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I have had a very strained relationship with my "mother" for 11 years or more. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 13 years ago. My parents separated when I was 15 and my "mother" left the family home as she was having an affair with another man. This of course devastated me and I chose to stay with my father and my younger sister stayed too as she didn't want to leave me behind. My younger sister ran away from home aged 15 and turned up on her mothers doorstep few years later with a baby and toddler and quickly disappeared.. My mother became their guardian and bought them up with her 2nd husband. My older sister ran away from home at age 14 and became a heroin addict. I remember my parents going thru hell as my sister battled her addiction and attempted suicide several times.. My older sister is "clean" now and living a normal life. My younger sister remarried many years ago and now has 4 children but she still does not consider her 2 first born children as hers. In her mind - she only has 4 children.
I left home at age 17 as my father had remarried and she had 2 small children. I didn't get on with my stepmother at all so left home and went into nursing mentally challenged children which I loved. I was still always very close with my dad and would always stick up for him when my mother and her daughters would bitch about him and say horrible things. My mother ended her 2nd marriage and years later became close with an elderly gentleman with whom she moved in with. He died about 12 years ago and left her with nearly a million dollars in cash, property and shares. She purchased a home for my younger sister and offered to pay the balance on my mortgage which was around $27,000 - I had been married for about 15 years. But after buying the house for my sister she told me could not afford to pay my mortgage.
My ongoing relationship with my mother was still very strained.. She can be very mean, vindictive and nasty and in emails tell me she will never forgive me for staying with my father when she left him. She emails me or says something upsetting and then months later I forgive her - we make up and then she again upsets me so I stop contact with her again. Last December I went down to visit my family as my dad is losing his battle with bone cancer and I firstly visited my mother. After just 6 hours she told me I was fat, (yes I need to lose about 6 kilos but I am not fat), ugly and should cover up from head to toe due to all the tumours I have and that she would be too ashamed to go out in public with me because of my self harm scars. Asking me "aren't you ashamed or embarrassed ?". I asked her if she wanted to understand why I self harm and she told me she didn't care. "It is a disgusting thing to do" and she certainly didn't want to read about why those with a mental illness - self harm to cope. Then she told me with great delight that she had purchased a house for my older sister 8 months ago after telling me all those years ago that she couldn't afford to pay my mortgage. I was so upset as you can imagine and she told me she didn't pay my mortgage because she has never forgiven me for staying with my father when she left him. She claims that loving my dad (in her words) is far worse than abandoning 2 toddlers leaving her to bring them up and worse than putting her through hell when my other sister was a heroin addict. I could not believe it and was so distraught. I waited until she had gone to bed and then packed my car up along with my little dog who I had taken with me and I left her house at 1am driving 8 hours straight to get home. Actually hoping that me and my little dog would be in an accident.
I have not had any contact since then with my mother - who I now call ex mother - at all and don't intend to. I am on the disability pension and struggling to survive as I pay private rental. Even tho she owns 2 houses - she told me she has not left me any provision in her will to ensure I do not have to be concerned about my future. I no longer have any contact with her or her eldest daughter. I stopped contact with my younger sister about 8 years ago.
I am now a divorcee without family and friends. Nobody to talk to at all. I only have my two little dogs now but am struggling everyday to live. I have already commenced donating goods to charity's and sorting out all of my belongings so that the executer of my will doesn't have so much to do. I am always crying and have started self harm again to ease the emotional pain inside. I know my ex mother and her daughters won't care when I die which is sad. How can a mother really hate her own daughter so much ?? Am I really that horrible ?? It must be true I guess if my own mother says so. Why is it so easy to not want to live yet so hard to do something about it.
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I’m very close to being lost for words – and for those who know me on this site, they’ll know that this is a huge thing.
Your story is just something that is just unbelievable – I agree with you 100% - how can a mother hate her daughter so much. When after all, all you were doing was visiting and wishing to be with your dad for a while – he is still YOUR dad and you have/had every right to be with him. You know what, for what it’s worth, I’m very proud that you made that decision – because it seems obvious that your other sisters were brain-washed by your mother and they stayed away from him.
But Miia, I’m having a tough time understanding – so just wish to clarify. It was your “mother” who originally left the family home as she was having an affair. She then remarried and then that ended and then she ended up with an elderly gentleman, which then turned out that she inherited quite a substantial amount of money.
Yet, this is the “mother” who apparently dislikes you so much and has no qualms in telling you so – because of a completely different reason – because you went to visit and stay with your father? But um, hello – she was the one who up and left the family home due to her having an affair.
May I ask whether you have children? I couldn’t see where you mentioned them – so does this just leave you now by yourself with your two little dogs?
I don’t know much about the contesting of wills, but if this was to eventuate at some stage in the future, I’m hoping that one of the other community members here might have some ‘insight’ into this for you.
So being on a disability pension, I’m guessing that this isn’t the source of a great income each week/fortnight.
I feel so bad for you Miia and I wish there was something that I could say that would help you – I do hope you can stay here with us and post again.
ps: I've told you before on another thread, that your dog is sooo cute. 🙂
Dear Miia, how brave you are to write on this forum and express all. I'm touched by your story. What I've picked up on is the attitude of your mother. Seems she has left a "wave" behind her wherever she goes and whatever she says and does. And uses all weapons in her arsenal. I'm actually wondering if there is some condition she has but I'm no doctor.
What I am though is a man and along with my sister, we have taken our mother out of our life due to the destructiveness she has brought us our entire lives. In our case we believe its BPD but left undiagnosed we will never know. Our instincts tell us a lot. Try reading http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-world-the-borderline-mother-and-her-children It just might make some sense that you could be a victim of someone elses controlling behaviour.
In the meantime hang in there. Be proud you are surviving without your mothers wealth of which she didnt really earn. I have a mini fox terrier that adores me. I couldnt allow her to be without me. Stay here on this forum, seek as much help as you need. I'm a newbie here but many are regulars that help out all the time like Neil1. Thank heavens for them.
Finally, My eldest daughter up and left her mother at 12yo to live with me. Her mother never forgave her and doesnt speak to her to this day 13 years later. It's not unusual for this to happen when a parent stakes a claim on their child, a child that is looked upon as an asset. Where one parent beleives they desrve the children more than the other. A child has a right to choose the parent they wish to live with. If a mother thinks it is wrong then she is placing her own desires above those of the child....and that Miia is why she wants you to suffer. Dont suffer Miia, its not your fault.
Miia, your story has hit a nerve with me. I am starting to think myself that I lot of hate for myself might be from the distant, judging cold mother I grew up who clearly favoured my 2 other siblings and still to this day does. She knows I have stuff going on but does not bother to call or text but visits my brother and sister who live an hour away all the time.
I was diagnosed with a rejection and abondonment schema some years ago that was bought back to the way my mother treated and still treats me and that might be why you hurt yourself as well maybe??
It's really hard but I'm starting to try and train my brain that she is not worth the pain she gives me each and every time I contact her as it ends in rejection so I totally understand why you don't contact her and I wonder if she did give you money if she would make you feel like you owe her bigtime and always make you feel like you owe her something hence why it's probably best she never gave it to you.
I wonder if that is what she does to your sisters?
My kittycat is my savior sometimes so keep those gorgeous doggies close by and remember that you are their whole world and if you don't hang in there you will be abandoning them and your their mummy.
You say you have no friends ( I deliberately push anyone and everyone away) but I would be more than happy to be your cyber buddy and an ear to listen to anytime.
Thank you for sharing your story online. Like Fuschia and the others, I am always happy to chat online.
My mum's side of our family was very dysfunctional in the way you describe and it was all at the instigation of my late grand mother, who took some delight in pitting her children against each other.
Funnily enough, she never tried this with he grand children although she did openly say that I was her favourite. As a child I reveled in this but as I grew older felt guilty that that I had teased my sister about it. My sister and I are very close now, even though she lives out of Sydney, but I still wish I hadn't been the "favourite".
Miia, I am sorry I have no answers for you. I always tell myself that if I don't expect anything off anyone, I won't be disappointed. It is a philosophy that works for me. When someone does come through for me, it is a bonus rather than an expectation and it has made me fiercely independent.
I know a little of wills and if your mother makes no provision for you, particularly in light of her very generous gifts to other siblings, I think you should get some legal advice when the time comes. There is a twelve month limit, generally, on challenging a will. Still, it sounds like you are better off without her attacks on you.
P.S. You have friends on here.
Hello VERYDOWN, and welcome to the BB Forums.
I see that this is your first post. Unfortunately you have posted to an old thread, and to my knowledge Miia has not been a member for quite some time. Its therefore unlikely you will get a response from her.
You dont say anything about yourself in your post above. Would you be able to start a new thread in the Welcome and Orientation section and tell us a little bit about yourself? Most new members start there and just introduce themselves briefly. That can include what it is you are suffering from, what treatment you may already be receiving and whether its working for you, and also what it is you are looking for by joining a peer support mental health forum.
For example, I joined to find out more about why I was feeling as I did at the time and why I was experiencing all the crazy symptoms I was back then. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD. So I was able to find some wonderful empathetic people here who knew what I was going through and were there to support and advise me when I needed it.
I will look out for a new thread from you, and I hope to see you around. You are of course very welcome to join in on any existing thread as well. I'd recommend some of the BB Social Zone threads if you'd like to connect with other members, its all a bit of fun and games on those threads. Otherwise I suggest you browse some of the threads that are relevant to yourself. Try to stick to some of the current ones, where you are more likely to get responses.
See you around.
Just read your post and I think you've been incredibly strong to put up with the horrendous attitude from your mother.
I had an extremely difficult relationship with my mother who was bitter, petty, vindictive, hysterical and emotionally and psychologically abusive toward me. Her relationship with my elder sister was the complete opposite: my sister could do no wrong. I have two female friends who also suffered psychologically due to their relationships with toxic mothers.
My mother passed 20 years ago, but the scars still remain. It was only when I was some time into therapy that I realized, with the help of my therapist, that her behaviour indicated a number of personality disorders that were never acknowledged or professionally addressed.
The idea that all mothers are maternal and loving is a fallacy - they're people before they become mothers. Like CrashCoyote, I don't expect anything from anyone and am always surprised when people show genuine kindness.
Believe me, you are not the one with the issues here and don't continue to get sucked into your mother's twisted world. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you've had to deal with this unpleasant/sick woman for so long. Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life for your own sanity. I regret I didn't do this - I would be a healthier person had I done so.
My suggestion is to cut the cord and start reassembling your life with some professional help. Work on creating a better life for you, which is definitely achievable - it will be your gift to yourself.
I read your post to Miia and also responded without realizing her post was 3 years ago. Thank you for drawing attention to the date, Taurus - I'm not a morning person and it takes me a while to get it together.
Yes, VD67 - a big welcome to the forums. I agree with Taurus that starting a new thread in the Welcome and Orientation section is a good way to ease into this community. As Taurus mentioned, just a brief introduction helps you to connect with others.
I joined the community as I wanted to connect with others who understood what it was like to live and deal with mental health issues. I also wanted to use my own experiences to assist others.
Briefly - I have major depressive and anxiety disorders going back to childhood, along with Borderline Personality Disorder and ADD.
This is a very caring and supportive community. There is no judgment and no negative responses to other people's experiences.
Like Taurus, I look forward to perhaps catching up with you on the forums sometime.