Okay, this will be long.
So I've been suffering from severe depression and anxiety for about 7-8 years now, and never thought I would be happy in life. But I ended up (finally) meeting someone 4 months ago now and I was over the moon. My depression faded, but I noticed my anxiety skyrocket.
My boyfriend was fully supportive of me with my mental health, but after about the month and a half point my boyfriend started to become easily agitated and would lash out at me when I was anxious. This, in turn, led to my depression slithering back into my life. He would yell at me in public, yell at me at home, yell at me in the car, whenever he thought I was being anxious or sad. I admit I hate conflict, so I usually end up getting emotional and then bottling up how I feel. Whenever I try to talk to him rationally whilst he's angry he shoots me down. I'm seeing a therapist and doing CBT and I'm trying very hard to get better but it's been months and months without any real progress. It feels like I'm going in circles.
My boyfriend liked drugs and going out and excessively drinking before I met him, but he promised me no more drugs and less going out and getting smashed (of course I didn't mind every now and then). This lasted maybe a few weeks? He's done drugs since he promised to stop and ever since then I've felt differently about our relationship. We are also both in uni and value our education, but he goes out drinking in town on uni nights and doesn't get home until early morning just hours before he has to get up with no communication to me at all. This exact situation is occurring right now, he has been drinking since 8pm and it is currently 5:40am, he told me 4 hours ago he promised he was leaving town. His phone went flat about an hour ago and I have no idea if he's home or still out. I also have obsessive thoughts of him cheating on me, which makes my anxiety 150x worse and we've had fights about this numerously and I really hate myself for it. I've never really been into partying/going out drinking and I am very anti-drugs. But every time he slips up he promises not to do it again and he's sorry, but it just keeps happening. And lately I've been finding myself so unhappy it physically hurts, and I've told him this but it gets nowhere, and I love him too much to leave. He is a good guy but he's a bit full on.
He says he loves me and never wants to lose me and I really love him a lot too but I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lost and alone.
