the donor egg route, using his sperm. He said he wanted our daughter to have a sibling, and it didn’t matter whether we were having a boy or a girl (that was a lie). I ultimately agreed as I’m a single child so I felt the loneliness of growing up without a sibling. We went through ivf with donor eggs and the baby within me was the only embryo that survived out of a cohort of 10. Through NIPT test results last week, we learned that we are having our second girl. Since learning of this my husband has been really disappointed. His first reaction to the news was that he won’t be buying any more girl toys as our second daughter can use what her older sister has. He has also stopped asking about the baby or my pregnancy symptoms. I’ve been taking time off work since my embryo transfer and haven’t gone back as I’m feeling nauseous and weak all the time. It makes me sad that he’s feeling so disappointed. I feel excited about my baby regardless of the sex and can’t wait to meet her. The fact that I’m not genetically related to my baby doesn’t change that. I feel sad that he doesn’t see things this way (and this child is genetically related to him!). I wonder whether he will get over it and come to realise how special this baby is? Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Croix

Dear Blue1999~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum and congratulate you on having one daughter and anther on the way . IVF is a truly horrible procedure to go though, with hopes building up each time, appointments, drugs and intimately some bad news.

Franky I'm not sure how I'd feel being persuaded to have another person's egg, however you are a loving person and may be able to put that to one side - I do hpe so, you new baby is more you that just genetics.

I would like ot use strong words here, but will try to be moderate. Your husband probably feels at the end if the period he can father children and like a vast number of males before him places unreasonable faith in having a son. A sort of continuation of himself beyond death perhaps, a perceived family line.

He has pushed you to the limit to have a son and has chucked a tantrum when he learned it was a daughter. Equally importantly he has lost interested in the coming baby girl and in your condition.

I have no idea if he wil get over this, perhaps his past attitude ot your first daughter may be an indication.

All I can wish is the your health improves, your baby girl will be healthy and delightful and you look after yourself both physically and legally.

You know you are welcome here any time

Croix

therising

Hi Blue1999

Congratulations on the upcoming arrival of your 2nd beautiful daughter. Very exciting times, especially given how hard you were prepared to try for this child. Can't help but wonder whether your daughter's excited to be meeting her little sister.

I can remember, not too long ago, hitting on the revelation 'Disappointments relate to the appointments or appointed roles we give to people (our self included)'. I reached my conclusion while wondering why I'd faced so much disappointment in my marriage at times. While I've well and truly gotten beyond the depressing side of the disappointments, they've become more so just 'matter of fact'. Much easier to deal with the facts than the emotions that can come with them. I appointed my husband a lot of roles in life, only for him to dis-appoint himself from those roles time and time again over the years. I imagine your husband had appointed your next born a lot of roles in his mind, some of which may have included

the role of 'carrying on the family name'
if your husband's a drinker to some degree, the role of 'drinking buddy' later in life
the role of 'rugby player, Aussie rules footballer' or some other blokey sport😅
the role of 'the child who he can pass on all his male wisdom and experience to'
the role of 'best mate'
the role of 'he who balances out the household gender dynamic' (2 males and 2 females)

and the list goes on. A lot of roles to fill there, therefor a lot of dis-appointment of roles (in his mind) based on the revelation it's another girl. Not sure, maybe your next daughter will turn out to be a rugby playing drinker who swears like a trooper 🤣

Being a mum to a 19yo son and 22yo daughter, I've found both my kids have come to fill a lot of roles I never dreamed my children could fill when I gave birth to them. Despite what body they come in (male or female), they both fill the roles of 'legend, wise sage, comedian, caring and inspiring friend, sensitive (being able to sense quite easily at times, with good intuition), sassy, great teacher of life's lessons' and on it goes. They accept and appoint themselves the roles that really matter in life, the ones that tend to make such a huge difference to me, themselves and those around them.

While I'm one of those gals who hyphenates my sir name (because I love the sound of the name I was born into), I accept it ends with me. My brother will pass the sir name onto his son but that's his story. It's just a name that people refer to me as, that's all it really is. As I've said to my kids before, when they've discussed lightheartedly imagining changing their name in the past 'If you find a better label then relabel yourself, call yourself whatever you want, within reason'. With both my kids being comedians, they've come up with some hilarious names.

Btw, as you suffer through morning sickness (my heart goes out to you), appoint your husband the role of 'He who is attentive, considerate, thoughtful, sympathetic, unselfish and supportive'. He needs to take responsibility and fill that role. Given what you've been prepared to do, giving him the second child he's craved, it's the least he can do in return.❤️

Croix

Dear Blue1999~

The Rising has given you a very sensible message, and has set out a whole lot of ideas your husband may have had in relation to his role as a father. In fact it must be a strong urge in him to push you so hard to have a second child.

As I mentioed I"m worried he seemed to lose interest once he found it was a baby girl and I expect you feel very hurt he seems to be less attentive to you to. I'ts easy to think maybe you were a means to an end, not a person in your own right.

It does not mean all i lost, it may well be that each of those ideas the Rising listed can be turned around so your husband can take pride in other things.

Do you think couples counceling might help? I can recommend Relationships Australia (1300 364 277), who may have an office near you, or know of a suitable one that is.

Croix