Why does my twin sister hate me

[Loveanimals]

I am in my late forties.  I have a twin sister whom I have never got along with.  She has always been a  bully and a control freak.  We have an older brother. As kids they used to play together and leave me out. They used to enjoy making me cry.  I often was left alone.  Parents were not great (understatement).  Mother passed away five years ago.  Dad is in his eighties and is not very well.  Brother lives overseas and I have nothing to do with him.

She has taken it upon herself to take control of all of Dad's affairs.  Money being the main issue.  He is doing ok but she is hassling me to see him more and do more for him.  I try to organise things but he is busy doing is own thing!  She gets frustrated as she has created this co -dependant relationship with him....nothing anyone does or says is good enough for her. She is creating problems where there aren't any. I have learnt that Dad has paid for her new car.  Dad wanted to give me some money and she told him I didn't need it?!  I earn one third of what she does!  I actually think she is taking money from Dad and I would never know as she is in control of his bank accounts. 

I saw her this morning at Dad's and the aggression coming off her was so toxic. I have no idea why.  She scares me because she is such a horrible aggressive person.  I have had decades of her horrid behaviour and I am totally sick of it. I always come away feeling absolutely awful.  I have rung Lifeline many times due to her.  I know I have to totally avoid her.  That is obvious.   I suffer as I do not know why she does this.  She has attacked me verbally, physically..my whole life.  She shows no care towards me whatsoever.  

I guess I just spend my life hoping she will change.  Wondering what I have done wrong.  Then getting angry and upset.  I wish I could kick her out of my life but that won't be so easy.  I love Dad and want to see him.  He is being controlled by her I think.  I am so lost and sad.  Please help.  Thankyou. 

[Croix]

Dear Loveanimals~

Welcome here to the Support Forum. I guess if you were to look around you'd find others in this situation and could see how they coped.

Your sister sounds a most horrible person and has abused you and physically attacked you all your life. No wonder you think she is toxic and are afraid of her. Her taking care of your father's financial affairs is a pity.

Still there is one thing I rather liked, although your dad gave her money for a car he wanted to give you some too - shows he loves you and has a spirit of fairness. Do you  think you ought to ignore what you sister has told him and accept if he can afford it?

As for being hassled by her to see your dad more and do more for him, I guess if you do what you personally feel needs doing - irrespective of what she says, then that would at least satisfy you, and give you the opportunity to see what he might need.

Although he is over eighty and not well have you tried to talk to him about these problems? You never know you might be surprised how switched on he is.

With your mother passed away and your brother unsuitable is there anyone else in your family - or a friend - you can lean on and talk matters over - get some support?

Apart from keeping you distance as much as you can I'm not sure what you can do, after all you still want to see your dad. Did Lifeline have any good suggestions?

Another source might be 1800RESPECT who deal in all forms of abuse.

I hope you feel like coming back and talking more

Croix

[Loveanimals]

Thankyou Croix for your reply and your support/advice and suggestions.

I felt so bad even posting the above but I felt so lost and alone.  She seems to know when she has upset me then acts all nice and kind.  She does actually scare me.  I have seen her in action and in fact have been her punching bag a few times.  She is I believe a narcissist. 

I darent' discuss anything with my father as she has him under her spell.  Anything at all I discuss with him gets straight back to her.  The level of control she has over him is huge.  I don't want to ever ask him for money.  I just fear that she may have manipulated his finances to suit her.  Again...I would never know as there is no way I would ask him.  I also fear he may not be around for long as he is very frail.  I just want to see him when she is not there and let him know I love him.  She has made everything be about her.  To the point where I second guess everything I say to him.  Knowing she will pump him for information.  It is a very sad and disgusting state of affairs. 

Lifeline also advised me to take a few steps back and try to not get involved with her.  I don't actually think anyone realises the massive negative impact she has on me.  I feel scared of her and I don't trust  her.  But when she is nice to me I then fear I am being paranoid.  Perhaps this is her aim?  Perhaps she does not realise what she does?  ( I do believe that she knows full well.  I will never understand why she has hated me from day one and caused many issues for me).

I will see Dad when I know she won't be there.  As for what happens when he is gone...I doubt I will have anything to do with her.  I already suspect she has changed his Will in her favour.  I do believe in Karma.  Surely she can't feel good about herself inside.  I on the other hand can lie straight in bed at night and know that I am a really nice and caring person. 

Thanks again. 

[Croix]

Dear Loveanimals~

Posting was exactly the right thing to do, and I'm very glad you did. At least here your will receive honesty and care.

I think - quite apart from anything else -you are falling for a trick people who wish to dominate others and get their own way employ. It is to blow hot and cold. At one time to be truly horrible, even scary (and maybe blame you for it too) and at another time be sweet and nice as pie.

It is human nature to want the nice as pie person, and one goes out of one's way to try to get it, tying harder and harder as the person withholds affection. Sadly this trick works, particularly with loving empathetic people.

So there is no way you are being paranoid, just abused

As to if she feels good inside, maybe on the surface but you have to ask why she is so insecure she has to try to monopolize your father and dominate others.

Under the circumstances I think the idea of avoiding her is probably for the best, and just seeing your father when the opportunity arises. Even that can be difficult if you think your sister will talk later with your father and twist your words. All you can really do is be genuine and be loving. Then trust your father has enough sense to get the idea you do love him.

You are quite right you know, you can lie straight in bed and be content with the person you are.

Croix

[Loveanimals]

Wow you must know her!  🙂  She blows hot and cold....all is good then she sends odd texts or acts oddly....making me of course feel I am the reason.  I am seeing my father on the days I KNOW she won't be there.  So long as I can be there with him; be affectionate and kind...let him know I love him...that is all that matters. 

I do think once the dear man passes I will have nothing to do with her.  I don't care about the Will but I am already sure that there will be nothing coming to me.  I do not care honestly.  I am a great person.  She is not.  She has to live with herself....I do not have to have any contact with her. 

Thanks again. 

[Croix]

Dear Lovanimals~

It's a great pity there does not seem to be a better solution. Even so I think I'd react the  same way. If I was treated like that I'd keep my distance.

And as for the will, my own experience has been it just causes more grief if things are contested.

I hope you have lots of good times wiht your dad, I'm sure he knows you love him

Croix

[Loveanimals]

Thankyou.  I wouldn't even bother contesting the Will if it came to that. 

I will do my best for my father but I fear she has warped his mind.  Oh well.  I will see him in another life maybe. 

It breaks my heart but that is how it is.  I don't know how you feel about past lives and so on but I feel there is some bad energy between my sister and I and it has carried into this life.  It is very strange.  I will just focus on being my best self and doing all I can for my father.  I will not get dragged into any toxicity anymore. 

[Croix]

Dear Loveanimals~

you said:

I will just focus on being my best self and doing all I can for my father. I will not get dragged into any toxicity anymore.

This is the most sensible thing, why associate with those that don't care about you, just stick to the ones that do.

Are you facing all this by yourself or do you have anyone in your life to give you some support?

Croix

[randomxx]

Hi there op and l'm very sorry about your situation. l come from a huge family but we have one sister who always a step ahead of anyone with dad and did her best for yrs and yrs to keep it that way. Although l was never really sure what dad thought of it or if he even realized. Main thing was he was still always just as open and interested in any of us others too, so l think most of us just left her to her fun and games and had our own thing with dad.

Just wondering if that'd work for you , like don't worry about her just go see him alone , when it can be just the two of you and have your own relationship with your dad. He would poss even prefer it, he might even see it and be sick of her ways deep down and appreciate whom you are .

l always wonder about how things are with twins or if there's any pattern. My daughter's best friend was a twin back in early teens but got only along with one really well. Well that one hated her sister involved with her friends or life in anyway , even at 11 or 12 and eventually the other one faded of into her friends. later on 20s now, they live in different states, don't think they even talk.

But of cause yeah your sis would be well aware of things she says with you and does. Even as non twins in my family, one or two of them with those sorta tendencies were always at it. l use to think don't you realize l see straight through your bs. That one with dad is in her 50s now and l still think that when l have talked to her, haven't bothered with her 3 or 4 yrs now, l give up.

rx

[Loveanimals]

I am on my own with this.  It is such a complicated state of affairs.  I am ok.  I am the stronger person for tolerating her BS my entire life.  I thankyou for your support.  It really does make a positive difference.  I hope all is well with you and yours. xx