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need a little help [TRIGGER WARNING: domestic violence]

Bundymike
Community Member

Hi, my wife and i separated because i was having an emotional affair with another woman,texting etc. this other lady is in a relationship with a narcissist who is treating her very badly, i developed feelings for her and it got a little physical , but now since my wife has left me , i have been pushed away except when he treats her badly, she will text me daily but it is usually for me to make her laugh and take her away from her own troubles(she says she is fine and other people have it worse), i have difficulty because in some messages she makes out like we are in a relationship (Carry me to bed? texts) and in other she makes it clear she just wants to be friends.

I know she is using me to get through her daily life, but do i just cut her out of my life and try and focus on me or continue to try and help her get out of the situation she is in, i have to admit i want a relationship with her and try to be impartial. she keeps telling me how violent her partner can be if he finds out about our texts then he will kill her.(her words not mine), She continues to message me daily , so i dont understand why she thinks its not a problem for her to text with that sort of repercussion.

It seems a cry for help, but am i just being used...I think so..8(

My wife wants to get back together, it seems and i do love her but she has a lot of issues that caused me to look for happiness elsewhere in the first place, i dont want to resume our marriage and then be back where i am now in 2 years time.

i dont know how to tell this person to leave me alone when she has no one else to turn to and i love being there for her, it makes me feel valued as a human being, and it makes me feel that if we are still talking there is hope for us.

i know i am a fool.

7 Replies 7

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi BM, welcome

It's a bit subjective your post because it is dependent on values and we all have various values.

I read your post and in comparison to my old fashioned values (I'm 62) I see clearly where you lost your married world and now you feel like you can save someone elses. If it all works out rosy I'd be surprised.

When you had marital issues, like lack of emotional connection, the point of call is counseling not pursuing other people. Then there is your other lady that has her own responsibilities. If she is really unhappy regardless of the reason, she can leave. Only then can you pursue a relationship but I also suggest that a texting relationship is far different than a real one.

Your real problem IMO is what defines "love" in your mind as you say you love your wife but you are willing to chance her finding out about your other lady. And you are limited in commitment. To be fair to you the writing is on the wall, that you should see a counsellor to discuss that issue with or without your wife.

The actions from here on is up to you. You can change phone numbers, disconnect easily from that lady, be totally honest with your wife etc. But a challenge for you is to learn what its like to "walk a mile in another persons shoes". Once learnt, you'll realise the hurt your wife is going through and the hurt the other lady's husband will go through. These are people's feelings. You might also realise that being told things could be fact or a bunch of tales of a one sided account of a relationship.

Repost anytime. We are here to help.

Tony WK

Livinia09
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Bundymike,

I think it was brave of you to admit that you have had an affair and lost your marriage as a result. It's not an easy thing to accept, much less admit I imagine.

In regards to your lover, whatever is going on with her really, one thing was quite clear to me in your post and that is: she doesn't know what she wants. That's not a decision you can make for her. If you're always there for her when she needs you, on her terms, then there is no need for her to change her circumstances as she's getting the best of both worlds.

It all comes down to her reason for her affair with you, I suppose. In you changing your circumstances (with your former wife) you changed the dynamics of your arrangement with your lover. You both now no longer have equal things to lose. So, I don't know if it's particularly 'fair' to expect her to leave her husband now that you're separated. The risk with these arrangements.

I personally am not an advocate for getting back together with an ex. It's like reading a book for the second time and expecting a different ending. I say this with conviction, because I had gone back to my now ex-husband around 4 times over the course of 17 years. All I learned from it was to be frustrated with myself for not learning from my initial mistakes and consequently wasting precious time. Having said that, if you feel it's worth saving - then absolutely try. Only you really know what is right for you in that regard.

It sounds like you know what you want from a relationship, i.e. to feel valued - something we all have a right to :-). If what you want from a relationship is not something this other woman can provide, then you will only end up hurt and frustrated when you don't get it. Perhaps talk to her about your newfound circumstances, and what it is that you now want from your relationship with her. If she can't give it to you, then don't compromise - move on.

One of my all-time favourite quotes sums up relationships so well, I think: "the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place".

I hope this has been of some help.

Liv x

she was never my lover, i was just someone to fill the void in her life.

Livinia09
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

By the sound of your verb tense it hasn't gone very well since your initial post.

Whatever happened/happens, I hope you found some answers.

Liv x

Hi Bundymike, I've read Tony and Liv's reply, both very good, and from what I can see here you are stuck in the middle, your lover wants you for emotional support, but will she leave her narcissist partner to be with you, probably too scared to, say no, and texting is not much different than being on facebook, so not at the moment, and will you return to your wife, not unless she begins to get the help she needs.

That's why I think you are in the middle and could lose both your wife, especially if she won't get therapy and secondly your lover, because if her partner finds out, then he will control her phones and check on phone numbers or texts that have been sent.

You will have to make a decision yourself. Geoff.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi BundyMike,

I feel for you and the predicament you are in, tangled up with this new woman who makes you feel needed and validated (which may have been lacking in your marriage), but contrasted against the realization that you can’t really count on her and your wife is the safer bet in that regard. From what I hear, you aren’t nearly as confused as you think you are, you seem to know the score deep down, that neither of these women are likely fulfilling your needs, but the combination is. However, this is not a solution that can work long-time. From where I stand, you can either turn in towards your wife, and try and work things out. Although that holds the risk of your needs not being met and running back the your emotional affair, which is a hard thing to break. Or you can make a clean break and be on your own until you do find that person who meets your needs. Unfortunately I don’t think this new person will bring you anything but heartache.

I think you are on the money..

Since this last post , i was supposed to catch up and i was going to end our mutual need for this constant messaging, it was really doing my head in , as it often does my thoughts run away with themselves and i messaged her with anger in my heart, (This was a mistake and i regret it ), We had a discussion and she put things in perspective from her point of view, which all made sense until you take the context of the messages over the last 3 months into account, it was as if she was saying out load we are nothing but friends but the context of the messages was more leading in many ways, i think it was as stated above just good fun for her until it became serious with repercussions.

I often felt i was only there to brighten her day and to be fair it made me happy as well, she would say it put her at great risk to message me and i would feel bad for that, i could and still cant see why she would do that if the risk was so high. this made me feel there was much more to her feelings than she was admitting which fueled my need to make her happier.

Since our last discussion in which she took the message i had written (which was not nice in its tone or wording quite personally as would i had someone written such an email ) , within a space of 15 minutes once again she had convinced me that i was wrong in my assumption she was using me for happiness and in fact she was doing me a favour

You can tell by the wording of my post i am not a stupid man but i have to admit i cant figure out what is going on for love nor money...

Since that day i havnt received one message as if to say ..I dont need you, when just the day before it was Good morning and Good night everyday prior...

It could be said i have brought all this upon myself and you would probably be right for saying it...

It could just be an expensive error of judgement but i would like to think that at least a little good somehow come out of it

we definitely made each other happier there for a while

As to my wife i am trying to figure out wher to go , i dont want to go to her because she is a "safe bet", i just want to be needed and appreciated and loved for who i am not what i provide

Thanks for your comment it has bought some clarity even if it doesnt seem like it from this reply

I believe in my heart she is a good person and i will miss her brightening my life daily more than i am willing to admit.